Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Phone Bloggin' (translation: boredom)

Finding the perfect apartment seems to be the equivalent of finding the perfect man: damn near impossible. Or maybe I'm just too picky about where I want to live, just like I am with men. Haha. Things that make you go hmmmm....

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sometimes I Just Wanna Holler.

I don't even know where to start. Family drama seems to be a never-ending string of bullshit events that always have a common denominator: me being the one at fault.

My mom went out of town for a week-long school function this past week. Whenever my mom leaves the house for long periods of time, there is always bound to be some foolishness going on, and this time was no exception. Just about everyone in the house has an "Every man (or woman) for him/herself" mentality (myself included). However, I am the only one willing to admit my selfish ways, and I seem to get punished for it. My brother and sister are 19 and 17, respectively. When I was 17, I had started my first job, and had learned how to drive. My sister has never had a job, and seems to have no intentions of getting a job. She also doesn't know how to drive, and seems to have no intentions of learning how. She is content with sitting in her room creating animated characters on her computer. My brother does work and goes to school; however, he seems to think that everyone's work and school schedule is less important than his.

It's difficult to have a conversation with him without hearing: "I don't have time to deal with such-and-such, because I go to school full-time AND I work." I usually just blow his remarks off as the ramblings of an immature nineteen-year-old. Not sure why I'm saying all of this; I suppose just to give a little background on what occurred while my mom was out of town.

My mom is the cook of the house; while she's gone, no one cooks anything. We all basically have to fend for ourselves while she's gone, and I take this as the opportunity to get my fast food on. One day I come home from work and almost immediately, my brother comes in the living room complaining about how hungry he is and how there is no food in the house.I tell him I'm starving too, and debate about whether or not we should order Chinese. I don't feel like going anywhere, so I Google some places that might deliver. I ask if everyone is going to chip in and my brother claims that he doesn't have any money. A few moments later, I say something, I don't remember what, and he says that he can fix himself something to eat or buy something. I remind him that he said he doesn't have any money, and he snidely replies, "I don't have to tell you if I have money or not." Then he storms out of the living room. At this point, I say fuck him and go into my sister's room and tell her I'm going to order Chinese so I can find out what she wants. She has her iTunes turned up to the highest volume possible. I ask if she can turn it down for a second. "I can hear you," she says. Okay. Since listening to her music is obviously more important than eating, I leave her be and go get my food. When I come home, my brother's truck is gone and he comes in moments after me with Taco Bell for both of them. That's cool. They're both obviously pissed at me, but I don't care. I don't have time for the bullshit; when I'm ready to eat, I'm ready to eat and I'm not waiting around for someone because they want to listen to a song that they listen to a million times a day.

Fast forward to this weekend. My mom gets home and everything starts off all right. This morning I'm taking a shower, and when I get out I turn the bathroom sink on so I can brush my teeth. My mom walks by the bathroom and asks why I left the water on. I tell her what I was about to do, and she complains that I'm wasting water. It took me maybe 2.5 seconds to get my toothbrush out of the hallway closet and walk back to the bathroom. I'm annoyed that I'm getting chewed out for something so petty, and since I'm horrible at hiding my facial expressions, it shows. As I'm getting dressed downstairs, I hear my mom go into my brother's room and they start talking shit about me. One of the topics of discussion is what happened with the food situation earlier this week. Later my mom comes downstairs to ask me something about the laundry. I'm short with her, and she asks why I'm acting like I don't want to be bothered with anyone. I tell her I heard them talking about me, and I'm not going to smile and pretend like I don't hear it. She says they're not "afraid" of me, and anything they have to say will be said to my face.

She goes back upstairs, then my brother comes downstairs yelling at the top of his lungs that he was going to confront me about the food situation before, but he was just discussing it with my mom first. I try to explain my side of the story, but he is too busy over-talking me to hear anything I say. My mom and my sister come downstairs, and this is when the three of them decide to "go in" on me about how selfish I am, how I jump to conclusions about everything, and how I have been bitter ever since I got back from Atlanta. My mom claims that she and I used to be close, but we've grown apart due to me being "tainted by the world" and forgetting about Jesus. She reminds me that she told me I shouldn't come home back when I was miserable in Atlanta, and tells me that she didn't want me to come back. I tell her I didn't want to come back either. She says my other problem is that I want to come and go without anyone saying anything to me, and that's not going to happen as long as I'm in her house. She then says I should start looking for an apartment.

I'm all for that. Problem is.....I have no fucking money! Currently, I have $65 in my checking account. I went to look at an apartment today and the application fee alone is $40. Plus a $200 deposit, and first month's rent is $490, but they take $250 off for the first month. It's a good deal, but I'm worried that I won't get approved with my credit. And the job I have now only pays $8.50 an hour, which barely covers my current bills. FML.

I feel so alone right now. This whole situation makes me laugh (in a totally sarcastic, want-to-shoot-myself-in-the-face kind of way) because a couple weeks ago I told my mom that I think I need a therapist. After getting a price quote over the phone from a psychologist that charges $140 per session, I decided that won't be happening right now. My mom offered herself as a possible source, since she has her Bachelor's in Psychology. She promised that she would do her best to be "objective." Sure. How the hell am I going to talk about the problems I have with her...with her??? That makes no sense, no matter how objective she tries to be.

Ugh. This is a hot mess, if I do say so myself. I usually have all the answers, but I'm at a loss right now.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Teen Mom.

I'm not much of a TV watcher. As I'm sure most of you would agree, there isn't much substance on TV today. I used to be a reality TV junkie, but even that has gotten old...although I still love me some "Bad Girls Club." Anyway, sometimes I get sucked into watching some poorly scripted "reality" show that makes me lose just a little bit more faith in humanity, and today was no exception.

After watching the corny acting on "Parental Control," I tuned in to MTV's "Teen Mom." As a side note, I know this is old, but am I the only one still a bit jaded over the fact that MTV plays close to zero music videos nowadays? I feel like they could at least have the decency to change the network name to "Fake Reality Television" or something. But I digress. So I'm watching this show, and these girls are so simple-minded they make me want to get MY tubes tied. Listening to them speak and interact with their parents, boyfriends, and children is so painful. One girl sent a text to her baby's father to ask if he would start paying child support. *Hangs head in disbelief*

I'm all for texting and using technology as a resource and what not, but wouldn't the issue of financial support for your child require a face-to-face interaction? This is yet another time where I feel like I might as well be using a cane because I feel so old for thinking these young whipper-snappers just don't have any sense.

My main issue with the girls on the show is that they seem to have had no concept of what having a baby would be like. It's as if they didn't even know where babies came from until they were in labor. Every girl starts the show off with the monologue that was obviously provided by an MTV producer and does her required mono-syllabic Teleprompter reading: "I had no idea how hard it would be to take care of a child. Being a mom at my age is hard."

No shit Sherlock! I'm sorry that you took naps during Sex Ed, or that your parents never told you about the birds and the bees, but having a baby should be a crash course in parenthood. Little Billy is here now, and there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Gasping at the cost of diapers and baby food is irrelevant at this point. I don't look down on people who had kids as a teenager, but my beef is with the ones who play the victim when they get pregnant. Unless your boyfriend slipped and fell into your vagina one day, I can't feel any sympathy for you. Life may be harder for you now, but not because of something that you had no control over. What's really sad is when people don't learn their lesson the first time. One of the girls thinks she may be pregnant again.


Monday, July 19, 2010

I Feel All Loved and Shit.

So......Dabossbitch tagged me with the "Versatile Blogger Award" and I'm supposed to list 7 random facts about myself, then tag 7 other bloggers (I think?). Anyway, here goes:

1. I hate insects. Spiders, ants, roaches, flies, mosquitoes, you name it, I hate it. Just typing those words made me itch. *Shudders*

2. I think I "talk" more in my blog posts than I do in a whole week in real life.

3. People have told me that I remind them of the cartoon character Daria. I still haven't figured out if that's a good or bad thing.

4. I once used to kick it all the time with a girl who looks and acts almost exactly the same as Natalie Nunn from "The Bad Girls Club." Needless to say, we're no longer friends.

5. I have an impeccable memory. I can remember conversations, places, and people from years and years ago. It's a good thing, but it can also be bad, because a good memory also means that I hold grudges like no one's business.

6. My favorite color is pink. Can't you tell? :)

7. I used to have Facebook and Myspace, but I deleted them after I left Atlanta because I was tired of only getting notifications from comments on other people's photos and spam. I've contemplated signing up on Twitter, but I'm still on the fence about it.

Here are my tag-ees:

Alee (even though she already got tagged lol)

Umm.....well it's not 7, but I'm lazy so.......yeah.

Dress Code.

You know it's a sad day when "business casual" at the office looks more like "hoodrat mall chic." I might sound like a "hater," but I don't care. Miniskirts with leggings = no-no. This is my rant for the day. I'll blame it on the PMS.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Double Standards.

Last week, my stepdad's cousin passed away. The funeral was this past Thursday, and I couldn't attend because I was at work. I thought I would be free from having to visit with the family, but no such luck. When I got home, my mom informed me that my aunts and cousins wanted to see "the kids" (me and my siblings). My brother was feeling ill, but my sister and I were forced to go.

After walking inside my great-aunt's apartment and saying our hellos, we sat on the sofa and this is when the buffoonery began. A cousin of ours who is probably around our parents' age (and whom I had never met until that day), randomly decided to start an inebriated rant about kids these days and how they have too much access to sexual content online and on TV. He went on and on about how "all you see these days on TV is titties," and how MySpace and Facebook are the devil.

He then targeted me and my sister as the audience for his speech, and told us to stay lady-like and not let these boys fool us into doing anything silly. He spoke of his fifteen-year-old daughter and how he has to keep his shotgun handy when she introduces him to a new boyfriend. According to our cousin, girls need to keep up their standards, and focus on getting an education and pursuing a successful career, rather than focusing on boys. I patiently waited for him to contradict himself, and he didn't disappoint. Only moments later, he said, "Now if my son got 10 or 15 girls he messing with, I'ma say, 'That's my boy!' Until they get pregnant......then you on your own."

*Blank stare*

I really get tired of older folks acting like online social networking and hip-hop music is the root of all evil. If I'm not mistaken, teenage girls got knocked up back in the day too. Maybe not as frequently as they do today, but it still happened. Sexual innuendos were also made in music of decades past, but no one blamed Rick James or Barry White for the shortcomings of their generation. I personally don't feel that the media should be pointed to as the sole cause of why today's wayward youth are so......wayward.

In my opinion, the biggest reason most kids are so messed up is because of ignorant people like my cousin, who don't even know they're ignorant. He's not the first man to bring up that bullshit double standard of "girls have to keep themselves pure, but boys can fuck whomever they want," and I'm sure he won't be the last. This way of thinking seems to be embedded into society's psyche. Guys think nothing of having a serious girlfriend, while "talking" to numerous other females. I heard a co-worker the other day openly discussing how he tells girls that he doesn't mind "kicking it" with them, but he already has a girlfriend that he doesn't plan on breaking up with. I'm willing to bet all my gas money that none of those girls had a problem with simply "kicking it" with him either.

Which brings me to my next point. If you really stop and think about it, the double standard for men and women doesn't even make sense. In the case of my cousin, where is his son going to get these 10 or 15 girls if all the girls in the world were to keep themselves lady-like? It's impossible. Somebody's going to have to lower their standards in order for the boys to get their pimping on. I think most people just hope that it's another parents' daughter and not theirs.

I know, I know. "It might be wrong, but that's just the way it is." That's not good enough for me. Slavery was "just the way it was" at one point in time too; if everyone had just accepted that way of thinking, we'd still be toiling away in corn fields, correct? I will never understand how people can rationalize that a boy can stick his d*ck in everything that's not moving, but a girl better keep her legs closed for as long as possible. What will the reward be for the girl then? To grow up and marry that same boy, so she can constantly be confronted by all the other girls that he "kicked it" with back in the day? To be compared to all the "freaks" her man has been with, and made to feel that she's doing something wrong because she hasn't had the same experience?

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I feel like there is no solution to this problem. People like my cousin will pass their way of thinking down to my generation, who will pass it on to their kids, and so on and so on. This is reason #546,280 that I'm not sure if I want to have kids, because I would hate to subject them to the ass-backwards standards that the world has.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

What to Splurge On?

I got MONEY! Not really, but more than what I usually have. I am going to save some (don't wanna be a hypocrite lol), but it's been a long minute since I spent money on anything for myself that wasn't bill-related. A few things I'm thinking of:

*A new handbag. My mom told me the other day that my pink Victoria's Secret tote is "ugly." The nerve! Anyway, I have been carrying that thing around forever, so maybe it's time to give it a rest.

*A new pair of shoes. I am a shoe whore--at least I was until the recession hit. My shoe fetish had to take a backseat to more important things, like food, but it would be nice to cop a pair of sexy heels for old times' sake.

*The Boondocks Season 1 & 2 DVDs. Ever since I watched the Tyler Perry episode, I've been hooked. That show is hilarious.

*Manicure, pedicure, eyebrows, hair. I feel ashamed for neglecting all of these things for so long.

There Goes My Baby..........

........Well, it's not gone yet, but I am considering getting rid of my Blackberry. Not because I don't love it, but I haven't been using it nearly as much as I feel like I should be. When I got my first one last year, I was getting texts and e-mails all day, every day. Then I lost that one, and I had to use my sister's archaic cell phone with the little antenna until I had enough money to get a new one.

Since I've had the new one, there hasn't been nearly as much activity on my phone. That could have something to do with the fact that I cut off contact with just about everyone I knew in Atlanta and my hometown, and my social life is now non-existent (hence the blog posting on a Saturday). I've never been one to "front" or put on as if I'm more important than I really am, so I'm wondering what the point of having a Blackberry is if I only use it to web-surf and check my Blogger profile while I'm bored at work.

The only thing is, I don't know what kind of phone I should get if I do decide to get rid of it. The only reason I even signed up with Verizon in the first place is because I wanted the Blackberry. All of the other Verizon phones are ugly to me. You can call me superficial if you want, but I like pretty phones. Maybe I should just go all the way retro and give up on cell phones completely. It would save me a good 70 bucks a month.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Am I The Only One NOT Surprised?

For the past few days, the entertainment world has been abuzz with news of The Dream and Christina Milian's separation--which was only revealed by The Dream after scandalous pictures of he and another woman began circulating on the Internet. Of course, everyone went in on just about everything possible: the less-than-appealing body shapes of The Dream and his mistress, the fact that he and Christina have a newborn baby, the fact that their marriage is less than a year old, etc.

This is the latest in what seems to be a never-ending parade of failed celebrity marriages, and for some reason, people have taken this as the opportunity to speculate on why relationships in the Black community are seemingly getting worse every day. I heard a discussion on the Rickey Smiley Morning show that used the recent situation with C. Milli and The Dream to ask listeners if there are any Black couples that are still together. Other celebrities have even given their reactions about it.

Here's my issue with this whole The Dream/Christina Milian fiasco: When did they become the example of a solid Black marriage? As I said earlier, they haven't even been married for a year. They're B-list (probably C-list, but I'm trying to be nice here) R&B artists. Folks are acting like Michelle and Barack just announced their separation. I'd probably even feel some kind of way if I heard of Jada and Will Smith breaking up. But The Dream? Who is he? Yeah, he's produced a few hits, but really, who is he? Christina Milian? Yes, she's pretty, but like Cassie, being pretty won't get you a meaningful singing career.

I don't know; something about their relationship has been weird from the start to me. Up until last year, I barely ever saw any photos of The Dream. Then all of a sudden, he and Christina are popping up everywhere in Hollywood, and the paparazzi always just so happen to be there to catch the two of them together. She has dyed her hair platinum blonde, and appears to be trying to establish herself as a fashion maven. I always thought of them as the bootleg version of Kanye and Amber Rose. Anyway. They claim that they are "just friends," then bam! They're getting married. Then bam! They're having a baby. Then.....Christina has the baby, dyes her hair dark again, and ditches all the haute couture. All those "candid" paparazzi shots become non-existent, and she is rarely ever seen with her hubby. Meanwhile, The Dream is being interviewed left and right, and everyone wants to know about his wife and new baby. He gives vague, half-ass answers as if he is being questioned about people that he's never met, and is also seen spending quality time with different women at clubs.

Now this. I feel like it was bound to happen sooner or later. Some have accused Christina of "fucking for tracks." I'm not sure how true that is, especially since she never even attempted to release a single when she was living it up with The Dream last year. Others think the marriage, baby, etc. were all a cover-up because The Dream is gay. Hmmm.....I really can't rule that one out.

Another possibility is that The Dream is just a big attention whore. I noticed how he appeared to be staring straight at the camera when he was "caught" frolicking on the beach with his side piece. Who does that? Especially if they are trying to keep their separation on the low? This, paired with his disrespectful Aaliyah cover, egotistic interviews, public diva fits, and lackluster radio singles, is all the more reason that The Dream gets a perpetual "Prince Side Eye" from me. No matter how I look at it, he is most certainly NOT someone that I look to as an example of how to have a successful Black marriage.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


I want my own place. Period. I don't know where, I don't know how, but I have to have my own space. Staying with Mom and Dad is just not acceptable anymore. Just last week there was an altercation with my stepdad because he was pissed that I "move his papers" out of the way whenever I put my laptop at his desk. Never mind that I can count on one hand how many times I have seen him use that desk since I have been back home for the past two months.

Now I have no desire to speak to him at all. We never talk anyway, but I don't even want to see his face, hear his voice, anything. My mom says he was wrong for jumping on me about something so trivial, yet I am still being scolded for not respecting and "honoring" him. She told me today that she thinks I take out my frustrations with my biological father on my stepdad. I want to tell her, "No Mom, I just really don't like him." He reminds me a lot of my ex-roommate. They can go for days without speaking to you, but the moment you impose on "their stuff," they turn into raging psychopaths. I don't have time for that shit. The economy is still fucked up. There's an oil spill to think about. Conditions are still not up to par in Haiti. In other words, there's a lot more to get angry about in the world besides some damn papers.

So now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells so he won't blow up about something stupid again. This seems to be the reoccuring theme no matter where I live. All because this is "his house" and he pays the bills. God please don't let me be like that when (and if) I have kids. I've had thoughts that if my mom were the first to pass away, I would never have any reason to speak to him again. That's sad. But it's how I feel. Can't tell Mom that. She would have a fit. She wants us to get along, but we never have, and since we're both stubborn as hell, we probably never will.

Friday, July 9, 2010


I will be the first to admit that I have had my fair share of splurging when I should have been saving. I got my first job when I was 17 and even though I was making minimum wage working four days a week, I thought I was balling. At the time, I was obsessed with Bebe and Juicy Couture, and that's what all of my paychecks went towards. Those were the days. Then of course, I thought it would be cool to get a couple credit cards, you know, just to buy a little something when my paychecks weren't fat enough. Fast forward to now, and I want to go back in time and pimp slap my 17-year-old self for being so frivolous with money.

Having said that, I've been really irked for the past week or so by seeing and hearing black women discuss their spending habits. I know black women aren't the only ones who go "tear up the mall," but I can't really speak for any other race or gender on this topic. Maybe it's just me, but for some reason chicks who are always crying about being "broke" are the same ones toting around Louis Vuitton bags and spending money to get ready for the club every weekend. Being the "baddest" chick in the room seems to have taken precedence over opening a savings account. "Stuntin' on hoes" is preferred over "stuntin'" on that past due rent.

I know a girl that has complained numerous times about the fact that she doesn't have A/C in her car (and anyone who has experienced the St. Louis humidity knows what a problem that is), yet she always comes to work with a fresh weave, false eyelashes, pedicure, etc. Yeah she looks cute, but I find it hard to respect someone who chooses the instant gratification of a new hairstyle over the long-term gratification of ensuring that that weave doesn't get "sweated out" because she's driving around in a hot-ass car. Another boasted about how her whole check was going to be spent at the mall, then told her sob story a few days later that she only had $13 to her name until the next paycheck. I can't wrap my mind around it. I know we all get excited over the idea of having money in our pockets, but once you hit your mid-20s, shouldn't there be some thought about planning for the future? How are you ever going to fix that raggedy car, or move out on your own, if you can't even put $20 aside each week when you get paid?

I probably sound like an old woman chastising these young'ns about how they spend their money, but it's actually sad to me. Finances seem to be one of the many issues that black women struggle with. Every time I look around, there are studies on how black women are the biggest consumers of clothing, makeup, and other luxury items, but the consumerism seems to be taking a hit on other financial areas of our lives, like debt and having little to no savings. As much as black people (and black women in particular) annoy me, I want to see us doing well, and having the ability to finance all the curve balls that life throws, is a part of doing well. When and if I have kids, they're going to have a savings account whether they like it or not.

I love shopping just as much as the next girl. Getting a pedicure is one of my favorite things to do, but until I get these bills under control, all that "balling" I did back in the day will have to wait.

P.S. I wanted to post a pic, but my computer is giving me issues and I'm sleepy as hell. I'll add one tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

This Ain't No Beef Man.

I'm neglecting this blog something terrible right now. I want to write, but there just aren't enough hours in a day, and I can (almost) never write a short post. If I could get paid for blogging, I think I could die a happy woman. But that takes time, effort, and patience, and I have little of any of those. One day, one day.

I know the photo above may seem random as hell, but it always manages to give me a laugh, which I really need right now. It also serves as a reminder for a future post that I want to write. Niggas stay beefing on some petty shit, and yet always seem to pinpoint someone else as the reason why they're getting bent out of shape. Okay, I said I wouldn't go there right now. Off to bed I go.

*Edited to add:
For old time's sake, here's the video.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Peer Pressure.

First things first. Today is PAYDAY! It's definitely a nice reward because the past three weeks of waking up at 5am every day have been killing me. One of the guys in my class didn't get his paycheck today for some reason. How fucked up is that? I'm just glad it was him and not one of the hoodrats, because y'all already know they would have acted a straight FOOL if their money wasn't there today.

However, there always seems to be some petty drama that comes about. Last Friday, Hoodrat #1 found out that another training class had voted to leave work at 2pm instead of their usual time of 3pm. She pleaded with our trainer to let us leave early as well, but the trainer told her that we would only be allowed to leave if everyone unanimously voted for it. If even one person wanted to stay until 3, everyone had to stay. There were a few people who said that they wanted their hours and voted to stay for our whole shift. Over the next week or so, I overheard the Hoodrat Twins saying things like, "Okay, we had to stay til 3 last Friday, but on payday we all gon' vote to leave at 2, 'cuz I'ma be ready to cash my check!"

Now let me say this before I go on. I hate working just as much as the next person, but I love money. My love for money is probably unhealthy, but I love it just the same, and I have no problem with working for it. I also need the money. If I had things my way, I most definitely wouldn't be getting up at the crack of dawn every day to go work at a damn call center. With that being said, as much as I loathe this new job, I'm doing what I have to do to pay my (endless) bills. I've accepted the fact that a million dollars is not going to fall from the sky anytime soon, so until it does, I have to work. Leaving work early and not getting paid for it is not going to help my situation.

So the time comes where everyone in class has to vote to stay or leave early. Our options are to leave at 2:00, 2:30, or 3:00. If anyone wants to leave early, it's me. I'm exhausted and burned out from a week of hoodratted-ness, sleep deprivation, and boredom. I'm ready to get started on my three-day weekend (even though I don't have shit to do), and forget that these people exist for that short period of time. As everyone is voting though, of course the Hoodrat Twins are cutting up in the back of the room. "Vote for 2:00, people!" "Remember we talked about this all week, y'all know what to do!" "I got shit to do, I'm trying to get up outta here!" "My credit union closes at 3, I gotta get this money!"

There must be some sort of switch in my brain that instinctively allows me to do the complete OPPOSITE of whatever someone tells me I HAVE to do. My thought process is that I could honestly give a damn what time your credit union closes, or what plans you made when you know that you work until 3pm. Just because you are loud and obnoxious, and have intimidated everyone else in our class to do what you say, doesn't mean I will. So I vote to stay until 2:30. When our trainer announces what time we will be leaving, all hell breaks loose. The hoodrats ask around the whole room to find out who voted to stay until 2:30, as if they're trying to find the person that stole their paycheck. After a process of elimination, Hoodrat #1 looks at me and exclaims, "You voted for 2:30, didn't you!?" I look at her and simply reply, "It's called SILENT voting for a reason."

Of course, hoodrats don't understand the dynamics of voting, so they continue to proclaim me as the awful person who wants to stay at work for an extra half hour. As time goes by, I hear comments made that whomever voted to stay until 2:30 is "ignorant" and "trying to be uppity on a Friday," whatever the hell that means. I can't believe these chicks are really getting heated over having to leave work half an hour later, although it is technically half an hour EARLIER than our regularly scheduled time. I'm beginning to feel a bit uneasy. I've overheard the hoodrats swapping stories about getting into fights over bullshit, and I'm not in the mood to get jumped after work. It's really not that deep. I'm not necessarily afraid of them, but I'm not stupid. I don't want to be the latest example of "When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong." I've seen enough episodes of Jerry Springer to know that I should choose my battles wisely. This situation has made me all the more anxious to get the fuck out of this hell hole, and I admit to my trainer that I was the 2:30 voter, and ask if we can leave at 2:00 instead. She is waiting on someone in our class to finish an assessment, so she says she'll let me know.

I come back from the bathroom later, and the trainer writes on the board that we have to vote again whether to leave at 2:15 or 2:30. I quickly write 2:15 on a piece of paper and hand it in, while the hoodrats plead again for everyone to vote for the earlier time. It's a unanimous vote this time, and I hightail it out of there at 2:15 on the dot.

This is a prime example of why I hate "team" shit. I'm a firm believer in people being free to choose what they want to do without being bullied for it. At my last job, there was none of this group voting bullshit. My supervisor simply asked everyone around the office if they wanted to stay at work later; the people that wanted overtime stayed, and the people that didn't went home. Simple. Now I'm getting half the pay and twice the drama over some pseudo-democracy that is really based on who can give the most attitude when they don't get their way.

Why I Am Single.

Miss Jia posted a discussion topic on her blog yesterday asking her readers to speak out on potential reasons for their single-hood. Some of the answers were pretty deep, and more than a few mirrored my own thoughts and feelings about my personal life. There seemed to be a common factor of people fearing rejection and often second-guessing themselves so much that they are usually afraid to pursue a relationship. It's not very often that I hear people admit to having those issues (although I suppose it's easier to admit your flaws in cyberspace than in reality). I commented on the post, and I know this might sound super conceited, but I thought what I had to say was pretty good and somewhat therapeutic, so I'll re-post my comment here:

First, I am picky. As hell. I can get turned off by the simplest thing that a guy does, like if he sends too many text messages or spells "you're" as "your." I'm not looking for perfection, but I must admit that my standards are pretty damn high. I won't even stop walking if a dude hollers to me out on the street because I think that's just rude. Sue me.

I'm very reserved and to myself. I think that may turn guys off, especially since I'm starting to realize that men are more sensitive than women. They need that "go-ahead" to approach, like a smile or eye contact, and I never do any of that. I'm not as confident as I would like to be, but I'm very good at faking it, to the point where I think it comes off as being snobby.

I'm living in the year 2010! I was having a discussion with my mother earlier today, and I don't think she realizes that dating isn't the same as it was "back in the day." Her generation didn't have to worry about being measured up against video vixens and Victoria's Secret models, while also being expected to "have their own" and be independent.

Like others have said, I don't feel like I'm where I want to be in my life right now, and I want to be at the same standards that I'm looking for in a guy. I can't expect him to have a degree, house, stable career, and caring nature if I don't. I can still be very selfish and mean sometimes, and I need to straighten that out on my own before I unleash myself on some poor, unsuspecting man.