Sunday, February 13, 2011

It's Me Again.

Yes, it's been a minute since I posted anything. I would apologize but........why? I've been working like a modern day slave, and besides that, I just haven't been motivated to write anything lately. That's pretty fucked up, considering the fact that writing is (or was?) my passion.

It's about that time for another emo post, so here we go. I'm pretty sure that I am currently in the middle of a quarter-life crisis. Or maybe a pre-quarter-life crisis? I dunno...but whatever it is, that's what I'm in the middle of. It's kind of like an out-of-body experience, where the "real" me is watching a shell of myself living mundane day-to-day life. This shell only seems to be capable of doing things it's obligated to do, rather than things that it wants to do. The shell goes to work every day and puts up with bullshit from rude, selfish, petty customers not because the shell wants to, but because the shell knows that if it doesn't, bills will pile up, and Sallie Mae, Commerce Bank, Mohela, and everyone else will have the shell on speed dial to find out where their money is. In between work, the shell buys groceries and gas, because those items are needed to survive. The shell jogs on the treadmill 2-3 times a week, not because the shell wants to, but because the shell doesn't want to be weak and out of shape for boot camp. In between work, running errands, and working out, the shell tries to get as much sleep as possible, and accompanies family members to the birthday parties of family friends. Not because the shell wants to, but because the shell doesn't want to be seen as a non-socializing bitch.

So this is it, I guess. At the age of 23, I feel like I'm in my mid-40s. I don't know when--or if--it will get better. I've made my decision to go to the military and if that goes as planned, I'm pretty sure I'll be going through the same cycle of not doing what I want to do, but doing what I'm obligated to do. The Navy will decide where I'm stationed, whether I can switch my job, whether I can live on my own or not, blah, blah, blah. If I were straight out of high school, maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal, but I've been "on my own" for 5 years, and still have yet to attain the freedom that I so desperately craved as a teenager. I know the benefits of my decision, but I can't ignore the nagging feeling that taking orders from others is just going to stifle the freedom that I want even more.

I've said this several times, but I need a vacation. I don't know where yet, but I have to get out of town. Last year I didn't do shit as far as traveling. I went to Charlotte for my birthday and Atlanta for my friend's birthday and that was it. I've got to do better. One of my friends is currently studying abroad in Paris, and I just found out some of my other friends went to Norway for Christmas and New Year's. Yes, I'm jealous. I need to be doing some shit like that. Even if I can't go out of the country right now, I at least need to get out of St. Louis. I thought about driving to Chicago to visit with my dad and his side of the family since I haven't seen them in years....but the more I think about it, the more I'm like, "" I don't feel like spending my money and gas just to be bombarded with dumb-ass comments like "Girl, you still so skinny!" or "You ain't got a boyfriend?!" I don't have time for the petty shit. I want to enjoy my time off. Hell, I'm even contemplating visiting my "frenemies" from Atlanta.

So....yeah, that's what's going on in my neck of the woods. I'll try to think of some less depressing shit to blog about later.


Anonymous said...

Aww man :(

Try not to worry too much about your current situation. Talk to God about it. It sounds like you'e in one of those awkward in-between phases of your life but the good part about it is that it's TEMPORARY. Things will get better soon enough.

Kam said...

dual lives haha! and omg i was considering goin back home (the home i swore never to return to) out of sheer desperation. (I pray things won't get that bad) Hang tight love! x

DianaBoss said...

UCB. You are about to make a major life change. There are so many emotions that accompany things like this that contribute to your overall feeling of well being. Some surface feeling and some that manifest in the form of this mood that you are in. You will make it through and the time that you send will not only afford you the ability to have your other wants closer to your grasp but t will provide you with a unique experience all your own. From bootcamp to the many places you will travel and see in your time in the military you will gain and grow as a person.

This too shall pass.


UglyCleanBroke87 said...

Awww you guys are so sweet! You always cheer me up on my emo days. :)

Poppy said...

I was going through the same thing last year, I felt like I wasn't living how I wanted to, friends were always asking me to go on vactions but I couldn't because I was broke, I did the same thing everyday & it wasn't anything I wanted to do.

But I took the time to do some soul searching & I find the time to do what I love...even if it's only for 30mins a day. You must make time to do what you love otherwise you will always feel empty. Things will get better for you, just stay positive & don't be so hard on yourself.

You should read "How To Succeed At Being Yourself" By Joyce Myers...It's a lot of God talk but it's a really inspiring book, it's helping me out a lot.