Confusion. (Part 2)

I went home for the holidays and spent more time with Taz and it was awesome as always. We always had a good time when we hung out. He told me that his feelings for me were getting more serious and I felt the same. I'm usually not one to express my emotions, for fear of looking (and feeling) like an idiot, but with Taz I felt comfortable for some reason. I didn't have any reservations about him making fun of me or judging me, and that's something I never felt with anyone else.

This past January was his birthday month, and about a week before his birthday he sent me a text saying that he was going to try to persuade his younger sister to fly him out to Virginia as a birthday gift. He said that she was originally going to buy him some parts to fix his car and a lens for his camera (he has been working on starting his own photography business). I was excited when he first told me because of course I wanted to see him, but then the logical part of me kicked in and started analyzing the situation. Plane tickets are always expensive, especially on short notice, so I knew that would be about $500 for a round trip. On top of that, he would have to stay in a hotel because I wasn't allowed to have overnight visitors in my barracks. Even the cheap hotels in Virginia start around $100 a night and Taz was planning on staying here for 3 or 4 days, so that would be another 3 or 4 hundred bucks. Add the cost of food to that, and that's easily over $1000 for a trip; money that could be spent towards him having reliable transportation and equipment for his business. I talked to him a couple days later and apparently his sister had mentioned the same thing to him about his preference of taking a trip instead of investing in something more long-term.

I told him that as much as I wanted to see him, I would rather he use that money for the things he needed. He agreed with me, and we continued communicating via phone calls and text. Until.............

We were having a normal conversation as usual, nothing serious, then Taz hits me with the "Oh, btw my phone will be off tomorrow" text. Okay. I ask him what happened to him doing everything he could to make sure we could stay in touch, because we went for nearly a week without talking the last time due to his phone being off. He claimed that he meant what he said before, but things didn't work out the way he thought, therefore we needed to be "realistic."

Let me pause right there.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I pride myself on being very good with words. With that being said, when someone uses a particular word (or words) to prove a point with me, I will take that word and start thinking of every single way that word has been relevant in dealing with that person. So when Taz implied that I was not being realistic, my mind started racing with all the things he had failed to be "realistic" during our relationship. It wasn't very realistic to want to get married and have kids in 1 or 2 years when he had no income, it wasn't realistic to make plans to come to Virginia when he needed to get his car fixed, it wasn't realistic to get into a long-distance relationship knowing that his phone got cut off on a regular basis.....see where I'm going with this?

So I asked him if realistically, he thought it was fair to me not to be able to talk to him, when were already so far from each other. He admitted that he realized it was frustrating, but there was nothing else he could do. I didn't hear from him anymore that night, but I spent the whole night thinking about the conversation and our whole relationship in general. Like I said in the first part of this post, I've been unemployed and phone-less myself in the past, so that's not the issue I was having with Taz. My issue was that he knew what his situation was, but still chose to embark on getting into a serious relationship. And not just a serious relationship, but a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships pretty much depend on the usage of phones or any means of communication other than face-to-face. If I can't see you every day and I also can't talk to you on the phone, or text you, or e-mail you, what kind of relationship do we have?

Even though it hurt my heart more than anything ever had, I knew what I had to do. The next day Taz hit me up, asking if I was "mad" at him. I told him I wasn't mad, but I had done a lot of thinking and I couldn't deal with randomly being out of touch all the time. He asked what I wanted to do, and I told him I thought we should take a break while he took care of his business and then see where things went from there. He said he agreed with me even though he knew it would hurt. He asked where we stood, and I told him I always valued our friendship but a relationship outside of that didn't seem like the best option at the time. Later, he apologized for being a burden to me and said he hoped he hadn't wasted my time and he still loved me no matter what.

This is where the confusion part comes in. I feel like what I did was the best thing to do, logically, but at the same time I feel like I was being a coldhearted bitch. I couldn't stay with him and pay his phone bill every month because I think that would just be a way of enabling him rather than leaving it up to him to handle his own affairs, but at the same time I know how helpless and frustrated you feel when you don't have the money for what seems like a small thing. I've never been in this type of situation before. I always thought if I broke up with someone it would be because they were abusive or cheating.

All of this happened about two weeks ago, and I still replay what was said in my head every day. This love shit sucks.

Confusion. (Part 1)

In my last post, I said that I would write more regarding my feelings and thoughts about my current relationship. There's no better time than the present, so here it goes.

I met my boyfriend (I'll call him Taz, that's his artistic alter ego nickname) seven years ago in college. We were in the same art classes, and as usual, I kept to myself for the most part. However, he would approach me with some bullshit small talk or say something to make me laugh since I was (and still am) so fucking serious. Eventually, we started talking back and forth on MySpace (that lets you know we go waaaaayyy back) and exchanged numbers. I could tell he liked me and I liked him too, but at the time he had a girlfriend so I wasn't trying to get in the middle of that.

We kept in contact on and off for the next few years, but for some reason he would always randomly change his number and I wouldn't be able to get a hold of him. Then he would call or text me from a new number and we would start talking again. Last year, the day I got out of boot camp, I logged into Facebook and I had a friend request from him. No sooner than I accepted the request, there he was in that little pop-up chat window asking how I had been. He wasn't thrilled to hear I had joined the military, but we exchanged numbers again and kept in touch the whole time I was in A school.

When I came home after graduating from A school, Taz and I spent just about every day together for the next two weeks. During that time, he revealed to me that he had always wanted to be with me and asked how I would feel about being in a long distance relationship. I told him I had never experienced it, but because I cared about him I was willing to try it.

Somewhere in here, I guess I should have mentioned that Taz was (and still is) unemployed. Although we went to school together and I graduated, he stopped taking classes because he was having family and health issues and hasn't gone back yet. However, I've had my times of being unemployed and down on my luck. About four years ago this time, I was desperately poor and probably had about $2 to my name, literally. I had no car, could barely afford to buy food, and I definitely couldn't pay any of my bills. This led to my cell phone being cut off and accruing a $500 bill due to the termination cost and late fees. Add the constant harassing phone calls from bill collectors and you had one miserable sister. I say all of that to say that I knew about Taz's situation, but I wasn't tripping off it too much because I've been there and I know it sucks. I know you can't just snap your fingers and get a 50K yearly salary. I have been called materialistic in my younger days, but I've never been the type of woman to expect a man to buy me clothes, jewelry, and a brand new car. If there's anything I want, I'm capable of paying for it myself. I knew that I was in a bad financial situation, but I managed to get out of it so I had faith that Taz would do the same.

We became "official" in October of 2011 and things were going great. I made the move to Virginia, and one day while we were on the phone he mentioned that he wouldn't be able to talk to me for a few days because his phone would be off. I was thrown off for a minute, then I realized that he was saying he wouldn't be able to pay the bill. I know some of you out there are going to throw virtual darts at me for what I'm about to say, but since we had just started dating and I was feeling unusually compassionate, I sent him the money to pay for it. He promised he would pay me back but I told him not to worry about it. I felt if the roles were reversed and I was in his shoes, he would do the same for me.

As the months went by, he would tell me about jobs he had applied for and how people weren't hiring him because they claimed his skills didn't match what they were looking for. At the same time, he confided that he wasn't getting any support from his family because they looked down at him as a "bum" that was never going to be anything in life. I did my best to encourage him, telling him not to be influenced by what other people thought of him and to do what he could to get back on his feet. He'd say I was right and tell me how much he appreciated me for being there for him.

Then he sent me a text one day saying his phone was going to be off....again. Okay. As much as I wanted to, I refrained from offering to send him the money again. A few days went by with no contact from him and I was a little irritated. Here I am in a long distance relationship, already missing out on the comfort of seeing the person I love every day, and now I can't even hear his voice either? I was pissed. I still did my best to be understanding though, and didn't confront him about how I was feeling (although I should have).

Okay....this is getting long. I guess I'm going to stop here and do that Part 2 shit. Hopefully I won't take forever doing it.

Serious Question.

Is there anyone out in the blogosphere that resides (or knows someone that resides) in Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, or Washington?? I'm trying to come up with a plan....

*Wink, wink

Y'all can probably already figure out what it is.

Tagged And Shit.

I guess I'm supposed to post 11 random facts about myself then answer 11 more questions. I saw the rules on everyone else's blog, but the copy and paste function is being retarded and I'm too lazy to re-type it all.

Anyway, these are my 11 random facts:

1. I'm obsessed with Spider Solitaire. I discovered it on my computer a couple weeks ago and now I play it just about every day.

2. I'm really good at English. At one point in my life, I wanted to be an English teacher.

3. I chew gum like most people smoke cigarettes. I can go through a pack a day.

4. I'm skinny.

5. I enjoy cleaning, especially the bathroom. I feel so proud when everything is all scrubbed down and smelling fresh.

6. I say "I don't give a fuck" a lot.

7. I also say "and shit" a lot.

8. I smoke if I get drunk enough.

9. I drive a Honda Civic.

10. I hate being the first person to initiate a text conversation.

11. I want to live in New York.

Now, the answers to Laki's questions:

1. Do you follow any superstitions?

No.

2. Are you single or attached? How do you feel about your current situation?

Oh boy. Answering this question could be a blog post all by itself. I'm currently in a relationship, but I'm not as happy about it as I should be. The person I'm with is a good person and I think he has good intentions...but I feel like he lacks the motivation to get out of the state he's in and that's emotionally draining for me. More on that later.

3. If you could have dinner with any famous person, living or dead, who would it be?

Lupe Fiasco. I love his lyrics and I'd want to pick his brain on how he came up with them.

4. What five words would OTHER PEOPLE describe you as?

Quiet, smart, skinny, weird, sarcastic.

5. Cats or dogs?

Dogs. Cats are creepy.

6. Weave or natural?

Natural. I had weave put in for the first time last summer and it was the worst experience ever. Even after I repeatedly told the woman my hair was natural and I DID NOT want any relaxer in it, she still put relaxer "around the edges" so it could "blend" in with the weave. Then tracks were showing and shit...I was beyond pissed. It will take a long minute before I do that again.

7. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?

Walked through a gang of clowns during a Halloween fest at an amusement park.

8. Who are you closest to?

My mom and younger brother.

9. What's one of the most embarrassing things you've done?

Pissed myself in boot camp.

10. What advice were you given that you wish you would have listened to?

Finish getting my bachelor's degree.

11. If money were no object, what would be the first thing you'd do?

Move to Italy.

I know the next part is to tag other people, but I can't think of anyone so umm....yeah.

New Year Shit.

I went home for the holidays and it was such a nice getaway, as usual. So much so, that I didn't want to come back to Virginia. At all. Like, I was seriously thinking of ways that I could disappear. Withdraw all the money from my bank accounts and live like a fugitive, or fake my death or something.

I didn't do it though. So here I am, back in Snore-ville, trying to keep up the high from being at home for as long as possible. Don't know how long it will last, since people from work were irking my nerves the first day I got back. I try not to let them get to me, I really do, but there's just something in my brain that won't allow me to let that shit go. I always say I'm going to work on it and I do for a while, then someone says or does something and I'm back in that place again.

Anyway, I don't really do the New Year's Resolution thing anymore because I never follow through with that shit. I have goals and accomplishments that I'm constantly working towards. I've been working towards them pretty much all year round. I have setbacks, but I keep getting up and pushing through it.

One goal I'm always *trying* to work on is saving money. I never thought something that seems so simple could be so hard, but it really is (for me at least). I have good intentions, but as soon as I'm saving, some random bill or repair pops up that I have to take care of, and I find myself pulling money from my savings. I guess savings are meant for emergencies, but still. I just want to have the money THERE. I don't want to have to use it for some bullshit. That probably sounds unreasonable as hell, but I don't care. I always envy people who have like $10,000 just sitting pretty in their bank account.

I was making my way towards being that way, but of course my impatient ass went and got a brand-new car. I don't regret getting the car because I'm the type of person that NEEDS to be independent. I can't be waiting around for people to give me rides and shit, but at the same time, every time the first of the month rolls around and that car payment comes out, I cry a little on the inside.

Other than that, I'm planning on doing what I need to do to advance in the military. I still don't know if I want to make a career out of it, but the least I can do is work on getting promoted while I'm in. The only thing that makes it hard is that I work with so many disgruntled people who HATE the military and don't give a fuck about helping any of the new people; they're just counting down the days until they get out. I'm trying to find the people who can give me some guidance; maybe that will make things better.

Personally, I'm working on making this relationship thing work. I'm so happy when I'm with my boyfriend at home, but as soon as I get to Virginia I do my best to pretend he doesn't exist. I know that sounds fucked up, but if I think about how much I miss him, I won't want to get out of bed. I have to think like that so I can function, or at least that's what I tell myself. At the same time, I'm sure that makes him think I don't care. My goal is to sort through my emotions and be honest about them, since I've always had problems expressing how I feel....vocally, that is.

Well, those are my New Year's non-Resolutions. Good luck to everyone else that has made resolutions!

Stress Never Outweighs Peace (Or So I'm Told).

I've been stressed for a while about my living situation, and I guess I'm ready to "write it out," as DBB would say.

I think I mentioned before that I have been staying on the barge since I moved to Virginia. It's supposed to be a temporary living arrangement until I get assigned to barracks, but to my disappointment, I've discovered that it's not as temporary as I thought. When I first got here, people from my ship told me I would stay on the barge for "a few days," which turned into "a couple weeks," and now it's going on two months and I've been told that I may be here as long as 6-9 months, due to a ridiculously long waiting list for military housing.

A few people who arrived in Virginia before me advised that I should go to the housing office on base and ask about getting a room assignment, which is what they did. Last week, I went with a friend of mine to make the request and I was told that they're "not allowed" to give any more rooms to people from my ship because those rooms are reserved for sailors coming off a previously deployed ship.

I had been looking at the possibility of getting an apartment. I planned to move in with the girl I knew from "A" school, but after her Friday night shenanigans, that's out of the question. So now I'm considering a one bedroom apartment, but the cost of living here is way more than what I anticipated and the decent apartments are starting at $600 for a one bedroom (and I definitely don't have an extra $600 laying around in my bank account). Anything less than that is.....hood. As hell. And I can't do hood, no matter how bad my living situation is at the barge. The barge is shitty, but at least I'm not paying rent there. I'll be damned if I pay money to live in a shit hole.

After I left the housing office with my friend, my boyfriend called and he could tell from my tone that I was irritated. I've complained to him and my family about my dissatisfaction with where I'm living, so I didn't want to get into it again. He asked if I was okay and I said no, but I didn't want to talk about it. I was driving and I got lost so I told him I would call him back. Then he sent a text saying he wished he could make me feel better. I told him there wasn't anything he could do and that I might just be depressed. He kept saying he was "concerned," as if he thought I was on my way to jump off the nearest bridge, which I told him I wasn't (yet). I finally broke down and said I was tired of having to jump through hoops before I could go to school or live somewhere decent. He told me to be patient and everything would come to me. I've lost count of how many times I've heard that, whether it's from him, my mother, or my friends, and I told him that's why I didn't want to talk about it, because everyone says the same shit.

Then his panties got all in a bunch and he told me I didn't have to "come at him" like that. He said he was trying to uplift me, but he was sorry for trying. Poor thing. He has no idea that there's no uplifting in the world that can help when I get in one of my "fuck the world" moods. He said he didn't want me to be stressed out, and I told him stress is a part of life and he can't stop it. Then he hit me with this quote: "Stress never outweighs peace."

Hmmmm. That may be true for some, but in my experience, I've never been good at being at peace when I'm under a lot of stress. Besides, isn't it easy for him to preach about peace and all that bullshit when he's going home to a warm, spacious house? He doesn't have to practically live out of his car because there's not enough room for his shit in a tiny ass berthing. He doesn't have gnats flying around because people leave bags of trash sitting in the hallway for days. He doesn't have to sleep in a less-than-twin sized bed that kills his back every night.

I know. This is what I signed up for right? I'm being a diva, huh? Ehhh...whatever. That's how I feel right now.

Deja Vu.

Do you ever find yourself attracting the exact same kind of friends no matter how many times you say you won't? It makes you have to look at yourself and ask what could be wrong with you if you end up in the same situations time and time again. With that being said....self, what the hell is wrong with you???

Let me back up a little. A few years ago when I lived in Atlanta, I became "friends" with a girl that was going to the same school. Initially she seemed pretty stuck up to me, but due to a mutual hatred of the institution we went to, we hung out more and more often, to the point where we were together every day. This girl was the complete opposite of me: loud and outgoing, heavy set, never seen without a sew-in weave, very flirtatious. Somehow though, we managed to get along for a significant amount of time. Eventually, I began to realize that she used her outspoken nature as a way to manipulate others, myself included. Although I'm a quiet person, I don't do well with being manipulated, so I cut the friendship off. This led to her writing me a lengthy and nasty Facebook message about how honored I should have been to be in her presence, which led to me blocking her and moving on with my life.

Fast forward to now. I don't know too many people here in Virginia, except a girl I used to be roommates with in "A" school. This girl is also the total opposite of me: loud and outgoing, heavy set, religiously wears a sew-in weave, very flirty (seeing the pattern here?). And again, we've managed to get along for a significant amount of time.

Until...............................

This past Friday, we make plans to go to her friend's apartment and have a few drinks before going to a club in town. We go to the club and it's okay, not a horrible place but nothing to write home about. We're there for an hour and a half to two hours tops, when my friend tells me she's been texting back and forth with her fuck buddy and he told her his roommate wants me to come over. I had gone over to her friend's place once before and his roommate barely talked to me, which didn't bother me much since I already have a boyfriend. However, this night at the club is a prime example of why liquor should never be mixed with decision making, because I agree to go over there with her again.

We drop her other friend off at home, then head to the dude's apartment. We get inside to find her friend, his roommate, and two other guys I've never seen before. I'm getting a feeling this isn't going to go the way my friend thought it would. I sit down and wait as she and the friend engage in the flirtatious bantering that seems to be a prerequisite to them going off to his room and getting it in. The shots of Hennessy I had earlier are making me drowsy, then I hear her friend call me to hang out with everyone in the kitchen. When I hesitate, he invites me out the balcony to have a "chat." Bad decision #2.

We get outside and he starts asking which of his friends I "want." I stare at him in confusion, and tell him I don't "want" either one of them. First of all, I have a boyfriend, second, neither of the guys are attractive or interesting to me, and third, I'm not in the business of fucking random niggas for the hell of it. Then his roommate comes out, saying he wouldn't mind being the chosen one but he has a crazy baby's mama. They go on for a while, asking if I'm shy and trying to convince me that it's "just sex." The roommate leaves, then the other dude goes into some other shit, implying that even though he's been sleeping with my friend, he wouldn't mind taking a shot at me. Then he says something about an orgy and I tell him to go talk to my friend because I'm done with this whole conversation. He asks if she's down, does that mean I am too? Again, I tell him to go talk to her.

She comes out to the balcony moments later and asks if I said I wanted to have an orgy. I tell her hell no, and she asks if I want to leave. I say yes, and we start to head out. As we're leaving, her friend says something to her that I don't hear then tells her he's going to have his sister fight her, which makes her go crazy. She's trying to fight him and his friend, while the rest of us are trying to break them up. We finally get her downstairs and to my car, then I realize that I left my phone upstairs in the whole frenzy. She's more than happy to go get my phone, as this will give her another opportunity to swing on some niggas. By the time she gets my phone, the police are pulling up.

They ask what we were doing, and she refuses to tell them anything. All she keeps saying is that she was going to get my phone off the charger and we were about to leave. I'm a sheltered child and I've never had many dealings with the cops, but I decide not to incriminate myself, avoiding the cop's questions when he asks what was going on. They take our IDs and head upstairs to talk to the guys. Moments later, the cops come downstairs and tell us we can go. On the way to the car, I tell her it was stupid for her to get into it with them, knowing we could have gotten in trouble for it. Her response: "Okay, but we didn't!"

Then she starts talking shit about how she was just trying to get my phone and I could have gotten it myself, and from now on she's not going anywhere, she's just going to stay posted in her room, blah, blah, blah. I'm tired of her dramatic bullshit and don't say anything else to her on the drive back to base. She gets out of the car without a word and storms off. I'm confused on how I was trying to stop her from doing dumb shit and now she's mad. I already know that will be the last time it ever happens. We're in the military now, so if we get taken in by the police, that will open up a whole world of trouble, but I guess that doesn't mean anything to someone who's intoxicated and angry that they missed out on some Friday night dick.

Anyway, I feel like this always happens to me. I get caught up with some Bad Girls Club wannabe and end up right in the middle of her drama. Then when I cut her off, it leaves me all by myself because she was so manipulative that she made sure no one else hung out with us. I don't want to befriend anyone else like that, but I don't know how I will stop it, since I thought I had learned my lesson after the girl I kicked it with in Atlanta.