Sunday, December 30, 2012

Miss Independent.

For as long as I can remember, I've always had that "I wanna do it myself" attitude. I guess it may be a symptom of the Oldest Child syndrome, or perhaps it could be due to the fact that I got tired of asking other people for help and they, in turn, wound up flaking out on me. Due to my determination to be an independent woman, I badgered my mom about letting me get a permit when I was 16 so I could learn to drive and take myself wherever I needed to go, I got my first job at 17 so I could have my own money, I signed up for loans so I could finance my (short-lived) education at Clark Atlanta University, and I also took it upon myself to pack my whole life into a '92 Buick Skylark and drive the 9 and 1/2 hour drive to Atlanta so I could attend CAU.

At the ripe old age of 25, I think I can safely say that being independent isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Maybe I'm just getting weary, but having to rack my brain to navigate all of life's tricky little curveballs by myself all the time is becoming more and more emotionally and mentally exhausting.

My most recent battle of no longer wanting to be independent has emerged due to my first upcoming deployment. With all the issues that most people would be concerned with (wills, kids, the strain of a deployment on a marriage), my two issues are those that would probably be considered minor and petty: my car and my hair. The latter seems to be taken care of for the moment. I broke down and got the good old "battle braids" because I know that the weather in the Middle East, and my thick, natural hair that I attempt to keep straight so it can fit into a sock bun, will not work. I'm praying to the hair gods that the braids will keep up for a while....not sure if they can last for the projected 11 months I'll be gone though. In that case, I'm praying that they will at least keep up until we pull into a port and I can find a place to tame the beast that grows out of my poor, defenseless scalp.

The car issue has been an ongoing one, and even though deployment is creeping up in a few short weeks, I STILL don't have a solid plan on what I'm going to do with it. Up until about a week ago, I had planned on putting the vehicle in storage and letting my insurance company know so they can reduce the premium for the length of the deployment. I'm with GEICO, so they have a couple storage options where I can either get the premium reduced until I get back and turn in my license plates/registration, or I can pay my usual amount and be reimbursed 70% of the premium upon my return. That all sounds fine and dandy, but the way I've calculated the cost of my bills, if I put my car in storage, with the car note, insurance, AND storage costs, my bills will be just as much as they are now, if not more. I was hoping to cut down on my bills by eliminating my phone bill and all, but if I get rid of my phone and pick up a monthly storage bill that's almost twice as much, that seems a bit counterproductive to me.

Then I talked to my dad, who suggested that I look at actually selling my car; that way I could eliminate the car note, insurance, and of course no storage fee. That sounds good in theory, but my car is brand new, and I still owe quite a bit of cash on it so I'm not sure if selling it at this point is even an option. On top of that, it's my baby! That's the first brand new car I've ever bought (not to mention, on my own...again) and the thought of getting rid of it after just over a year makes me a little ill. Plus, I doubt that I'll be able to find a buyer and get everything turned over within the next two weeks. He also suggested that I have my parents take the car home and keep it there, which I talked to them about. However, my mother doesn't seem to be thrilled about the idea of taking a plane to Norfolk and turning around to make a 16 hour drive back to St. Louis.

I don't have anyone in Virginia that I trust to keep the car for me, so that's a no-go. And this is my dilemma. It's just me....stressing out every day trying to figure out what to do. As melodramatic and psychotic as it sounds, I'm halfway tempted to push the damn car over the nearest cliff and be done with it. The reason I wanted to have my parents take the car was so I could save more money on deployment and start getting ahead financially, but I suppose the powers that be don't want that to happen.

If I weren't independent, it seems like life would be so much easier. I could just kick my feet up and let other people take care of everything while I live fancy-free. This is the path I chose though so I should take it like a (wo)man, huh?

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Just Saying Hello.

I've been on a boat for the last month and a half. The internet service is spotty at best, and I have to share a computer with 10 other people, so it leaves little time for blogging. Does anyone even blog anymore? I'm still trying to catch up with everyone's blogs.

Being out at sea gives you a lot of time to think. It also shows you the people who really care about you, and the ones who could care less. I had my first "heartbreak" if that's what you want to call it, from someone who claimed he couldn't handle me being gone so much. That was definitely a reality check for me, because up until that point I was still trying to convince myself the military was just like any other job. More on that later though.

I was just itching to put up a post. Toodles.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Late Bloomer.

I'm apologizing in advance if this blog is all over the place. My thoughts on this topic are very scrambled, plus I'm blogging from my phone because I STILL haven't gotten a new laptop. In my defense, I'm leaning towards getting a Macbook, and I'm not 100% financially ready to shell out the 2 grand for a computer.

But I digress. On to the topic at hand.

I've been what you could call a "late bloomer" when it comes to sex/relationships. I didn't even have my first real kiss until I was 21. <---------*Insert horrified gasps here* My first serious relationship was at the end of last year, and it feels like it ended just as soon as it began.

I had sex for the first time with my "serious" boyfriend, which I hadn't planned at all. I never officially said that I was going to wait until I got married, but I guess it was kind of an unspoken thing. Plus, I think my mother expected me to wait, because she stayed a virgin until her first marriage. To my knowledge, she's only been with 3 men, two of whom she was/is married to, and she's always quick to point out that the extra guy happened because she "didn't know better."

So....when I told her I had sex with my then-boyfriend, she definitely wasn't thrilled. She didn't freak out like I imagined she would, but she still wasn't happy. She also hinted that the experience should only be a one time thing, and the next time it happened, we should be married. The only thing is....I didn't enjoy it. At all. And if it was going to be like that, I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and deal with.....THAT for the rest of my life.

Then I thought that maybe it just wasn't enjoyable because it was the first time, so we tried it again. I still didn't enjoy it. It was a little better than the first time, but not that much. Looking back, I wonder if that may have played a part in why the relationship fell off. My ex would talk about how amazing it was being intimate with me, but I didn't feel the same.

Since that relationship, I've been with two other guys, but I still haven't enjoyed the experiences. In each situation, I feel like they were all kind of....selfish. Out of the three, I would say my ex did the most as far as attempting to please me, but overall I've felt like an empty vessel for them to get off in (I guess the less bourgeois term would be "cum bucket"). Then I think about how inexperienced I am, and I think maybe it's just me? Maybe I don't know what I want, or need, to be pleased. However, the last two encounters were fling-type situations, so I definitely won't be seeing them again.

One of my questions is: how am I going to know what I like? Maybe I just wasn't compatible with the guys I mentioned....but wouldn't it be kind of weird to go from waiting until marriage, to having sex with a bunch of random guys just to see if they "fit" what I want?

Maybe some of the not so late bloomers can offer me some insight.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Talkin' Crazy.

I kinda miss this girl. I would say I don't know why, but I do. As crazy as she was, even though she almost got me hemmed up....we were cool as hell with each other. She was like, reliable and shit. I could text or call her at any time and she would be down to chill. I didn't have to worry about her taking 5 hours to text me back or acting like she was annoyed that I was contacting her so much. Also, when we hung out, we "got" each other. If someone said or did something weird or funny, all we had to do was look at each other and we knew exactly what the other was thinking.

I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling this way because no one else is really checking for me right now. My cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, etc. are all dry as hell. My own mother isn't even talking to me (don't feel like writing about that right now though). I guess I'm at that "something is better than nothing" point. One crazy friend that gets into drunken fights on the weekend is better than no friends at all.

The thing is, I kinda deleted her on Facebook, and deleted her number from my phone. It's been some months since we talked so it would be super awkward to pop up and go, "Hey girl! I know I deleted you from my life and all, but I had a change of heart. Wanna be friends again?"

I'm too proud for all that. Hopefully this feeling will pass soon.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


I now have 3 years and some change before my time will be up in the military. To say I'm excited would be the understatement of the century. Since I just got advanced to the next rank, some people are trying to persuade me into possibly re-enlisting, but unless I have the biggest change of heart known to mankind, I don't see that happening.

Although 3 years seems like a long time from now, I'm sure it will be here before I know it. That and the fact that I want to have something to look forward to when I get out of the military, has me thinking a lot about what my future plans will be. I'm probably about to regurgitate a lot of information that I've talked about before on this blog, but bear with me.

My "dream" career as a young girl was to be a fashion designer. I kept my face buried in fashion magazines, and I had sketchbooks filled with designs that I hoped to make come to life. I had grand plans of moving to New York and attending the Fashion Institute of Technology by the time I was sixteen. My mother quickly squashed those dreams and told me I wasn't going to New York because she was sure I would be eaten alive by the fast streets of the city. In retrospect, she was probably right, but we'll never know.

Anyway, since New York was out of the question, I set my sights on attending a 4-year university in Columbia, Missouri, that offered a fashion program. However, since it was a private institution, the tuition was pricey and my parents weren't going to take out any loans for me to go (and I had a hard time finding enough scholarship money to foot the bill). With another option knocked off my list, I ended up taking classes at a community college in St. Louis. I was there for about two and a half years, and I graduated with an Associate's degree in Fine Arts. It wasn't fashion, but they had a lot of the basic art classes that *should* have transferred to a 4-year school. While I was at the community college, I heard about an art school in Atlanta called Savannah College of Art and Design, aka SCAD. They had what was rumored to be one of the best fashion programs at a four-year institution, and from my research, it appeared that a lot of their alumni had gone on to be successful entrepreneurs or worked for well-known fashion labels. At this time in my life, Atlanta was appealing to me because it wasn't quite as big as New York, but it still seemed to have the city vibe that I was looking for.

However, SCAD's tuition costs were on the pricey side as well, and around that time, I also had a weird obsession with wanting to be in a predominantly black environment. I had grown up in a mostly all-white neighborhood in the suburbs of St. Louis, so I guess I wanted to be immersed in a crowd of people that looked like me. Because of that, I started making plans to attend Clark Atlanta University, an HBCU in downtown Atlanta. I moved to Atlanta in Fall of 2008 and embarked on what (I thought) was my journey to starting a career in the fashion world. While I was at CAU, the fashion classes that I took were interesting, but I really didn't feel that I was learning any "new" information or being challenged. An assignment we were given in one class was to write a 2-page essay on what we wanted to do in the fashion industry. The whole thing was very "What I Want to be when I Grow Up" and frankly, seemed a bit elementary for a college course, in my opinion. I also began to realize that I didn't really want to be a fashion designer. As a child, I sketched a lot of designs, but never learned the art of sewing. By the time I was in college, I was feeling way too lazy to attempt to learn how to do it. Besides, I have always been a behind-the-scenes personality, so I started thinking that I would be better off exploring fashion journalism. This is when I was first introduced to the world of blogging. A few other students and I started a fashion blog that was supposed to be like a virtual campus newspaper. However, the typical female drama ensued, and the blog was over before it ever got off the ground. I still enjoyed the idea of blogging, which led me to start this one.

Eventually, due to financial issues and general dissatisfaction with the education system at CAU, I stopped attending, and I told myself I would go to another school in Georgia....but that never happened. As a matter of fact, that was in Spring of 2009, and I have yet to step foot into a college classroom since then. As the years have passed by, I've wondered if I should even continue to pursue fashion as a career field at all. Due to an issue I had with an old employer, it piqued my interest in possibly studying law, and being a lawyer that specializes in employment law. On top of that, even though I'm working in the military as an electrician, there are opportunities where I can switch over to working in the legal field and get a degree in paralegal studies, which would go along with the whole lawyer angle.

I don't know though. Something inside of me still has dreams of doing something with fashion. I know it probably sounds silly, but if this were a perfect world, and I didn't have any bills or any responsibilities, I would want to be a professional fashion blogger. I wouldn't even have to get paid for it. I just like doing it. But this isn't a perfect world, and I doubt that I will have completely eliminated all the debt I accumulated over the past few years by the time I'm out of the military.

I guess my tentative plan is to save as much money as I can now so I won't have to work for a while and just go to school full-time. There's a public school in Georgia that has a fashion program, and I believe most of the GI Bill that I will get for college will cover the tuition costs, so I won't have to come out of pocket. After that....I really don't know. Something is better than nothing, right?

Sunday, May 20, 2012

How Do You Know.....

.....If you're really depressed? I always have times when I get down and lonely, but I don't know if it's really a problem or if it's just me being in one of my emo moods.
Me getting down has been going on for some years now though. It seems like it's worse if I'm in a bad situation financially (if I have no job, no car, etc). However, this feeling rears its head even when things seem "ok" to everyone else. I have a stable job, brand new car, an apartment that's paid for, no kids, my bills are paid. But I still just feel...empty. Like I want to cry, but even that won't help.
I always say I'm going to seek counseling, but I end up procrastinating and never getting around to it. I don't have the money to pay for therapy on my own, but I don't want to go through the military for it either. Most of the people I've met in the military strike me as being really careless and messy, and I'm paranoid that my business would get out, and that would only make things worse.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Girl........Have one of These. \_

I don't know if any of you had the opportunity to check out Rihanna's recent performance on Saturday Night Live. If you missed it, you can catch it here.

Before I start, let me say this. I AM a fan of Rihanna's music. I wasn't all that into her when she came out with "Pon de Replay," but I've been rocking out with her since her Good Girl Gone Bad days. She's a beautiful girl, she's sexy, and even when I try to hate some of her songs, most of them end up being some of my favorites, because they're just so damn catchy.

^^^This was a disclaimer for anyone that may think I am bashing her when I make these following comments.

The performance was horrible. I knew it was going to be horrible before I pressed "play," but because I'm a fan, there's always that tiny glimmer of hope inside that says, "Okay, THIS will be the time when she finally nails it!"

But no. Rih's been in the game seven years now and she's still giving me strained ass vocals and amateur dancing. I got chills while she warbled her way through "Birthday Cake" and "Talk that Talk" and I'm not talking about the rejuvenated, I-got-the-Holy-Ghost kind of chills.

What makes her disastrous live performing even worse is the people that comment and make every single excuse known to man. I've heard things like, "Well at least she's trying" and "Maybe she was nervous" and "At least she looked good."

Are you serious? Like I said earlier, Rihanna's been in the music industry for SEVEN years. Count 'em: one, two, three, four, five, six, SEVEN. She's received Grammys, she's had several concert tours. She's not some new buck pushing her first single. When she sang like this during her Music of the Sun days, I could kinda understand. I say "kinda," because if you're calling yourself a singer, then dammit you better sing. But you've dropped six albums and you still sound like a billy goat being strangled? Nah, son. That's unacceptable. I don't give a damn how pretty she looks or if she has performance jitters. Being a music artist is her JOB. If you can't perform, maybe it's time to find a new career path. I mean, if she were a pizza delivery driver and could never deliver orders on time after seven years, do you think Pizza Hut would still keep her inefficient ass? Hell no. So why is it okay for her to suck at her job because she's a celeb with a pretty face?

Another thing that grinds my gears is that for being such a mediocre artist, the girl damn sure is cocky. The shenanigans she gets herself into off stage are more entertaining than what she gives on stage. With her being such a bad performer, I can't co-sign any of it though. Taking racy pics with Snoop Dogg, smoking big ass blunts, showing off "Thug Life" tattoos with your middle finger up.....girl. Fuck me? No, fuck you for putting out a new album every six months and still not being able to carry a tune. Maybe if she spent more time in the studio perfecting her craft instead of trying to be this "bad bitch," we would get better quality performances. The fact that she still hasn't, shows that she truly doesn't give a damn about her fans and because of that, I don't think I'll be spending any more of my money to support her "being pretty" and partying.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Does This Shit Work?

I downloaded the Blogger app. Just seeing if it works. Testing, testing....

Saturday, May 5, 2012

I Can't Believe.........

........It's been more than two months since I posted anything on this blog. SMH at my damn self. That's unacceptable. Writing has always been my first love, and to not write for that long just ain't right. Maybe that's why I've felt so empty for the past couple months.

In my defense, one reason that maybe kinda sorta makes it okay that I haven't posted in so long is because I started "cranking" at the beginning of March. Cranking is something that the Navy puts every E-4 and below sailor through when they get to the ship (well....not EVERY sailor, because I know a few people that managed to weasel their way out of cranking, but that's another story). Basically, when you crank, you work in the ship's galley (or kitchen for civilians) for 3-4 months and "assist" the cooks with cleaning, preparing meals, serving food, etc. I say "assist" because sometimes it feels like we're doing the cooks' jobs FOR them. Oh, and the hours are long. As hell. I work 12-13 hour shifts, and that's on a good day. Then a couple weeks ago, I was picked to work the night shift. Now I go in to work around 6pm and get off around 7am the next morning. Any time in between work is spent sleeping, so that leaves any other activities out. On top of that, I was having some issues with my laptop and getting internet access so.....yeah.

In other news, I broke up with Taz. Again. For real this time. I talked about how I broke things off with him a few months ago, but I started feeling guilty about how abrupt I was and I talked to him and we agreed to give it another shot. However, as the weeks and months went on, I wasn't seeing any progress. He still hadn't gotten a job, but was still making plans to move here to Virginia. Whenever I asked him basic questions like where he was going to live, if he was going to have a car, etc., he would be really nonchalant and claim that he would "figure all that out" when he got here. Apparently, he doesn't like to plan things out too much because when people have things planned out step-by-step, things don't always go as planned and that's when everything gets all fucked up. Okay. I get that, but if you're moving to a completely different state and you don't even know where you're going to LIVE? Nah, I can't co-sign that. Even though he never said it, and even though I told him a while ago that I wasn't planning on shacking up with him, I have a very strong feeling that he was going to try to move in with me. 

The final straw came when my mom's friend (I'll call her Grace) that lives in Virginia told me that she wanted to have a conversation with Taz. I had told her about his plans to move here and since she says that I'm like a daughter to her, she wanted to talk to him and see what his intentions were. I reluctantly agreed, because Grace is just as bad--if not worse than--my mother when it comes to giving folks the third degree. (I guess that's why they're such good friends.) She started off by asking what he did as a career and he told her that he's a "professional photographer." She asked if that was how he paid his bills and he said yes. I knew that to be a lie, because if his photography paid the bills, then why is it that just a few months ago I sent him $50 to pay his phone bill? Okay, moving on. Then she asked if he was in school. He said no, then went on to say that he had taken a "sabbatical." Grace quickly stopped him and asked if he had been getting a check while he was on this so-called sabbatical. He laughed it off and corrected himself, saying that he actually had taken time off because he had problems with asthma and bronchitis. He claimed he had plans to go back (although he was supposed to be back in school this past semester, but that didn't happen for whatever reason). This led Grace to ask where he planned to be a year from now. Taz told her he sees himself being done with school, and working as an art teacher. He added that he directs movies so he plans to have his first film completed by then as well. Then she asked where he sees himself two years from now. His answer was that he doesn't like to think that far ahead. Really? Two years from now is too far ahead? After a little more prodding from Grace, he said that he plans to have two photography studios open. Let me also add that with all his talk of future plans, my name was never mentioned. Yeah.

Naturally, my mom's friend noticed this, so she asked what his plans were for me, since he was planning to move to Virginia. He hesitated for a long-ass minute, then told her something was happening with his phone and he needed to call her from another phone. He called her back, then stuttered a little more as he tried to come up with an answer. Finally, he said that he wants to be here to uplift me and "simplify" my life. How he planned to simplify my life coming here with no job, nowhere to live, and no transportation is beyond me. If anything, I could only see that complicating things for me. For some reason, that response really pissed me off. He made it sound as if I'm some charity case and I need him here to rescue me. I wanted to get on the phone and tell him, "Nigga, this ain't a fairy tale and you ain't a damn prince. Because I'm pretty sure that the prince in the fairy tales could at least afford to take the princess out to dinner every once in a while."

The final topic in the conversation was Grace asking Taz who he relies on spiritually for strength. This was another question that caused him to fumble over his words for several moments, before he told her that he relies on himself to get through situations. I guess I should have mentioned earlier that Grace is a very religious woman. She's always on me about being sure to get linked up with a God-fearing man. I've never been the Bible-toting, scripture quoting type, but with several things that have happened in my life, it had to be God that pulled some strings because I definitely couldn't have done it myself. So to hear Taz saying that he didn't believe in ANY higher being because that's not realistic...I knew things wouldn't end well. Grace pulled out a couple scriptures on Taz, including that one about being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens you, and added that relying on human strength only is a recipe for failure. Then she ended the conversation by saying how lovely it was to have talked with him and she wished him nothing but the best. She also advised that he probably shouldn't move here because if his asthma was that severe in St. Louis, he would be sick all the time due to the high pollen index in Virginia.

I got back on the phone with him, but he sounded like he was talking to someone else and wasn't responding to me so I hung up. He called back a couple times, but I was too busy talking shit about him with Grace that I didn't answer. I called him back later and he said he was at the movies and he would text me. He never did. I wanted to call him again, curse him out, ask him a bunch of questions about why he had fabricated his life to sound good to my mom's friend (even though he still failed miserably), but I didn't. I knew he would do the double-talking shit that he always does, and never give me a straight answer. So the next day, I simply sent a text saying that we needed to go our separate ways. He replied asking, "So we can't be coo no more?" I told him I'm cool and I don't have any hard feelings towards him. I haven't heard from him since. 

I feel relieved though. The whole time we were together, I felt like I was more stressed than he was about how he was going to take care of himself. It would only get worse if he moved here, and my life definitely wouldn't have been "simplified." I don't have any other prospects at the moment, but whatever. I think the single life is where it's at for me right now. I do need to get a damn puppy or goldfish or something, because having no boyfriend AND no friends is just depressing. 

Well that's all for now. I missed the blogger world and I will try to do better about posting!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Confusion. (Part 2)

I went home for the holidays and spent more time with Taz and it was awesome as always. We always had a good time when we hung out. He told me that his feelings for me were getting more serious and I felt the same. I'm usually not one to express my emotions, for fear of looking (and feeling) like an idiot, but with Taz I felt comfortable for some reason. I didn't have any reservations about him making fun of me or judging me, and that's something I never felt with anyone else.

This past January was his birthday month, and about a week before his birthday he sent me a text saying that he was going to try to persuade his younger sister to fly him out to Virginia as a birthday gift. He said that she was originally going to buy him some parts to fix his car and a lens for his camera (he has been working on starting his own photography business). I was excited when he first told me because of course I wanted to see him, but then the logical part of me kicked in and started analyzing the situation. Plane tickets are always expensive, especially on short notice, so I knew that would be about $500 for a round trip. On top of that, he would have to stay in a hotel because I wasn't allowed to have overnight visitors in my barracks. Even the cheap hotels in Virginia start around $100 a night and Taz was planning on staying here for 3 or 4 days, so that would be another 3 or 4 hundred bucks. Add the cost of food to that, and that's easily over $1000 for a trip; money that could be spent towards him having reliable transportation and equipment for his business. I talked to him a couple days later and apparently his sister had mentioned the same thing to him about his preference of taking a trip instead of investing in something more long-term.

I told him that as much as I wanted to see him, I would rather he use that money for the things he needed. He agreed with me, and we continued communicating via phone calls and text. Until.............

We were having a normal conversation as usual, nothing serious, then Taz hits me with the "Oh, btw my phone will be off tomorrow" text. Okay. I ask him what happened to him doing everything he could to make sure we could stay in touch, because we went for nearly a week without talking the last time due to his phone being off. He claimed that he meant what he said before, but things didn't work out the way he thought, therefore we needed to be "realistic."

Let me pause right there.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I pride myself on being very good with words. With that being said, when someone uses a particular word (or words) to prove a point with me, I will take that word and start thinking of every single way that word has been relevant in dealing with that person. So when Taz implied that I was not being realistic, my mind started racing with all the things he had failed to be "realistic" during our relationship. It wasn't very realistic to want to get married and have kids in 1 or 2 years when he had no income, it wasn't realistic to make plans to come to Virginia when he needed to get his car fixed, it wasn't realistic to get into a long-distance relationship knowing that his phone got cut off on a regular basis.....see where I'm going with this?

So I asked him if realistically, he thought it was fair to me not to be able to talk to him, when were already so far from each other. He admitted that he realized it was frustrating, but there was nothing else he could do. I didn't hear from him anymore that night, but I spent the whole night thinking about the conversation and our whole relationship in general. Like I said in the first part of this post, I've been unemployed and phone-less myself in the past, so that's not the issue I was having with Taz. My issue was that he knew what his situation was, but still chose to embark on getting into a serious relationship. And not just a serious relationship, but a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships pretty much depend on the usage of phones or any means of communication other than face-to-face. If I can't see you every day and I also can't talk to you on the phone, or text you, or e-mail you, what kind of relationship do we have?

Even though it hurt my heart more than anything ever had, I knew what I had to do. The next day Taz hit me up, asking if I was "mad" at him. I told him I wasn't mad, but I had done a lot of thinking and I couldn't deal with randomly being out of touch all the time. He asked what I wanted to do, and I told him I thought we should take a break while he took care of his business and then see where things went from there. He said he agreed with me even though he knew it would hurt. He asked where we stood, and I told him I always valued our friendship but a relationship outside of that didn't seem like the best option at the time. Later, he apologized for being a burden to me and said he hoped he hadn't wasted my time and he still loved me no matter what.

This is where the confusion part comes in. I feel like what I did was the best thing to do, logically, but at the same time I feel like I was being a coldhearted bitch. I couldn't stay with him and pay his phone bill every month because I think that would just be a way of enabling him rather than leaving it up to him to handle his own affairs, but at the same time I know how helpless and frustrated you feel when you don't have the money for what seems like a small thing. I've never been in this type of situation before. I always thought if I broke up with someone it would be because they were abusive or cheating.

All of this happened about two weeks ago, and I still replay what was said in my head every day. This love shit sucks.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Confusion. (Part 1)

In my last post, I said that I would write more regarding my feelings and thoughts about my current relationship. There's no better time than the present, so here it goes.
I met my boyfriend (I'll call him Taz, that's his artistic alter ego nickname) seven years ago in college. We were in the same art classes, and as usual, I kept to myself for the most part. However, he would approach me with some bullshit small talk or say something to make me laugh since I was (and still am) so fucking serious. Eventually, we started talking back and forth on MySpace (that lets you know we go waaaaayyy back) and exchanged numbers. I could tell he liked me and I liked him too, but at the time he had a girlfriend so I wasn't trying to get in the middle of that.

We kept in contact on and off for the next few years, but for some reason he would always randomly change his number and I wouldn't be able to get a hold of him. Then he would call or text me from a new number and we would start talking again. Last year, the day I got out of boot camp, I logged into Facebook and I had a friend request from him. No sooner than I accepted the request, there he was in that little pop-up chat window asking how I had been. He wasn't thrilled to hear I had joined the military, but we exchanged numbers again and kept in touch the whole time I was in A school.

When I came home after graduating from A school, Taz and I spent just about every day together for the next two weeks. During that time, he revealed to me that he had always wanted to be with me and asked how I would feel about being in a long distance relationship. I told him I had never experienced it, but because I cared about him I was willing to try it.
Somewhere in here, I guess I should have mentioned that Taz was (and still is) unemployed. Although we went to school together and I graduated, he stopped taking classes because he was having family and health issues and hasn't gone back yet. However, I've had my times of being unemployed and down on my luck. About four years ago this time, I was desperately poor and probably had about $2 to my name, literally. I had no car, could barely afford to buy food, and I definitely couldn't pay any of my bills. This led to my cell phone being cut off and accruing a $500 bill due to the termination cost and late fees. Add the constant harassing phone calls from bill collectors and you had one miserable sister. I say all of that to say that I knew about Taz's situation, but I wasn't tripping off it too much because I've been there and I know it sucks. I know you can't just snap your fingers and get a 50K yearly salary. I have been called materialistic in my younger days, but I've never been the type of woman to expect a man to buy me clothes, jewelry, and a brand new car. If there's anything I want, I'm capable of paying for it myself. I knew that I was in a bad financial situation, but I managed to get out of it so I had faith that Taz would do the same.

We became "official" in October of 2011 and things were going great. I made the move to Virginia, and one day while we were on the phone he mentioned that he wouldn't be able to talk to me for a few days because his phone would be off. I was thrown off for a minute, then I realized that he was saying he wouldn't be able to pay the bill. I know some of you out there are going to throw virtual darts at me for what I'm about to say, but since we had just started dating and I was feeling unusually compassionate, I sent him the money to pay for it. He promised he would pay me back but I told him not to worry about it. I felt if the roles were reversed and I was in his shoes, he would do the same for me.

As the months went by, he would tell me about jobs he had applied for and how people weren't hiring him because they claimed his skills didn't match what they were looking for. At the same time, he confided that he wasn't getting any support from his family because they looked down at him as a "bum" that was never going to be anything in life. I did my best to encourage him, telling him not to be influenced by what other people thought of him and to do what he could to get back on his feet. He'd say I was right and tell me how much he appreciated me for being there for him.

Then he sent me a text one day saying his phone was going to be off....again. Okay. As much as I wanted to, I refrained from offering to send him the money again. A few days went by with no contact from him and I was a little irritated. Here I am in a long distance relationship, already missing out on the comfort of seeing the person I love every day, and now I can't even hear his voice either? I was pissed. I still did my best to be understanding though, and didn't confront him about how I was feeling (although I should have).
Okay....this is getting long. I guess I'm going to stop here and do that Part 2 shit. Hopefully I won't take forever doing it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Serious Question.

Is there anyone out in the blogosphere that resides (or knows someone that resides) in Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, or Washington?? I'm trying to come up with a plan....

*Wink, wink

Y'all can probably already figure out what it is.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Tagged And Shit.

I guess I'm supposed to post 11 random facts about myself then answer 11 more questions. I saw the rules on everyone else's blog, but the copy and paste function is being retarded and I'm too lazy to re-type it all.

Anyway, these are my 11 random facts:

1. I'm obsessed with Spider Solitaire. I discovered it on my computer a couple weeks ago and now I play it just about every day.

2. I'm really good at English. At one point in my life, I wanted to be an English teacher.

3. I chew gum like most people smoke cigarettes. I can go through a pack a day.

4. I'm skinny.

5. I enjoy cleaning, especially the bathroom. I feel so proud when everything is all scrubbed down and smelling fresh.

6. I say "I don't give a fuck" a lot.

7. I also say "and shit" a lot.

8. I smoke if I get drunk enough.

9. I drive a Honda Civic.

10. I hate being the first person to initiate a text conversation.

11. I want to live in New York.

Now, the answers to Laki's questions:

1. Do you follow any superstitions?

2. Are you single or attached? How do you feel about your current situation?
Oh boy. Answering this question could be a blog post all by itself. I'm currently in a relationship, but I'm not as happy about it as I should be. The person I'm with is a good person and I think he has good intentions...but I feel like he lacks the motivation to get out of the state he's in and that's emotionally draining for me. More on that later.

3. If you could have dinner with any famous person, living or dead, who would it be?
Lupe Fiasco. I love his lyrics and I'd want to pick his brain on how he came up with them.

4. What five words would OTHER PEOPLE describe you as?
Quiet, smart, skinny, weird, sarcastic.

5. Cats or dogs?
Dogs. Cats are creepy.

6. Weave or natural?
Natural. I had weave put in for the first time last summer and it was the worst experience ever. Even after I repeatedly told the woman my hair was natural and I DID NOT want any relaxer in it, she still put relaxer "around the edges" so it could "blend" in with the weave. Then tracks were showing and shit...I was beyond pissed. It will take a long minute before I do that again.

7. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
Walked through a gang of clowns during a Halloween fest at an amusement park.

8. Who are you closest to?
My mom and younger brother.

9. What's one of the most embarrassing things you've done?
Pissed myself in boot camp.

10. What advice were you given that you wish you would have listened to?
Finish getting my bachelor's degree.

11. If money were no object, what would be the first thing you'd do?
Move to Italy.

I know the next part is to tag other people, but I can't think of anyone so umm....yeah.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

New Year Shit.

I went home for the holidays and it was such a nice getaway, as usual. So much so, that I didn't want to come back to Virginia. At all. Like, I was seriously thinking of ways that I could disappear. Withdraw all the money from my bank accounts and live like a fugitive, or fake my death or something.

I didn't do it though. So here I am, back in Snore-ville, trying to keep up the high from being at home for as long as possible. Don't know how long it will last, since people from work were irking my nerves the first day I got back. I try not to let them get to me, I really do, but there's just something in my brain that won't allow me to let that shit go. I always say I'm going to work on it and I do for a while, then someone says or does something and I'm back in that place again.

Anyway, I don't really do the New Year's Resolution thing anymore because I never follow through with that shit. I have goals and accomplishments that I'm constantly working towards. I've been working towards them pretty much all year round. I have setbacks, but I keep getting up and pushing through it.

One goal I'm always *trying* to work on is saving money. I never thought something that seems so simple could be so hard, but it really is (for me at least). I have good intentions, but as soon as I'm saving, some random bill or repair pops up that I have to take care of, and I find myself pulling money from my savings. I guess savings are meant for emergencies, but still. I just want to have the money THERE. I don't want to have to use it for some bullshit. That probably sounds unreasonable as hell, but I don't care. I always envy people who have like $10,000 just sitting pretty in their bank account.

I was making my way towards being that way, but of course my impatient ass went and got a brand-new car. I don't regret getting the car because I'm the type of person that NEEDS to be independent. I can't be waiting around for people to give me rides and shit, but at the same time, every time the first of the month rolls around and that car payment comes out, I cry a little on the inside.

Other than that, I'm planning on doing what I need to do to advance in the military. I still don't know if I want to make a career out of it, but the least I can do is work on getting promoted while I'm in. The only thing that makes it hard is that I work with so many disgruntled people who HATE the military and don't give a fuck about helping any of the new people; they're just counting down the days until they get out. I'm trying to find the people who can give me some guidance; maybe that will make things better.

Personally, I'm working on making this relationship thing work. I'm so happy when I'm with my boyfriend at home, but as soon as I get to Virginia I do my best to pretend he doesn't exist. I know that sounds fucked up, but if I think about how much I miss him, I won't want to get out of bed. I have to think like that so I can function, or at least that's what I tell myself. At the same time, I'm sure that makes him think I don't care. My goal is to sort through my emotions and be honest about them, since I've always had problems expressing how I feel....vocally, that is.

Well, those are my New Year's non-Resolutions. Good luck to everyone else that has made resolutions!