Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sometimes I Just Wanna Holler.

I don't even know where to start. Family drama seems to be a never-ending string of bullshit events that always have a common denominator: me being the one at fault.

My mom went out of town for a week-long school function this past week. Whenever my mom leaves the house for long periods of time, there is always bound to be some foolishness going on, and this time was no exception. Just about everyone in the house has an "Every man (or woman) for him/herself" mentality (myself included). However, I am the only one willing to admit my selfish ways, and I seem to get punished for it. My brother and sister are 19 and 17, respectively. When I was 17, I had started my first job, and had learned how to drive. My sister has never had a job, and seems to have no intentions of getting a job. She also doesn't know how to drive, and seems to have no intentions of learning how. She is content with sitting in her room creating animated characters on her computer. My brother does work and goes to school; however, he seems to think that everyone's work and school schedule is less important than his.

It's difficult to have a conversation with him without hearing: "I don't have time to deal with such-and-such, because I go to school full-time AND I work." I usually just blow his remarks off as the ramblings of an immature nineteen-year-old. Not sure why I'm saying all of this; I suppose just to give a little background on what occurred while my mom was out of town.

My mom is the cook of the house; while she's gone, no one cooks anything. We all basically have to fend for ourselves while she's gone, and I take this as the opportunity to get my fast food on. One day I come home from work and almost immediately, my brother comes in the living room complaining about how hungry he is and how there is no food in the house.I tell him I'm starving too, and debate about whether or not we should order Chinese. I don't feel like going anywhere, so I Google some places that might deliver. I ask if everyone is going to chip in and my brother claims that he doesn't have any money. A few moments later, I say something, I don't remember what, and he says that he can fix himself something to eat or buy something. I remind him that he said he doesn't have any money, and he snidely replies, "I don't have to tell you if I have money or not." Then he storms out of the living room. At this point, I say fuck him and go into my sister's room and tell her I'm going to order Chinese so I can find out what she wants. She has her iTunes turned up to the highest volume possible. I ask if she can turn it down for a second. "I can hear you," she says. Okay. Since listening to her music is obviously more important than eating, I leave her be and go get my food. When I come home, my brother's truck is gone and he comes in moments after me with Taco Bell for both of them. That's cool. They're both obviously pissed at me, but I don't care. I don't have time for the bullshit; when I'm ready to eat, I'm ready to eat and I'm not waiting around for someone because they want to listen to a song that they listen to a million times a day.

Fast forward to this weekend. My mom gets home and everything starts off all right. This morning I'm taking a shower, and when I get out I turn the bathroom sink on so I can brush my teeth. My mom walks by the bathroom and asks why I left the water on. I tell her what I was about to do, and she complains that I'm wasting water. It took me maybe 2.5 seconds to get my toothbrush out of the hallway closet and walk back to the bathroom. I'm annoyed that I'm getting chewed out for something so petty, and since I'm horrible at hiding my facial expressions, it shows. As I'm getting dressed downstairs, I hear my mom go into my brother's room and they start talking shit about me. One of the topics of discussion is what happened with the food situation earlier this week. Later my mom comes downstairs to ask me something about the laundry. I'm short with her, and she asks why I'm acting like I don't want to be bothered with anyone. I tell her I heard them talking about me, and I'm not going to smile and pretend like I don't hear it. She says they're not "afraid" of me, and anything they have to say will be said to my face.

She goes back upstairs, then my brother comes downstairs yelling at the top of his lungs that he was going to confront me about the food situation before, but he was just discussing it with my mom first. I try to explain my side of the story, but he is too busy over-talking me to hear anything I say. My mom and my sister come downstairs, and this is when the three of them decide to "go in" on me about how selfish I am, how I jump to conclusions about everything, and how I have been bitter ever since I got back from Atlanta. My mom claims that she and I used to be close, but we've grown apart due to me being "tainted by the world" and forgetting about Jesus. She reminds me that she told me I shouldn't come home back when I was miserable in Atlanta, and tells me that she didn't want me to come back. I tell her I didn't want to come back either. She says my other problem is that I want to come and go without anyone saying anything to me, and that's not going to happen as long as I'm in her house. She then says I should start looking for an apartment.

I'm all for that. Problem is.....I have no fucking money! Currently, I have $65 in my checking account. I went to look at an apartment today and the application fee alone is $40. Plus a $200 deposit, and first month's rent is $490, but they take $250 off for the first month. It's a good deal, but I'm worried that I won't get approved with my credit. And the job I have now only pays $8.50 an hour, which barely covers my current bills. FML.

I feel so alone right now. This whole situation makes me laugh (in a totally sarcastic, want-to-shoot-myself-in-the-face kind of way) because a couple weeks ago I told my mom that I think I need a therapist. After getting a price quote over the phone from a psychologist that charges $140 per session, I decided that won't be happening right now. My mom offered herself as a possible source, since she has her Bachelor's in Psychology. She promised that she would do her best to be "objective." Sure. How the hell am I going to talk about the problems I have with her...with her??? That makes no sense, no matter how objective she tries to be.

Ugh. This is a hot mess, if I do say so myself. I usually have all the answers, but I'm at a loss right now.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you need to save up and/or find a roomate. Are there any people you know who might be in a similar situation or looking to move out? When I was 18, my best friend from high school invited me to move into her apartment with her (and her roomate at that time) Even though it was only a two bedroom she shared her bedroom and bathroom with me. Meanwhile, I got a job and payed 1/3 the rent. When the lease was up, we upgraded to a 3 bedroom. I don't know why you would care about any of this, I was just sharing my story. lol

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

Lol, not a problem, all comments/advice are welcome. But no, I don't know anyone that I could room with. I really don't want a roommate because that was the whole reason I moved back home. At this point, I know I can't be choosy, but a roommate is not even an option. My social circle in St. Louis is pretty much non-existent. I have a couple friends in Atlanta who are moving into an apt in September, but I don't know if it would make sense to move all the way back there?

☻TABOO♥ said...

Wow... you have been going through alot. My advice would be to pray and believe that things will change. When you're in the midst of the problem it seems hopeless and stupid to even think about prayer but I have been at the lowest point ever and my faith in God helped me. Do u have health insurance? I had Medicaid in Fl and it covered mental health services. I needed a counselor too... ure not alone. :)
Just know that everything we go through in this life is to help us or help those around us. You are obviously a very strong person because this story didnt end in u being arrested lol Just keep on keepin on and soon enough God will bless you with a better job, a lace to call ur own, and your family will be kissing ur ass. lol