Sunday, December 30, 2012
At the ripe old age of 25, I think I can safely say that being independent isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Maybe I'm just getting weary, but having to rack my brain to navigate all of life's tricky little curveballs by myself all the time is becoming more and more emotionally and mentally exhausting.
My most recent battle of no longer wanting to be independent has emerged due to my first upcoming deployment. With all the issues that most people would be concerned with (wills, kids, the strain of a deployment on a marriage), my two issues are those that would probably be considered minor and petty: my car and my hair. The latter seems to be taken care of for the moment. I broke down and got the good old "battle braids" because I know that the weather in the Middle East, and my thick, natural hair that I attempt to keep straight so it can fit into a sock bun, will not work. I'm praying to the hair gods that the braids will keep up for a while....not sure if they can last for the projected 11 months I'll be gone though. In that case, I'm praying that they will at least keep up until we pull into a port and I can find a place to tame the beast that grows out of my poor, defenseless scalp.
The car issue has been an ongoing one, and even though deployment is creeping up in a few short weeks, I STILL don't have a solid plan on what I'm going to do with it. Up until about a week ago, I had planned on putting the vehicle in storage and letting my insurance company know so they can reduce the premium for the length of the deployment. I'm with GEICO, so they have a couple storage options where I can either get the premium reduced until I get back and turn in my license plates/registration, or I can pay my usual amount and be reimbursed 70% of the premium upon my return. That all sounds fine and dandy, but the way I've calculated the cost of my bills, if I put my car in storage, with the car note, insurance, AND storage costs, my bills will be just as much as they are now, if not more. I was hoping to cut down on my bills by eliminating my phone bill and all, but if I get rid of my phone and pick up a monthly storage bill that's almost twice as much, that seems a bit counterproductive to me.
Then I talked to my dad, who suggested that I look at actually selling my car; that way I could eliminate the car note, insurance, and of course no storage fee. That sounds good in theory, but my car is brand new, and I still owe quite a bit of cash on it so I'm not sure if selling it at this point is even an option. On top of that, it's my baby! That's the first brand new car I've ever bought (not to mention, on my own...again) and the thought of getting rid of it after just over a year makes me a little ill. Plus, I doubt that I'll be able to find a buyer and get everything turned over within the next two weeks. He also suggested that I have my parents take the car home and keep it there, which I talked to them about. However, my mother doesn't seem to be thrilled about the idea of taking a plane to Norfolk and turning around to make a 16 hour drive back to St. Louis.
I don't have anyone in Virginia that I trust to keep the car for me, so that's a no-go. And this is my dilemma. It's just me....stressing out every day trying to figure out what to do. As melodramatic and psychotic as it sounds, I'm halfway tempted to push the damn car over the nearest cliff and be done with it. The reason I wanted to have my parents take the car was so I could save more money on deployment and start getting ahead financially, but I suppose the powers that be don't want that to happen.
If I weren't independent, it seems like life would be so much easier. I could just kick my feet up and let other people take care of everything while I live fancy-free. This is the path I chose though so I should take it like a (wo)man, huh?
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I've been on a boat for the last month and a half. The internet service is spotty at best, and I have to share a computer with 10 other people, so it leaves little time for blogging. Does anyone even blog anymore? I'm still trying to catch up with everyone's blogs.
Being out at sea gives you a lot of time to think. It also shows you the people who really care about you, and the ones who could care less. I had my first "heartbreak" if that's what you want to call it, from someone who claimed he couldn't handle me being gone so much. That was definitely a reality check for me, because up until that point I was still trying to convince myself the military was just like any other job. More on that later though.
I was just itching to put up a post. Toodles.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I'm apologizing in advance if this blog is all over the place. My thoughts on this topic are very scrambled, plus I'm blogging from my phone because I STILL haven't gotten a new laptop. In my defense, I'm leaning towards getting a Macbook, and I'm not 100% financially ready to shell out the 2 grand for a computer.
But I digress. On to the topic at hand.
I've been what you could call a "late bloomer" when it comes to sex/relationships. I didn't even have my first real kiss until I was 21. <---------*Insert horrified gasps here* My first serious relationship was at the end of last year, and it feels like it ended just as soon as it began.
I had sex for the first time with my "serious" boyfriend, which I hadn't planned at all. I never officially said that I was going to wait until I got married, but I guess it was kind of an unspoken thing. Plus, I think my mother expected me to wait, because she stayed a virgin until her first marriage. To my knowledge, she's only been with 3 men, two of whom she was/is married to, and she's always quick to point out that the extra guy happened because she "didn't know better."
So....when I told her I had sex with my then-boyfriend, she definitely wasn't thrilled. She didn't freak out like I imagined she would, but she still wasn't happy. She also hinted that the experience should only be a one time thing, and the next time it happened, we should be married. The only thing is....I didn't enjoy it. At all. And if it was going to be like that, I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and deal with.....THAT for the rest of my life.
Then I thought that maybe it just wasn't enjoyable because it was the first time, so we tried it again. I still didn't enjoy it. It was a little better than the first time, but not that much. Looking back, I wonder if that may have played a part in why the relationship fell off. My ex would talk about how amazing it was being intimate with me, but I didn't feel the same.
Since that relationship, I've been with two other guys, but I still haven't enjoyed the experiences. In each situation, I feel like they were all kind of....selfish. Out of the three, I would say my ex did the most as far as attempting to please me, but overall I've felt like an empty vessel for them to get off in (I guess the less bourgeois term would be "cum bucket"). Then I think about how inexperienced I am, and I think maybe it's just me? Maybe I don't know what I want, or need, to be pleased. However, the last two encounters were fling-type situations, so I definitely won't be seeing them again.
One of my questions is: how am I going to know what I like? Maybe I just wasn't compatible with the guys I mentioned....but wouldn't it be kind of weird to go from waiting until marriage, to having sex with a bunch of random guys just to see if they "fit" what I want?
Maybe some of the not so late bloomers can offer me some insight.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling this way because no one else is really checking for me right now. My cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, etc. are all dry as hell. My own mother isn't even talking to me (don't feel like writing about that right now though). I guess I'm at that "something is better than nothing" point. One crazy friend that gets into drunken fights on the weekend is better than no friends at all.
The thing is, I kinda deleted her on Facebook, and deleted her number from my phone. It's been some months since we talked so it would be super awkward to pop up and go, "Hey girl! I know I deleted you from my life and all, but I had a change of heart. Wanna be friends again?"
I'm too proud for all that. Hopefully this feeling will pass soon.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Me getting down has been going on for some years now though. It seems like it's worse if I'm in a bad situation financially (if I have no job, no car, etc). However, this feeling rears its head even when things seem "ok" to everyone else. I have a stable job, brand new car, an apartment that's paid for, no kids, my bills are paid. But I still just feel...empty. Like I want to cry, but even that won't help.
I always say I'm going to seek counseling, but I end up procrastinating and never getting around to it. I don't have the money to pay for therapy on my own, but I don't want to go through the military for it either. Most of the people I've met in the military strike me as being really careless and messy, and I'm paranoid that my business would get out, and that would only make things worse.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
In my defense, one reason that maybe kinda sorta makes it okay that I haven't posted in so long is because I started "cranking" at the beginning of March. Cranking is something that the Navy puts every E-4 and below sailor through when they get to the ship (well....not EVERY sailor, because I know a few people that managed to weasel their way out of cranking, but that's another story). Basically, when you crank, you work in the ship's galley (or kitchen for civilians) for 3-4 months and "assist" the cooks with cleaning, preparing meals, serving food, etc. I say "assist" because sometimes it feels like we're doing the cooks' jobs FOR them. Oh, and the hours are long. As hell. I work 12-13 hour shifts, and that's on a good day. Then a couple weeks ago, I was picked to work the night shift. Now I go in to work around 6pm and get off around 7am the next morning. Any time in between work is spent sleeping, so that leaves any other activities out. On top of that, I was having some issues with my laptop and getting internet access so.....yeah.
In other news, I broke up with Taz. Again. For real this time. I talked about how I broke things off with him a few months ago, but I started feeling guilty about how abrupt I was and I talked to him and we agreed to give it another shot. However, as the weeks and months went on, I wasn't seeing any progress. He still hadn't gotten a job, but was still making plans to move here to Virginia. Whenever I asked him basic questions like where he was going to live, if he was going to have a car, etc., he would be really nonchalant and claim that he would "figure all that out" when he got here. Apparently, he doesn't like to plan things out too much because when people have things planned out step-by-step, things don't always go as planned and that's when everything gets all fucked up. Okay. I get that, but if you're moving to a completely different state and you don't even know where you're going to LIVE? Nah, I can't co-sign that. Even though he never said it, and even though I told him a while ago that I wasn't planning on shacking up with him, I have a very strong feeling that he was going to try to move in with me.
The final straw came when my mom's friend (I'll call her Grace) that lives in Virginia told me that she wanted to have a conversation with Taz. I had told her about his plans to move here and since she says that I'm like a daughter to her, she wanted to talk to him and see what his intentions were. I reluctantly agreed, because Grace is just as bad--if not worse than--my mother when it comes to giving folks the third degree. (I guess that's why they're such good friends.) She started off by asking what he did as a career and he told her that he's a "professional photographer." She asked if that was how he paid his bills and he said yes. I knew that to be a lie, because if his photography paid the bills, then why is it that just a few months ago I sent him $50 to pay his phone bill? Okay, moving on. Then she asked if he was in school. He said no, then went on to say that he had taken a "sabbatical." Grace quickly stopped him and asked if he had been getting a check while he was on this so-called sabbatical. He laughed it off and corrected himself, saying that he actually had taken time off because he had problems with asthma and bronchitis. He claimed he had plans to go back (although he was supposed to be back in school this past semester, but that didn't happen for whatever reason). This led Grace to ask where he planned to be a year from now. Taz told her he sees himself being done with school, and working as an art teacher. He added that he directs movies so he plans to have his first film completed by then as well. Then she asked where he sees himself two years from now. His answer was that he doesn't like to think that far ahead. Really? Two years from now is too far ahead? After a little more prodding from Grace, he said that he plans to have two photography studios open. Let me also add that with all his talk of future plans, my name was never mentioned. Yeah.
Naturally, my mom's friend noticed this, so she asked what his plans were for me, since he was planning to move to Virginia. He hesitated for a long-ass minute, then told her something was happening with his phone and he needed to call her from another phone. He called her back, then stuttered a little more as he tried to come up with an answer. Finally, he said that he wants to be here to uplift me and "simplify" my life. How he planned to simplify my life coming here with no job, nowhere to live, and no transportation is beyond me. If anything, I could only see that complicating things for me. For some reason, that response really pissed me off. He made it sound as if I'm some charity case and I need him here to rescue me. I wanted to get on the phone and tell him, "Nigga, this ain't a fairy tale and you ain't a damn prince. Because I'm pretty sure that the prince in the fairy tales could at least afford to take the princess out to dinner every once in a while."
The final topic in the conversation was Grace asking Taz who he relies on spiritually for strength. This was another question that caused him to fumble over his words for several moments, before he told her that he relies on himself to get through situations. I guess I should have mentioned earlier that Grace is a very religious woman. She's always on me about being sure to get linked up with a God-fearing man. I've never been the Bible-toting, scripture quoting type, but with several things that have happened in my life, it had to be God that pulled some strings because I definitely couldn't have done it myself. So to hear Taz saying that he didn't believe in ANY higher being because that's not realistic...I knew things wouldn't end well. Grace pulled out a couple scriptures on Taz, including that one about being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens you, and added that relying on human strength only is a recipe for failure. Then she ended the conversation by saying how lovely it was to have talked with him and she wished him nothing but the best. She also advised that he probably shouldn't move here because if his asthma was that severe in St. Louis, he would be sick all the time due to the high pollen index in Virginia.
I got back on the phone with him, but he sounded like he was talking to someone else and wasn't responding to me so I hung up. He called back a couple times, but I was too busy talking shit about him with Grace that I didn't answer. I called him back later and he said he was at the movies and he would text me. He never did. I wanted to call him again, curse him out, ask him a bunch of questions about why he had fabricated his life to sound good to my mom's friend (even though he still failed miserably), but I didn't. I knew he would do the double-talking shit that he always does, and never give me a straight answer. So the next day, I simply sent a text saying that we needed to go our separate ways. He replied asking, "So we can't be coo no more?" I told him I'm cool and I don't have any hard feelings towards him. I haven't heard from him since.
I feel relieved though. The whole time we were together, I felt like I was more stressed than he was about how he was going to take care of himself. It would only get worse if he moved here, and my life definitely wouldn't have been "simplified." I don't have any other prospects at the moment, but whatever. I think the single life is where it's at for me right now. I do need to get a damn puppy or goldfish or something, because having no boyfriend AND no friends is just depressing.
Well that's all for now. I missed the blogger world and I will try to do better about posting!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Y'all can probably already figure out what it is.