I was recently confronted with my grudge-holding habit when I got a text from one of my old roommates. After I quietly packed all of my shit and left Atlanta without leaving so much as a good-bye note, I deleted every Facebook contact associated with my former roommates, and blocked their numbers from my phone. Or at least I thought I did, until I got that text the other day. Basically my old roomie expressed his happiness that I am indeed still alive, and asked if we could "move past" what happened. I told him it's been so long that I'm not AS upset about it, and he mentioned that he was worried I would still be pissed because he knows how I can hold a grudge.
Maybe I only think this way because it's how I am, but I personally feel that it's better to hold a grudge (just a little one) rather than always "forgiving and forgetting" and being stepped on by the same people over and over again. It probably sounds pessimistic, but people don't change. Not in my experience. They say that they do, and you reunite and things are okay for a while, and before you know it, you're dealing with the same shit.
Even with my ex-roommate.....I just keep wondering what I'm supposed to do from this point? I can't bring myself to think of him as a "friend" but I don't know what else to call him. He asked if I was still in Atlanta and I told him I was back home, but what if I wasn't? Would I be holding a grudge if I still didn't want to hang out with him, or my other ex-roommates? Am I supposed to text him every now and again? Un-block him from Facebook? I guess I shouldn't think about it that deeply since I live in another state, but for some reason I am.
I suppose holding a grudge and eliminating people from my life is my defense mechanism. I can't get hurt if I never speak to them again. Yeah, it's lonely