Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Shit On My Mind.

It could just be me, but I've come to realize that I don't have any real friends around me at the moment. Maybe I've gotten more paranoid since moving away from home, or maybe people just really ain't shit. Either way, it seems that even the few people that I choose to have in my circle only want to be around me because of what I can do for them.

And I'm not saying "what I can do for them" as if I have so much to offer. It's the little things I'm willing to do that I feel have been taken for granted. For the most part, I am extremely laid-back and will be down for whatever. You want to go see a movie? Cool. You feel like taking a road trip? Sounds good to me. I never have an objection to much of anything, even if it's not something that I am crazy about doing. I think this is a quality that people love, but it can also work to my disadvantage. It seems that people have the mindset that I don't have an opinion, and even if I do, they don't care to hear it. It's gotten to the point that when I do voice my opinion, I am either ignored or I get a "look" implying that I am being bitchy. I guess when people settle into certain roles and you allow yourself to be put into a certain role, it's hard to shake it.

Another thing people take advantage of: the fact that I am not cheap. I HATE cheap people. I hate people who always cry about not having money and refuse to go out unless you pay their way. Therefore I am the complete opposite. I don't take handouts from anyone, even when I might need them. I give friends rides to the store, mall, etc. and never ask for gas money. I supply liquor when my friends and I go out to party and I don't request that everyone "put five on it." For some reason, I get the feeling that if I ever DID request cash for my "services," I would get that same "look" I mentioned before. But why? Is it my job to play chauffeur and/or bartender when I go out with the girls? Just this past weekend, my friend (who has a car) requested that we take my car to the club. She offered to drive, and mentioned that she and another girl would give me gas money. Well, the night ended and needless to say, I didn't see any damn gas money. All I was left with was less than a quarter tank of gas and vomit in my backseat.

I don't know....I never got these vibes when I lived in Florida a few years ago. It seemed like everyone that I kicked it with liked me for me. I didn't have a car, I was always broke, but that didn't stop my friends from calling and texting to see if I wanted to hang out. Here, I feel like if I didn't have a car, I would be shit-out-of-luck as far as friends go (a fact that was proven when a lot of my "friends" mysteriously disappeared last year after I became car-less). Here, I get the feeling that I am just a last resort because none of my friends have their "real friends" nearby. Everyone here is so "bored," so I think they just take what they can get. I know in my gut that as soon as their "real friends" come around, I'm no longer an option. And in my mind, that's not a true friend. I don't exist merely to serve as someone's entertainment because they're working a dead-end job, and I don't exist to drive someone around town because they think they're too good for public transportation.

I suppose this is why I still consider myself a loner, even when I have friends around. I keep most of my emotions bottled up; no one really knows what I'm thinking or feeling. I reveal only so much while keeping the rest to myself. I don't trust anyone here. I feel that as soon as I open up, all of my business is going to be passed on to motherfuckers that I don't even like, and that would piss me off.

Don't mind me; this post is the result of little sleep, lots of stress, and of course, boredom.


☻TABOO♥ said...

OMG... I can soooo relate to this post. At least your excuse is you're in a new place. I was born and raised in Miami and STILL have no real friends to show for these 24 years of life. I have 2... and a third if you count my younger cousin. SMH

I just blogged about this the other day...

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

That's so funny you commented on this post, because I just commented on your blog post about the friend issue! Lol. I didn't have too many friends back in my hometown either, but I at least felt like people were more genuine than they are here.