Sunday, January 29, 2012

Confusion. (Part 1)

In my last post, I said that I would write more regarding my feelings and thoughts about my current relationship. There's no better time than the present, so here it goes.
I met my boyfriend (I'll call him Taz, that's his artistic alter ego nickname) seven years ago in college. We were in the same art classes, and as usual, I kept to myself for the most part. However, he would approach me with some bullshit small talk or say something to make me laugh since I was (and still am) so fucking serious. Eventually, we started talking back and forth on MySpace (that lets you know we go waaaaayyy back) and exchanged numbers. I could tell he liked me and I liked him too, but at the time he had a girlfriend so I wasn't trying to get in the middle of that.

We kept in contact on and off for the next few years, but for some reason he would always randomly change his number and I wouldn't be able to get a hold of him. Then he would call or text me from a new number and we would start talking again. Last year, the day I got out of boot camp, I logged into Facebook and I had a friend request from him. No sooner than I accepted the request, there he was in that little pop-up chat window asking how I had been. He wasn't thrilled to hear I had joined the military, but we exchanged numbers again and kept in touch the whole time I was in A school.

When I came home after graduating from A school, Taz and I spent just about every day together for the next two weeks. During that time, he revealed to me that he had always wanted to be with me and asked how I would feel about being in a long distance relationship. I told him I had never experienced it, but because I cared about him I was willing to try it.
Somewhere in here, I guess I should have mentioned that Taz was (and still is) unemployed. Although we went to school together and I graduated, he stopped taking classes because he was having family and health issues and hasn't gone back yet. However, I've had my times of being unemployed and down on my luck. About four years ago this time, I was desperately poor and probably had about $2 to my name, literally. I had no car, could barely afford to buy food, and I definitely couldn't pay any of my bills. This led to my cell phone being cut off and accruing a $500 bill due to the termination cost and late fees. Add the constant harassing phone calls from bill collectors and you had one miserable sister. I say all of that to say that I knew about Taz's situation, but I wasn't tripping off it too much because I've been there and I know it sucks. I know you can't just snap your fingers and get a 50K yearly salary. I have been called materialistic in my younger days, but I've never been the type of woman to expect a man to buy me clothes, jewelry, and a brand new car. If there's anything I want, I'm capable of paying for it myself. I knew that I was in a bad financial situation, but I managed to get out of it so I had faith that Taz would do the same.

We became "official" in October of 2011 and things were going great. I made the move to Virginia, and one day while we were on the phone he mentioned that he wouldn't be able to talk to me for a few days because his phone would be off. I was thrown off for a minute, then I realized that he was saying he wouldn't be able to pay the bill. I know some of you out there are going to throw virtual darts at me for what I'm about to say, but since we had just started dating and I was feeling unusually compassionate, I sent him the money to pay for it. He promised he would pay me back but I told him not to worry about it. I felt if the roles were reversed and I was in his shoes, he would do the same for me.

As the months went by, he would tell me about jobs he had applied for and how people weren't hiring him because they claimed his skills didn't match what they were looking for. At the same time, he confided that he wasn't getting any support from his family because they looked down at him as a "bum" that was never going to be anything in life. I did my best to encourage him, telling him not to be influenced by what other people thought of him and to do what he could to get back on his feet. He'd say I was right and tell me how much he appreciated me for being there for him.

Then he sent me a text one day saying his phone was going to be off....again. Okay. As much as I wanted to, I refrained from offering to send him the money again. A few days went by with no contact from him and I was a little irritated. Here I am in a long distance relationship, already missing out on the comfort of seeing the person I love every day, and now I can't even hear his voice either? I was pissed. I still did my best to be understanding though, and didn't confront him about how I was feeling (although I should have).
Okay....this is getting long. I guess I'm going to stop here and do that Part 2 shit. Hopefully I won't take forever doing it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Serious Question.

Is there anyone out in the blogosphere that resides (or knows someone that resides) in Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, or Washington?? I'm trying to come up with a plan....

*Wink, wink

Y'all can probably already figure out what it is.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Tagged And Shit.

I guess I'm supposed to post 11 random facts about myself then answer 11 more questions. I saw the rules on everyone else's blog, but the copy and paste function is being retarded and I'm too lazy to re-type it all.

Anyway, these are my 11 random facts:

1. I'm obsessed with Spider Solitaire. I discovered it on my computer a couple weeks ago and now I play it just about every day.

2. I'm really good at English. At one point in my life, I wanted to be an English teacher.

3. I chew gum like most people smoke cigarettes. I can go through a pack a day.

4. I'm skinny.

5. I enjoy cleaning, especially the bathroom. I feel so proud when everything is all scrubbed down and smelling fresh.

6. I say "I don't give a fuck" a lot.

7. I also say "and shit" a lot.

8. I smoke if I get drunk enough.

9. I drive a Honda Civic.

10. I hate being the first person to initiate a text conversation.

11. I want to live in New York.

Now, the answers to Laki's questions:

1. Do you follow any superstitions?

2. Are you single or attached? How do you feel about your current situation?
Oh boy. Answering this question could be a blog post all by itself. I'm currently in a relationship, but I'm not as happy about it as I should be. The person I'm with is a good person and I think he has good intentions...but I feel like he lacks the motivation to get out of the state he's in and that's emotionally draining for me. More on that later.

3. If you could have dinner with any famous person, living or dead, who would it be?
Lupe Fiasco. I love his lyrics and I'd want to pick his brain on how he came up with them.

4. What five words would OTHER PEOPLE describe you as?
Quiet, smart, skinny, weird, sarcastic.

5. Cats or dogs?
Dogs. Cats are creepy.

6. Weave or natural?
Natural. I had weave put in for the first time last summer and it was the worst experience ever. Even after I repeatedly told the woman my hair was natural and I DID NOT want any relaxer in it, she still put relaxer "around the edges" so it could "blend" in with the weave. Then tracks were showing and shit...I was beyond pissed. It will take a long minute before I do that again.

7. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
Walked through a gang of clowns during a Halloween fest at an amusement park.

8. Who are you closest to?
My mom and younger brother.

9. What's one of the most embarrassing things you've done?
Pissed myself in boot camp.

10. What advice were you given that you wish you would have listened to?
Finish getting my bachelor's degree.

11. If money were no object, what would be the first thing you'd do?
Move to Italy.

I know the next part is to tag other people, but I can't think of anyone so umm....yeah.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

New Year Shit.

I went home for the holidays and it was such a nice getaway, as usual. So much so, that I didn't want to come back to Virginia. At all. Like, I was seriously thinking of ways that I could disappear. Withdraw all the money from my bank accounts and live like a fugitive, or fake my death or something.

I didn't do it though. So here I am, back in Snore-ville, trying to keep up the high from being at home for as long as possible. Don't know how long it will last, since people from work were irking my nerves the first day I got back. I try not to let them get to me, I really do, but there's just something in my brain that won't allow me to let that shit go. I always say I'm going to work on it and I do for a while, then someone says or does something and I'm back in that place again.

Anyway, I don't really do the New Year's Resolution thing anymore because I never follow through with that shit. I have goals and accomplishments that I'm constantly working towards. I've been working towards them pretty much all year round. I have setbacks, but I keep getting up and pushing through it.

One goal I'm always *trying* to work on is saving money. I never thought something that seems so simple could be so hard, but it really is (for me at least). I have good intentions, but as soon as I'm saving, some random bill or repair pops up that I have to take care of, and I find myself pulling money from my savings. I guess savings are meant for emergencies, but still. I just want to have the money THERE. I don't want to have to use it for some bullshit. That probably sounds unreasonable as hell, but I don't care. I always envy people who have like $10,000 just sitting pretty in their bank account.

I was making my way towards being that way, but of course my impatient ass went and got a brand-new car. I don't regret getting the car because I'm the type of person that NEEDS to be independent. I can't be waiting around for people to give me rides and shit, but at the same time, every time the first of the month rolls around and that car payment comes out, I cry a little on the inside.

Other than that, I'm planning on doing what I need to do to advance in the military. I still don't know if I want to make a career out of it, but the least I can do is work on getting promoted while I'm in. The only thing that makes it hard is that I work with so many disgruntled people who HATE the military and don't give a fuck about helping any of the new people; they're just counting down the days until they get out. I'm trying to find the people who can give me some guidance; maybe that will make things better.

Personally, I'm working on making this relationship thing work. I'm so happy when I'm with my boyfriend at home, but as soon as I get to Virginia I do my best to pretend he doesn't exist. I know that sounds fucked up, but if I think about how much I miss him, I won't want to get out of bed. I have to think like that so I can function, or at least that's what I tell myself. At the same time, I'm sure that makes him think I don't care. My goal is to sort through my emotions and be honest about them, since I've always had problems expressing how I feel....vocally, that is.

Well, those are my New Year's non-Resolutions. Good luck to everyone else that has made resolutions!