Monday, November 7, 2011

Can't Get Away From It.

Boredom, that is. I have lived in four different cities and I find myself being equally bored as fuck in all four cities. I know that I really only have myself to blame. I tell myself that I will go out and do new things and meet new people....and then I end up kicking it solo all the time anyway. I think I have a fear of rejection. I don't want to invite anyone to hang out only to be disappointed by their flakiness.

I have (had?) one friend here in Norfolk that I went to A school with. We went to Busch Gardens the first weekend I was here and that was fun. Then last weekend we went to Washington, D.C. and Cleveland for her birthday and that was fun too. But this past weekend...I guess she was on some other shit because she's depressed over this dude that's been playing her to the left since she had sex with him. I know it sucks to have a guy you like diss you so I'm not going to bother her, but then of course that leaves me being bored again. And of course I'm too lazy/fearful to try to make any new friends. There's only one other female at my job and I don't feel like I'm at the point where it would be cool for me to suggest hanging out with her. I can't quite put my finger on it. You know how people are friendly to you, but they still give off the vibe that they already have their circle of friends and you're not allowed to be in that circle? Yeah, that's how I feel about her. I'm still being treated like the new kid on the block so that's no fun.

When I first got here, everyone told me I needed to have a car or I would be bored out of my mind. Well, I got a car (that's another post) and I'm still bored. Now I'm just bored with a retarded ass car payment. Sorry, I'm complaining. Let me talk about something good (or kinda good).

My boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time the other day. It was through text, so I don't know if that counts??? And it was something like, "You treat me like a person, and I love you for that." So....yeah. I asked him how long he's been feeling like that and he said ever since I was going to A school in Chicago. Yikes. He's been saying that he wants to make me his wife, and he's talking about moving down to Virginia for us to be together.

On one hand, I wouldn't mind seeing him more often. At the same time, without putting his business on blast, I think there are some things (financially) that he would need to get together before coming here. I'm just now starting to get my shit together and it would be super frustrating to take on even more financial responsibility that I'm not ready for. Also, he hinted that if he moved here, he would want us to live TOGETHER and ummm....I don't know about all that. Call me old-fashioned, but I always had it in my head that I wouldn't live with anyone until we got married. The whole idea of "playing house" doesn't sit well with me. (I hope that doesn't offend anyone; if you live with your significant other that's totally cool, I just don't know if that's the right situation for me.) The idea of getting married scares me too though. When you're younger you always say, "When I get married..." but now that that shit could possibly be right around the corner, I'm freaking out. I don't know how to be anyone's wife! I'm selfish as hell, and sarcastic as hell, and moody as hell, and I never consult with anyone before I make a decision. To have to be somewhat dependent on another person gives me the chills.

As that old cliche goes, only time will tell....


DianaBoss said...

I think you meed to be in NYC.

You know. all of the things you mentioned seemed to sound like you have the right answers to it. You are incredibly intelligent and sensible. I think that you should trust yourself and your judgement. If I'd had the same sense that you do when I was your age I would have been much better off!

DianaBoss said...

that was *need :)

LakiSwirl said...

That last paragraph was ALL ME, girl. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don't think I'm the type to live with someone else. I need my own space. I'm selfish and impulsive and moody and antisocial and allathat. I don't mind dude stayin over every now and again; I mean, it's sweet to wake up next to someone you love. But every day? Every EVERY day?? I don't know if I could do it.

Also, you're smart to be apprehensive about him moving down (and trying to live with you) if he doesn't have his finances in order. It's tough, you know, 'cause you wanna be together, but the whole living together deal sounds too heavy, and there's money issues involved?? I lived with this dude who I loved madly for two years, but I wasn't rollin' and he had some financial issues and I slowly ended up taking it on and it killed us. I won't do it again.

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

@DBB its always been my dream to live in NYC and if I ever get the opportunity to go, I'm all over it. I'm trying to trust my judgment, but sometimes I wonder if I'm being TOO sensible.

@Laki, if I did get into a situation where I had to take on the financial load, I know it would make me resent him...that's why I don't even want to entertain the thought if I feel like he's struggling.

Monique said...

either I haven't reading your post clearly but I have not ever seen you mention a boyfriend. You go girl!

You need to get out more. Go explore on your own. Take yourself out to dinner and the movies and just chill. Head out to VABeach sometimes and walked the strip.

I'm with you on not moving together before marriage. Don't do it. You don't want to regret it later.

Kam said...

I know what you mean about not feeling part of the circle or wanting to suggest hanging out with girls you don't quite know well enough, most of my friends are like that at uni, and I feel even more outcast having these 'half' friends or whatever they are. Patience I guess. Your new bf sounds nice though, good luck with everything! I can't imagine playing house either I just imagine myself asking the guy to leave me alone so I can have more Me Time Xx