Monday, August 23, 2010

I Be On My Emo Shit.

I feel like I'm in a time warp. That's what my Facebook status says.....yes, I got back on Facebook. Don't ask why; I think it was more out of boredom than anything else. Anyway, back to the time warp thing.

It seems like not much has changed in my life for the past several years. Little things have changed: I got a haircut, moved around a bit, made some new friends, dumped the new friends, but there hasn't been anything MAJOR. Does that make any sense? When I think about it, nothing major has happened in my life period. That's kind of depressing. I feel like something needs to happen soon, or I'm going to lose my mind. I need to have a baby, get married, win the lottery, something. This steady flow of ho-hum everyday life is not cutting it. I hate the fact that I wake up every morning, shower, get dressed, drive 40 minutes to work, fight the urge to gouge my eyeballs out for 8 1/2 hours, drive 40 minutes back home, search for food, go to bed, wake up, and do it all over again. How do people do that shit for 20+ years? I read those articles that say life expectancy for people in my generation is in the 90s. I can't imagine life being like this for the next 70 years. That just can't be right.

I feel like everyone and everything around me is changing, but I'm stuck. I know I'm saying "I feel" and "it seems" a lot in this post, but bear with me. One of my friends graduated, another is pregnant. Maybe that says something about me. I can already hear what some people that I know would say if I told them all this: "You can't look at other people and what they're doing. You have to look at yourself." To those people I would like to say.....fuck off. I'm not in the mood for it today. Even though they are probably right. But how does one go about "changing" their own life? How do you wake up one morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say: "Self, today YOU are going to change YOUR own life!"? The day I do that I may need to have myself committed.

Life feels like one long-ass financial aid line for me right now. I'm always waiting. Just waiting. Waiting for what exactly? I have no idea. Whatever I'm waiting for needs to hurry up and happen already because I don't think I can take it anymore.


Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, you are a lot more normal than you think. A lot of people go through this. It's just a strange place in your life where you're waiting for the next big thing to happen. If life continue to carry on this way, bust out a notepad and a pen and take matters into your own hands. I'm constantly writing up little business plans of things I want to accpmplish & how I'm going to make it happen.

☻TABOO♥ said...

Ditto this entire post! I have children (2) and a husband and I still feel like Im waiting on the MAJOR step up. Things are definitely NOT smooth sailing simply because I have done what most my age havent (marriage AND kids). Financially I am in the biggest rut ever imaginable and everything else is following suit.

My advice: I dont have any. If I did, I'd tell myself, try it out for myself, then share with u the secrets of being successful and happy. Unfortunately, I am not either. If you find some hidden recipie for the total opposite of what we both are experiencing, please hit me up and SHARE THE DETAILS.

Good luck hun. Im here if you EVER need to talk.

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

@Alee, writing up a plan seems like something I would benefit from. I'm a very visual person, so having a list of things in front of me will probably help light a fire under me (or at least make me feel guilty if I don't do any of the things on my list).

@Taboo you're such a sweetheart! As you've read in this post, I know how it feels to be stuck financially, emotionally, physically, and any other way you can think of. I will be sure to let you know if I figure out "the secret." :)

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

Get out of my brain! The majority of my friends are married, engaged, and have kids. They are working on second degrees, buying houses and most times I think geesh.....when will something major erupt in my life. I feel like I'm at a standstill. What am I doing to get out of my feelings? Well I'm going to apply to graduate school and pray I get in so I'll have something new to focus on for the next 2 years. Have you thought about creating a vision board? I started working on one last year and then never finished it...maybe I need to pull it back out so I can SEE the goals therefore making them more attainable.

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

@Starrla yay for grad school! I ain't mad at you. I know what you mean about needing to see your goals. For some reason they feel more "real" when you have them laid out on paper. I'll definitely be working on a plan of my own so I can get out of this rut.