Wednesday, October 25, 2017


I finally had something happen that got under my skin enough for me to write about. It all started over the weekend when I decided to play pool with my husband to give my brain a rest from studying for Biology. (Why I'm required to take a second Biology class as a Communication major is a post for another day.) We went to a local pool hall and as we walked in, there was a group of older black men playing at the first set of tables. A few younger guys were playing at another table, and then there was my husband and myself.

The older men's conversation was the first thing we heard as we walked in, as they made no attempts to keep their talk amongst themselves. They were making a lot of references to events that happened "back in the day," and the conversation quickly shifted to relationships between black men and women. One of them started talking about how he never bothered dealing with women on welfare, and that he needed someone who was established with a secure job. Another chimed in: "So basically, you're saying stay away from black women altogether?" *Cue simultaneous roars of laughter from the whole group*

I immediately felt the blood rushing to my face as feelings of discomfort and embarrassment worked their way up. I've never been on welfare, but the fact that they were openly taking shots at black women around a black woman, the only black woman in the room, quickly took my focus off of the pool game between my husband and myself. My husband asked what I thought about what they were saying, and I foolishly told him I didn't think anything, because I didn't want to appear to be making a big deal about what was going on.

Moments later, an employee at the pool hall, an older white man, walked up to our table and asked if the conversation was offensive to me, and if so, he would ask the men to change the conversation. I told him I would appreciate if he did, and when he asked them to be mindful of their comments, they immediately became defensive and insisted they weren't saying anything wrong. Once he walked away, they started grumbling about the pool hall employee being a Trump supporter. A few minutes later, one of them turned to me and my husband and asked if they had said anything to bother us, and added that they were "regulars" at the pool hall (as if that meant it was ok to say what they pleased). My husband responded, "I was just playing pool."

By now, I had lost the desire to play pool anymore and I was just ready to go. I kept my distance from my husband the rest of the day as I tried to understand why that situation had bothered me so much. I think it was a combination of things. One, I have become a lot more sensitive to the disregard that men of different races have towards black women. I've been doing work study at school working with veterans, and I've lost count of the comments made around me that consist of stereotypical and/or sexual references about women. Every time a comment is made, I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach while I debate with myself about whether I should say something or let it go. If I say something, I worry that I'll be stuck with the label of the woman that's too sensitive, and if I don't say anything, I feel like I'm silently condoning whatever was said. Two, I was disappointed that my husband played the "I didn't hear what was going on" card to opt out of dealing with what was said. Did I want him to start a fight with a bunch of old guys to defend my honor? No, but at least saying, "Yeah man, that was a bit much" would have been better than nothing.

We ended up talking (well, arguing) about it later on. He made several excuses for why he didn't say anything, including the fact that those men are a different generation than we are, that it was a pool hall and those are the conversations men have in that kind of environment, and he doesn't involve himself with other people's discussions when he goes out. Basically, he felt I made a bigger issue out of a small one and if I thought the conversation was inappropriate, I could have just said something so we could leave.

What say you, blogger world? Was I overreacting? Should my husband have spoken up? How do you handle yourself when uncomfortable or inappropriate conversations come up in outside environments?

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

My New Venture.

I know that I rarely post anything on this blog anymore, and that's mainly because I feel like I have nothing of interest to write about in terms of my personal life. Now that I'm married, my days consist of going to class, work study, and watching movies on the Firestick with my hubby. Not blog-worthy, to say the least. However, I still have love for blogging and I've been slaving for the past couple months to get a new kind of blog off the ground. One thing that was pretty consistent throughout the years of this blog is that I was always either broke, slightly above being broke, or some other variation of brokeness. During my last year of being in the military, it finally dawned on me that those checks on the 1st and the 15th would soon be coming to an end and I really needed to get my shit together. I had paid off my credit card debt over the past few years, but I was still making payments on my no-longer-new car. I decided that the car note life wasn't for me, and I began pouring all of my extra money into paying off my car loan ASAP. This past March, just a little over a year after separating from active duty, I made the final lump sum payment on my car and am now officially car note free. The relief of having one less debt feels amazing, and I have become obsessed with the thought of being 100% financially independent. Because of my obsession, I also feel the need to share everything that I've learned (and that I'm still learning) with others. This is where my idea to create a personal finance blog came about. I know there are thousands of finance blogs out there, but I don't see a ton targeted towards women of color, or women of color that are veterans. I know what it's like to scramble for resources because no one offers assistance, and I'd love to make the path to financial success a little bit easier for those that are just starting out. I said all that to say I've officially launched my new blog here and if anyone still takes a peek at my "Random Thoughts" blog from time to time, I would love for you to check out the new page and pass it on to others if you think it's helpful. Oh, and I will also TRY to spice up my personal life so that I have something to write about on this blog too!

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Life On the Outside.

Well here it is first blog post since being out of the military! Yes that's right, your girl is a civilian again. It's been a little over four months now, and it hasn't been a cake walk, but I can say that I feel free. I've taken full advantage of sleeping in, dying my hair different colors, and wearing crazy designs on my nails.

A lot has gone on since I separated, but I'll try to condense it as much as possible. For starters, I moved out of Virginia, which was bound to happen because I couldn't wait to get the hell up out of there. My original plan was to move to Dallas and go to school there. I knew over a year before I got out that I had no intentions of staying in Virginia but I also had no intentions of moving back to my hometown either. I no longer had a desire to live in Atlanta, so I started researching different cities to relocate to, and Dallas seemed to be a good choice. The cost of living was something that I was comfortable with, there was apparently a wealth of job opportunities opening up, and it was a big enough city where I could stay entertained, but not too big to the point of being overwhelming. I started putting in applications to a couple universities in Dallas once I separated, and (im)patiently waited for the lease to be up at my apartment so I could leave Virginia behind and start my new life as a civilian again.

However, as with many plans in my life, things didn't go the route that I had mapped out. Prior to me going on deployment, I had gotten back in contact with my old flame Taz and we were taking steps towards being in a relationship again. He was doing better since we had been apart; he had gotten a job with one of the school districts in St. Louis and had been working there for a couple years, so having the funds to keep his cell phone on and staying in contact was no longer an issue. While I was on deployment, we emailed or messaged each other on Facebook daily, and whenever my ship pulled into a port we would Skype as long as we could, even though we were working with a 12 hour time difference. Upon my return to the states, Taz flew to Virginia to visit me for about a week, then we drove back to St. Louis so I could visit my family for a bit, then we took a trip to New Orleans the week of my birthday. During those three weeks I believe I fell in love with Taz. I had always cared for him, but something about spending that time with him, traveling together, along with the freedom I felt from being out of the military, made my feelings for him stronger than ever. He apparently felt the same way, because during our stay in St. Louis, he proposed. I had a feeling that moment was coming, and I was eager for it and dreading it at the same time. Eager because I finally had a man that loved me with all of my flaws and I had no intentions of letting that go, and dreading it because it meant some adjustments would have to be made as far as my big move to Dallas. During the time we had taken a break, Taz had been in another relationship and had a son, who was now almost two years old. There had been a lot of drama between he and his son's mother including a whole year where she had not allowed Taz to see his son, and he was now in the middle of a custody/visitation battle. I had a few options, none of which were ideal: I could continue with my plans to move to Dallas and still be in a long-distance relationship, Taz could move to Dallas with me and leave his son just a few months after finally being able to visit with him again, we could take another break and hope that fate would bring us back to each other for a second time, or I could postpone my plans and stay in St. Louis until things were straightened out with the custody case.

To make a long story short, I chose the latter. Does it suck major ball sac to be back in boring ass, mediocre ass St. Louis? Hell fucking yeah. However, I thought about what decision to make for weeks and it just didn't sit well with me to let Taz move hundreds of miles away from his young son and possibly not see him until he's much older. I have never had much of a relationship with my biological father and I can't say for sure whether it had anything to do with the fact that my mother moved our family to St. Louis while he stayed in Chicago. I just know that I wouldn't want to look back and feel like I was partly to blame for a broken relationship between a father and child.

Once my lease was up, Taz flew out to Virginia again and we drove together to St. Louis. Since the moving plans had abruptly changed, I hadn't had the chance to find a place yet, so my mother offered to let me stay with her and my stepdad until Taz and I found something. In theory, this sounded like a great deal, but anyone who knows my mother knows that this would only last for a very short amount of time. It wasn't long before the family drama began to surface, on my side as well as his. We were engaged, and at the time when I was planning to move to Dallas, we had discussed waiting about a year after the move to get settled to have a wedding. We both wanted something small but still elegant, but we knew the costs of moving wouldn't leave a lot of funds for a ceremony, so we wanted to give ourselves time to save up and a year sounded like a decent time frame. However, once we decided to stay in St. Louis, Taz had the bright idea of "Why not just get married now?" This was another tough decision that we went back and forth on for a while. After all of my failed relationship attempts over the past few years, I had honestly thought I would never get married and I really wasn't in a rush. Taz on the other hand, said that he had spent years "playing house" with his son's mother only to be kicked to the curb and left with nothing, and he didn't want a repeat of that. Needless to say, we ended up tying the knot about a month after moving to St. Louis. This decision was met with backlash that came in the form of his sister.

She called me two days before our wedding ceremony, which was odd seeing that in the eleven years I had known Taz, I had only physically seen her on two occasions and spoken her on the phone once. When she identified herself, I hesitantly inquired about why she was calling, although I had an idea why. She proceeded to interrogate me about if her brother and I were really getting married that Saturday, which I confirmed. She then let me know that she had not been notified of this and claimed that their whole family was "just now finding out." I didn't believe this to be true, because I had been with Taz when he sent a text to his brother inviting him to our ceremony, and rather than a yes or no response, his brother simply asked why he was getting married so soon. His father was going to officiate our ceremony, and he had also invited his mother, who he told me had rolled her eyes and told him, "You don't love that girl." Taz had told me he spoke with his sister about it and even asked me to push the ceremony date back a couple weeks because she wanted to attend, but she would be on assignment due to being in the Air Force Reserves. I knew he wanted her to be there, but I felt that would be an inconvenience to the handful of people that we had already invited, and if we kept shifting the date to accommodate the schedule of everyone that wanted to attend the wedding, we would never get married. So I told him we would keep the date we had set. His sister insisted that she had no knowledge of any of this, and went on to tell me that even though their family has issues, they are very close-knit and would like to be apart of a big event such as a wedding, and that it was disrespectful and selfish of us to do it without inviting everyone. She also mentioned several times that his family "doesn't know me," and that it would be awkward to interact with me at family functions because of this. I was thrown off by the fact that I was even having this conversation, and I felt like I was being attacked for some shit that I didn't even know was going on. She claimed that she was upset with Taz and not me, but that's not what I got from her tone at all, especially when she concluded the conversation by stating that since she hadn't been invited, she would never be a part of his life again and wished us "good luck."

To say that put a damper on things would be an understatement. I told Taz about the conversation and he attempted to reach out to his sister but she refused to answer his calls and opted to send him a nasty text message that I later found out stated that she didn't like his "dry ass, nonchalant wife," that I was "never welcome in her presence," and for him not to speak to her anymore. In spite of this, we continued with the ceremony, which was lovely, and proceeded to start married life.

Only a week into our marriage, it became obvious that the living arrangements with my mother were no longer an option. I was home one day with her and my sister as we each browsed the internet on our respective laptops. My sister's birthday was that upcoming Monday, and I was trying to think of something to do for her. My mother would be out of town for a conference on my sister's birthday and I knew if I didn't think of something to do to celebrate, everyone would just treat it like another day. I went into the living room and called Taz while he was at work to discuss some birthday dinner options. While I was talking to him, my mother burst into the living room and announced that I needed to go back into the kitchen because she was about to vacuum. I obviously didn't want to go in there because I didn't want my sister to overhear my conversation, so I said that I would step outside. My mother immediately started muttering under her breath about me having an attitude and this being "her house," and I shook my head and proceeded to go outside. This led to my mother's typical behavior of ignoring me while simultaneously stomping back and forth and playing loud gospel music making reference to "taking back what the devil stole." Then she finished cleaning, said something to my sister, and they both left the house without saying a word to me. I took this time to get dressed and get in my car to ride around and clear my head from the bullshit that had just taken place. This situation was a reoccurring theme that comes up whenever I have stayed with my mother as an adult. Things will be cool for about two or three weeks max, then she finds something totally insignificant to get upset about, all while pointing the finger at me and accusing me of having an attitude. She continues by letting me know that it's her house, and escalates the situation to the point where she says I need to leave, or I feel so uncomfortable and annoyed that I leave on my own. This time was no different. I stayed out the whole day until it was time for Taz to get off of work. I told him I didn't want to stay with my mother anymore. We had been looking for a place since we had gotten back, but there was nothing that we liked; either that or the places that we did like had ridiculous income requirements. We briefly went back to my mother's house to shower before going to spend the next couple nights at my brother's house. While we were there, we discussed what to do and I told Taz that even though we had nowhere to live, I was ready to get my stuff out of my mom's house ASAP. He knew there was no changing my mind, so we went to her house the next morning to pack up. Upon arriving, we discovered that the house key she had given me when I got back had mysteriously gone missing. I called my sister to come answer the door, and once we got my car packed, I asked her if my mother had taken the key and she said yes. She had somehow secretly swiped it during the brief time we were at the house a couple nights before. I laughed and shook my head at the irony of it all. My mother had done something so petty, yet she had flown out of town with a plane ticket that I bought for her because she had found herself unemployed and broke for the umpteenth time.

I was disappointed but not surprised. I had been prepared to come back to changed locks, or a note on the door stating that I wasn't welcome in her house. That's my mother's M.O. We ended up staying at a hotel for the next two days, but luckily found an apartment in a decent area that we were able to move into immediately with no crazy deposit or fees. I haven't spoken to my mother since that weekend. There really is nothing to say, as far as I'm concerned. I know some people would say not to let little things like this keep you from talking to your family, but I've had years of feeling drained from the nonsense that my mother comes up with and I can't do it anymore. It's enough to be back in a place I don't really want to be without dealing with her drama. For now, Taz is all the family that I have.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Stay in Your Lane.

So I finally got some fire under my ass to write something and it's all due to an interesting exchange that I just had on Facebook. I am not one to engage in "Facebook beef," (at least, not anymore), so I figured this would be the best place to vent.

As we all know, the pimple on America's ass that refuses to go away (aka Donald Trump), has been causing a political upset as his numbers in the polls keep getting higher and higher. He's got minorities around the country clutching their pearls as they brace for a possible--and sure to be very unpleasant--reality that come November, we may be calling him our Commander in Chief. One option that many, including myself, have toyed with the idea of, is packing up and moving overseas. I know that it won't be the easiest move to make, but living in a place that is not being run by such an ignorant tyrant sounds way better to me. Now that I'm no longer attached to the military and I don't have a job or any major obligations, it seems like the perfect time to look into making that move.

Ironically, I was browsing Facebook today and noticed a post on my timeline addressing this very topic. A woman that I follow (but do not know personally) was speaking about all of the folks that are threatening to leave America in the event that Trump becomes President. She scoffed at the notion, saying that they would first of all need a passport and claiming that 62% of Americans do not have a passport (not sure where she got those statistics from), and noting how expensive it would be to move an entire family to another country.

I found the post to be condescending, and although some of her points were valid, none of them apply to me. Passport? Check. I applied for mine last year before I left for deployment because I knew that I was going to be flying back from overseas, and had been advised by higher ups to have one just in case. For some reason, I didn't need it to fly back to the states from Bahrain, but right before I left, there were some last minute hiccups that could have resulted in me having to fly back from Dubai, where I WOULD need a passport. Luckily I had it, but in the end I flew back from Bahrain and didn't need it. Expenses to make the move? Check. I'm single with no kids so I would only have to worry about moving myself. I managed to build up a nice savings cushion during deployment; it's not enough to live off of for the rest of my life, but it could get me where I need to go. Plus, if I do decide to make an international move, I won't be taking my living room set or queen-sized bed, so those would be sold, which would give me another grand or so to add to my savings.

I commented on the post and mentioned that I have no family to move, I have a passport, and some money saved, so moving out of the country wouldn't be as far fetched for me as her post made it out to be. Minutes later, she replied, firing off a series of questions about exactly HOW much money did I have saved? Did I have a job lined up? Did I have enough to cover 6 months of rent? This is the part where the urge to start a Facebook beef hit me. I haven't been out of the military life long enough to have shed all the bad habits that I picked up while in, so my instinct was to respond with, "It's none of your FUCKING business how much money I have saved up." But that's rude, right? I didn't though. *pats self on back* Instead I politely responded by saying that I do have enough money saved up, and that living in another country has always been an interest of mine, and having a shitty president would only give me more of an incentive to finally make that move. Right after that, ANOTHER woman (whom also does not know me personally) said that "hopefully" I am in excellent health, and posted a link to a website about the process to apply for a visa to Canada, and how they will deny it if you have health problems...although I never mentioned anything about wanting to move to Canada.

Low key, the conversation irked me. I don't understand how perfect strangers think it's cool to drill someone about their finances and health. I'm not an idiot; I know that I can't up and try to move to Paris with $100 to my name. It's true that not everyone has the means to move to another country; however, I was stating that it is feasible for me. Keyword: ME. Nowhere in my post did I ask anyone for money to assist me with moving overseas, so all the extra shit about whether I have enough money to survive was unnecessary. This is an issue that I have with a lot of people though. Any time someone mentions doing something that's out of the norm, they want to throw tons of doubt in an attempt to deter that decision. If you decide to stay in America and deal with Trump and all of his racist bullshit, that's great. I'm not here for it. And if I do my research and save more money and say, "Fuck it, I'm out," that's my business. It's one thing to know someone personally that doesn't have a pot to piss in who's talking about leaving the country and giving them the side eye, but how are you going to give the side eye to someone that you know nothing about, whose bank account and physical well-being you've never seen? Nah. Miss me with that.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Being Nice.

For some reason, I seem to always be the person that people turn to when they need a favor. It is more than likely due to my laid back nature and reluctance to tell people no. It's funny, because at work and with people who don't know me, I often come off as a bitch, or "mean." However, with *some of* my family and the few friends I have, I am often willing to help them in just about any situation, and I've noticed over the years that some people take advantage of that.

I have a friend that is stationed in Virginia on the same ship as I am. I'll call her Minnie. We've both been on the ship for more than four years, but we never actually started talking to each other until a few months before our first deployment. Most of our time was spent trying to find things to do to stay off of the ship as long as possible (we had given up our respective apartments to prepare for the upcoming deployment). As time went on though, I began to notice that Minnie was one of those people that always needed....something. Not in the aspect of things with monetary value, but just favors in general. Things like wanting to split a hotel room, or a ride somewhere, or to use your discount card at a certain store, etc.

When our deployment got pushed back, Minnie decided to purchase a new car and asked me to accompany her back home, where she would purchase the car and then help her drive back to Virginia. I obliged. Another time, she brought her daughter to Virginia with her to visit for a couple weeks. Her parents have custody of her daughter due to her being a single parent, and they had made plans to drive and meet her at a halfway point in North (or South? I forget) Carolina where she would drop her daughter off with them. Once again she asked me to come along with her to help with the drive and once again, I said yes. Things of this nature have happened quite frequently since my dealings with Minnie, and I often find myself thinking that the foundation of our friendship is built off of the convenience of me doing things for her. Minnie is also the type of person that whines and attempts to use manipulation to get people to do what she wants. She'll often make a phone call or send a seemingly harmless text that starts with her asking what I've been up to or how I've been, and then quickly segues into whatever favor it is that she needs. She'll often start her sentence off with something like, "Don't you want to help me with...x, y, z?" Any time I tell her that I might have something else to do, or if I simply don't feel like doing whatever it is, she hits me with the "Awww, come onnnnnn!" and tries to convince me of reasons why I should. Although I clearly have seen through her manipulation, I suppose I still allow myself to get sucked into helping her because it's just how I am. Like Minnie, I don't have any friends or family in Virginia so I know that it's shitty to literally have to do EVERYTHING on your own, but it's also draining to always have to be "the one" to come through in the clutch, or have to deal with being guilt tripped.

This is part of why I have often had to take breaks from, and at times cut off all communication with, Minnie. She seems to equate being a friend with doing everything she needs when she needs it, and any time I don't, she tries to play the "you're being mean" card. And honestly, I could give a damn if she thinks I'm being mean. It's just annoying to deal with, and it piles a lot of negative vibes on my life that I don't need right now. I hadn't spoken to Minnie for a couple months because I needed a breather from all the neediness and negativity. She approached me a few weeks ago and was asking why I hadn't talked to her in so long and I told her exactly that; I needed a break. She is one of those people that I have to deal with in doses, because constantly being around her makes me want to gouge my eyes out.

Which brings me to my present Minnie situation. We are both currently on leave before going on another deployment. I haven't spoken to her in about two weeks, but today I get a text from her saying hello and asking how I'm enjoying my time at home. There's the usual chit chat, and then, surprise! The next text reads: "Do you want to do something nice?" My immediate response is "No." Then she starts with all the "I'm always the first to text you, blah, blah" talk, and I tell her that whenever she contacts me first, it's because she needs something. She says that's not true, and although I still have not agreed to whatever it is that she wants from me, she proceeds to tell me that she wants me to ride with her to North Carolina the weekend after next, so that she can drop her car off and pick up a rental car. She claims that she doesn't "really need" me, but she wants the company and also wants to explore the area. I tell her I'll think about it, and as usual, she starts with the verbal nudging. "Don't you want to hang out with me and see a different state?" I tell her that I could just want to spend that time at home in my bed, which she says I do every day. This is true, and it's also my choice to continue to do that every day if I please and I tell her as much. She then says that it's "sad" that I'm the only person she can ask, and I tell her it is sad that I seem to be nothing more than a default friend, which of course she denies.

So. As of now, I'm leaning towards saying no. I don't have any plans, but that's besides the point. As I said earlier, I am always that go-to person for people whenever they don't have anyone else and honestly, it's exhausting. I don't want to sound like an asshole but I have had (and still have) a few predicaments that I had to navigate through myself, so I don't feel that I need to be the savior for people who for whatever reason, don't know how to, or don't try, to navigate through situations and handle their business without the help of someone else. I have plenty of things I need to get arranged for myself before I leave for deployment, so I honestly think it's selfish of Minnie to ask me to spend a whole Saturday during one of my last few weekends on land to run all over North Carolina with her. And I'm over this "do you want to be nice" shit. I don't know what it is that makes people think they are the final authority on what constitutes being nice. I don't define being nice as jumping to do things for someone whenever they ask. If that's what it takes to be nice, I guess I'll never be that.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Some Randomness.

I realized I've only done about three blog posts this year. :/ I'm not doing too great of a job at this anymore. It's not even that I don't enjoy blogging; lately it just seems that my life is boring as shit, so I have nothing to write about. Or if I think of something to write about, I'm too lazy to actually do it and once I get around to writing a post, it doesn't seem like anything worth posting.

Anyway, there's still not a whole lot going on around these parts. Well, I guess there kinda is but it doesn't seem like it. In less than 6 months, I may be a civilian again. The long five year contract that I signed is finally coming to an end and I will be a free woman again! Lol. However, I am kind of still looking at an opportunity to change my career path in the military and if I am able to, I might re-enlist for another 3-4 years. The process I have to go through has a lot of red tape, so I'm preparing myself for the worst case scenario...which really isn't the "worst," in my mind. As odd as it sounds, I am almost hoping that the process to change my job doesn't go through, so I can get back to somewhat of a normal life. No more having to take orders from uneducated morons simply because they outrank me, no more silly hair regulations, no more uniforms, no more waking up at ungodly hours, no more sitting in crazy traffic just to get on base. I may not be getting paid on the 1st and the 15th anymore, but at this point I feel like that is the only upside to being in the military, because I am pretty miserable in every other way. Although I am supposed to separate from the military in late February, I will be going on deployment with my ship next month. I'm not looking forward to it because I feel like it will be taking away time that I could be using to transition into civilian life, but that's the "needs of the Navy." I'm trying to just bear it and tell myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A light, plus a DD-214, which in my mind seems like having the golden ticket in a chocolate factory.

The big thing that is always stressed when it's close to time for anyone to transition out of the military is to "have a plan." Every senior ranking service member at my command makes the civilian world sound like some dark, scary, apocalyptic vortex that will suck you in and turn you into a dirty, homeless zombie if you don't have a plan. Well, maybe the foreboding words have an effect on those that came straight into the military out of high school, but I went to college and worked several jobs prior to joining the military, and although I know being a civilian is no cake walk, it is doable. Not only that, but in my experience, any time I've made plans, they've fallen through about 99.9% of the time. Therefore I make tentative plans, but I always keep in the back of my mind that those plans are not set in stone. With that being said, my tentative plan as of now, is to go back to school and finish my bachelor's degree. I am leaning towards either doing paralegal studies or political science. The ambitious side of me has dreams of going to law school, but the lazy side doesn't want to go through another 3-4 years of school, plus taking a bar exam. If the lazy side of me wins, I will finish my bachelor's and call it a day. I may try to get a part-time job while going to school, but ideally I would like to just concentrate on school without the added stress of juggling work and school, which I have always done in the past. I've gotten rid of my credit card debt and I am now working on paying as much as possible towards my car so that I have as few bills as possible when/if I get out next year. Stepping out from the security blanket of the military is exciting and a little scary at the same time, but I think it is time for a change.

Saturday, July 25, 2015


So I guess I had a cut buddy for the first time recently. I'll call him Young'n. He was actually someone that "tried" to date me almost a year ago, but due to some characteristics that he had, I decided a relationship between us wasn't the best option for me. Then a couple months ago I got that "itch" and I felt that he would be the only person I knew of that wouldn't be weird about hooking up occasionally, so I went for it.

However, as we began dealing with each other again, I noticed the same little things come up that made me never want to pursue a relationship with him in the first place. For one, although he was a very outgoing person and could carry on a conversation about anything, he kept a lot of information to himself when it came to his personal life. Whenever we met up with each other, he would volunteer to drive to my house because he apparently lived with several "friends/family members" that he didn't want to be in his business, therefore he refused to have me come around. It struck me as odd. I'm a private person myself, but I wouldn't be completely opposed to bringing someone to my home if I had roommates. I asked several times if he was sexually involved with anyone else and he insisted that he wasn't, but something told me he wasn't being 100% honest with me. I also noticed that aside from the initial hook up that we engaged in, almost every time we met up following that night seemed to be on his schedule. He'd hit me up and ask if he could see me and I'd say ok, however if I contacted him to see if he wanted to come over, he would either take hours to reply back or say that he was "busy." One of my biggest pet peeves is people who claim to be so busy all of the time. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I just have no life, but I feel like if you're not President Obama, or Oprah, or someone in that category, you are not too busy to simply reply to a text.

After a couple months of dealing with each other, my work schedule reared its ugly head and I was not able to see Young'n for almost a month because my ship was out at sea. He sporadically kept in touch through email, then stopped responding for over a week and I didn't bother trying to contact him again while I was at sea. Immediately upon my return to shore, I got a text from Young'n asking when he was going to see me. I had plans to go out of town for the weekend, so I told him I wasn't sure. He said ok, and that he would wait on me to let him know when I was available. A few days passed and he sent another text, initially making conversation about something he saw on the internet that reminded him of me, then he quickly segued into asking when he was going to get some. At this point I started to get a bit irritated. I know that we hadn't been intimate in a long while, but the fact that he kept hounding me about a specific day that we could meet was getting under my skin. In my mind, it seemed as if he thought my sole purpose in life was being convenience pussy that he could get whenever. I suppose that's the purpose of a cut buddy, but I still found it to be inconsiderate and I told him so. He accused me of "playing games" because I had not given him an approximate day or time that I would be back in town, and also told me that if I didn't want to mess around with him, I could let him know so he could find someone else. I brushed him off, then when I got home one night I got a little liquor in my system and decided to see if he could come over. As usual, his response was no. He asked about another day and at this point I told him not to worry about it to which he simply replied, "Ok." It may not seem like a big deal, but from my experience dealing with Young'n, he is always so emotionally disengaged and nonchalant about almost everything. I could write him a long ass paragraph about something he said or did that turned me off and his only response would be "Ok." I had a moment where I stepped out of character and turned into that super emotional chick that will say anything she can think of to get a reaction out of a guy. I thanked him for proving that he didn't give a fuck about me, which I had known all along, and that as cool as he seemed to be about not talking to me anymore, it seemed that he was more than likely fucking someone else. I got no response, which made me feel even more dumb. I figured that was just a lesson learned and prepared to keep it moving, even though I was still pretty pissed.

A couple days later, Young'n called. I contemplated whether or not I should even have a conversation with him, but I answered to see what he had to say. As I had become accustomed to with Young'n, he took no responsibility for the prior conversation we had, and instead accused me of being "extra" by bringing up the subject of him sleeping with someone else. He said I needed to understand that unlike myself, he is an extrovert and he is not just going to drop everything when I hit him up out of nowhere. I listened to him, but everything he said was going in one ear and out the other. After going through his spiel, he asked if my decision to not be cut buddies anymore was my "final answer." I told him that it was, only because it would cut down on my frustration. He said ok, and told me to take care. I figured that was that, until almost a week later he sent a text saying that "by the way, I never messed with anyone else." I told him he didn't have to explain that to me and he claimed that he just wanted to make sure none of my assumptions went uncontested. I asked if that was still the case, and he wanted to know why it mattered. I told him that maybe I had gotten caught up in my emotions at the time and wanted to reconsider. He said that that was still the case, and we recently met up again. 

However, something feels....different. Like I feel as if I am just going through the motions, and I feel like that's defeating the whole purpose of this kind of arrangement. As I said, I've never just had a casual partner before, and I wanted that feeling of being free and spontaneous, but now it feels like I'm still in a semi-almost-but-not-really relationship, since I am always waiting around on this dude and when HE feels ready to smash. If I say anything or voice my dislike for something, I get treated as if I am being dramatic or over analyzing the situation, and if I don't say anything I feel like I am nothing more than a sex toy. I understand that Young'n and I technically have no obligations to each other, but I get the sense that he wants me to be obligated to him without doing it in return which is not cool at all. I don't know. Maybe the cut buddy life is not for me.