Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Grudge.

No, I'm not talking about the movie (even though that movie scared the shit out of me....but that's another blog post). I'm talking about the treatment I have been known to give over the years to anyone that I feel has slighted me. At the age of 23, I have perfected the art of cutting off all possible contact with another human being without giving it any thought. I am familiar with the term "don't burn your bridges" but I don't burn bridges; I set up a fireworks display then watch the bridge explode.

I was recently confronted with my grudge-holding habit when I got a text from one of my old roommates. After I quietly packed all of my shit and left Atlanta without leaving so much as a good-bye note, I deleted every Facebook contact associated with my former roommates, and blocked their numbers from my phone. Or at least I thought I did, until I got that text the other day. Basically my old roomie expressed his happiness that I am indeed still alive, and asked if we could "move past" what happened. I told him it's been so long that I'm not AS upset about it, and he mentioned that he was worried I would still be pissed because he knows how I can hold a grudge.

Maybe I only think this way because it's how I am, but I personally feel that it's better to hold a grudge (just a little one) rather than always "forgiving and forgetting" and being stepped on by the same people over and over again. It probably sounds pessimistic, but people don't change. Not in my experience. They say that they do, and you reunite and things are okay for a while, and before you know it, you're dealing with the same shit.

Even with my ex-roommate.....I just keep wondering what I'm supposed to do from this point? I can't bring myself to think of him as a "friend" but I don't know what else to call him. He asked if I was still in Atlanta and I told him I was back home, but what if I wasn't? Would I be holding a grudge if I still didn't want to hang out with him, or my other ex-roommates? Am I supposed to text him every now and again? Un-block him from Facebook? I guess I shouldn't think about it that deeply since I live in another state, but for some reason I am.

I suppose holding a grudge and eliminating people from my life is my defense mechanism. I can't get hurt if I never speak to them again. Yeah, it's lonely most of the time sometimes, but I think it's safe to say that there's no way I can slight or betray myself.


Sha Boogie said...

I can dig it. I do the exact same thing. Grudge holder to the extreme! I'd rather cut someone off than confront them - its easier to me, I guess #kanyeshrug. But, now I'm realizing it also makes me carry around a lot of emotional baggage :((

Kam said...

oh em gee, cant believe i found ur blog!! lol i do the exact same thing, but i dont see it as grudge holding, i see it as being smart. When I moved i didnt even bother tellin ppl where i'd gone just blocked and ignored haha x

Anonymous said...

If the person really f*cked up, yes I will hold a grudge. Otherwise I'll forgive them and move on. If I see the person on the street I'll still smile or speak, but once my trust is broken that's as far as it goes.

Poppy said...

I dont think you have to hold a grudge because that means never letting the issue go & thats just damaging to your own growth process. You can forgive but never forget. It's definitely not necessary to "re-friend" him or anyone you don't want in your life. Just dont hold onto the anger &'s really bad for your health. Good luck with everything!