Sunday, February 12, 2012

Confusion. (Part 2)

I went home for the holidays and spent more time with Taz and it was awesome as always. We always had a good time when we hung out. He told me that his feelings for me were getting more serious and I felt the same. I'm usually not one to express my emotions, for fear of looking (and feeling) like an idiot, but with Taz I felt comfortable for some reason. I didn't have any reservations about him making fun of me or judging me, and that's something I never felt with anyone else.

This past January was his birthday month, and about a week before his birthday he sent me a text saying that he was going to try to persuade his younger sister to fly him out to Virginia as a birthday gift. He said that she was originally going to buy him some parts to fix his car and a lens for his camera (he has been working on starting his own photography business). I was excited when he first told me because of course I wanted to see him, but then the logical part of me kicked in and started analyzing the situation. Plane tickets are always expensive, especially on short notice, so I knew that would be about $500 for a round trip. On top of that, he would have to stay in a hotel because I wasn't allowed to have overnight visitors in my barracks. Even the cheap hotels in Virginia start around $100 a night and Taz was planning on staying here for 3 or 4 days, so that would be another 3 or 4 hundred bucks. Add the cost of food to that, and that's easily over $1000 for a trip; money that could be spent towards him having reliable transportation and equipment for his business. I talked to him a couple days later and apparently his sister had mentioned the same thing to him about his preference of taking a trip instead of investing in something more long-term.

I told him that as much as I wanted to see him, I would rather he use that money for the things he needed. He agreed with me, and we continued communicating via phone calls and text. Until.............

We were having a normal conversation as usual, nothing serious, then Taz hits me with the "Oh, btw my phone will be off tomorrow" text. Okay. I ask him what happened to him doing everything he could to make sure we could stay in touch, because we went for nearly a week without talking the last time due to his phone being off. He claimed that he meant what he said before, but things didn't work out the way he thought, therefore we needed to be "realistic."

Let me pause right there.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I pride myself on being very good with words. With that being said, when someone uses a particular word (or words) to prove a point with me, I will take that word and start thinking of every single way that word has been relevant in dealing with that person. So when Taz implied that I was not being realistic, my mind started racing with all the things he had failed to be "realistic" during our relationship. It wasn't very realistic to want to get married and have kids in 1 or 2 years when he had no income, it wasn't realistic to make plans to come to Virginia when he needed to get his car fixed, it wasn't realistic to get into a long-distance relationship knowing that his phone got cut off on a regular basis.....see where I'm going with this?

So I asked him if realistically, he thought it was fair to me not to be able to talk to him, when were already so far from each other. He admitted that he realized it was frustrating, but there was nothing else he could do. I didn't hear from him anymore that night, but I spent the whole night thinking about the conversation and our whole relationship in general. Like I said in the first part of this post, I've been unemployed and phone-less myself in the past, so that's not the issue I was having with Taz. My issue was that he knew what his situation was, but still chose to embark on getting into a serious relationship. And not just a serious relationship, but a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships pretty much depend on the usage of phones or any means of communication other than face-to-face. If I can't see you every day and I also can't talk to you on the phone, or text you, or e-mail you, what kind of relationship do we have?

Even though it hurt my heart more than anything ever had, I knew what I had to do. The next day Taz hit me up, asking if I was "mad" at him. I told him I wasn't mad, but I had done a lot of thinking and I couldn't deal with randomly being out of touch all the time. He asked what I wanted to do, and I told him I thought we should take a break while he took care of his business and then see where things went from there. He said he agreed with me even though he knew it would hurt. He asked where we stood, and I told him I always valued our friendship but a relationship outside of that didn't seem like the best option at the time. Later, he apologized for being a burden to me and said he hoped he hadn't wasted my time and he still loved me no matter what.

This is where the confusion part comes in. I feel like what I did was the best thing to do, logically, but at the same time I feel like I was being a coldhearted bitch. I couldn't stay with him and pay his phone bill every month because I think that would just be a way of enabling him rather than leaving it up to him to handle his own affairs, but at the same time I know how helpless and frustrated you feel when you don't have the money for what seems like a small thing. I've never been in this type of situation before. I always thought if I broke up with someone it would be because they were abusive or cheating.

All of this happened about two weeks ago, and I still replay what was said in my head every day. This love shit sucks.


DianaBoss said...

I WISH I was as sensible as you! I wish i could think like you! You have a gift of thinking clearly.

I can't give advice because you know I'm a mess but I can say what you did was best IMHO.

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

Thanks Diana. Sometimes I feel like my sensibility is a gift and a curse. I know what I'm doing is going to be good for me in the long run, but it never feels good at the present time.

LakiSwirl said...

I'm with Diana on this. I wish I had your level headedness. I think you did the right thing for yourself and this is something that I wouldn't have been able to do.

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

Ok...but does that mean there's something wrong with me then? Like, the fact that I was able to emotionally detach myself to make that decision? Idk. Sometimes I don't even understand myself.

Confessions of A Confused City Girl said...

I am the same way. Always very meticulous about the decisions i make. Esp. when it comes to matters of the heart. I think you did the right thing though. If it's not the best situation for either of you to be in, you've got to let it go. If it comes back, so be it.

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Confessions Of A City Girl