Sunday, May 20, 2012

How Do You Know.....

.....If you're really depressed? I always have times when I get down and lonely, but I don't know if it's really a problem or if it's just me being in one of my emo moods.
Me getting down has been going on for some years now though. It seems like it's worse if I'm in a bad situation financially (if I have no job, no car, etc). However, this feeling rears its head even when things seem "ok" to everyone else. I have a stable job, brand new car, an apartment that's paid for, no kids, my bills are paid. But I still just feel...empty. Like I want to cry, but even that won't help.
I always say I'm going to seek counseling, but I end up procrastinating and never getting around to it. I don't have the money to pay for therapy on my own, but I don't want to go through the military for it either. Most of the people I've met in the military strike me as being really careless and messy, and I'm paranoid that my business would get out, and that would only make things worse.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Girl........Have one of These. \_

I don't know if any of you had the opportunity to check out Rihanna's recent performance on Saturday Night Live. If you missed it, you can catch it here.

Before I start, let me say this. I AM a fan of Rihanna's music. I wasn't all that into her when she came out with "Pon de Replay," but I've been rocking out with her since her Good Girl Gone Bad days. She's a beautiful girl, she's sexy, and even when I try to hate some of her songs, most of them end up being some of my favorites, because they're just so damn catchy.

^^^This was a disclaimer for anyone that may think I am bashing her when I make these following comments.

The performance was horrible. I knew it was going to be horrible before I pressed "play," but because I'm a fan, there's always that tiny glimmer of hope inside that says, "Okay, THIS will be the time when she finally nails it!"

But no. Rih's been in the game seven years now and she's still giving me strained ass vocals and amateur dancing. I got chills while she warbled her way through "Birthday Cake" and "Talk that Talk" and I'm not talking about the rejuvenated, I-got-the-Holy-Ghost kind of chills.

What makes her disastrous live performing even worse is the people that comment and make every single excuse known to man. I've heard things like, "Well at least she's trying" and "Maybe she was nervous" and "At least she looked good."

Are you serious? Like I said earlier, Rihanna's been in the music industry for SEVEN years. Count 'em: one, two, three, four, five, six, SEVEN. She's received Grammys, she's had several concert tours. She's not some new buck pushing her first single. When she sang like this during her Music of the Sun days, I could kinda understand. I say "kinda," because if you're calling yourself a singer, then dammit you better sing. But you've dropped six albums and you still sound like a billy goat being strangled? Nah, son. That's unacceptable. I don't give a damn how pretty she looks or if she has performance jitters. Being a music artist is her JOB. If you can't perform, maybe it's time to find a new career path. I mean, if she were a pizza delivery driver and could never deliver orders on time after seven years, do you think Pizza Hut would still keep her inefficient ass? Hell no. So why is it okay for her to suck at her job because she's a celeb with a pretty face?

Another thing that grinds my gears is that for being such a mediocre artist, the girl damn sure is cocky. The shenanigans she gets herself into off stage are more entertaining than what she gives on stage. With her being such a bad performer, I can't co-sign any of it though. Taking racy pics with Snoop Dogg, smoking big ass blunts, showing off "Thug Life" tattoos with your middle finger up.....girl. Fuck me? No, fuck you for putting out a new album every six months and still not being able to carry a tune. Maybe if she spent more time in the studio perfecting her craft instead of trying to be this "bad bitch," we would get better quality performances. The fact that she still hasn't, shows that she truly doesn't give a damn about her fans and because of that, I don't think I'll be spending any more of my money to support her "being pretty" and partying.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Does This Shit Work?

I downloaded the Blogger app. Just seeing if it works. Testing, testing....

Saturday, May 5, 2012

I Can't Believe.........

........It's been more than two months since I posted anything on this blog. SMH at my damn self. That's unacceptable. Writing has always been my first love, and to not write for that long just ain't right. Maybe that's why I've felt so empty for the past couple months.

In my defense, one reason that maybe kinda sorta makes it okay that I haven't posted in so long is because I started "cranking" at the beginning of March. Cranking is something that the Navy puts every E-4 and below sailor through when they get to the ship (well....not EVERY sailor, because I know a few people that managed to weasel their way out of cranking, but that's another story). Basically, when you crank, you work in the ship's galley (or kitchen for civilians) for 3-4 months and "assist" the cooks with cleaning, preparing meals, serving food, etc. I say "assist" because sometimes it feels like we're doing the cooks' jobs FOR them. Oh, and the hours are long. As hell. I work 12-13 hour shifts, and that's on a good day. Then a couple weeks ago, I was picked to work the night shift. Now I go in to work around 6pm and get off around 7am the next morning. Any time in between work is spent sleeping, so that leaves any other activities out. On top of that, I was having some issues with my laptop and getting internet access so.....yeah.

In other news, I broke up with Taz. Again. For real this time. I talked about how I broke things off with him a few months ago, but I started feeling guilty about how abrupt I was and I talked to him and we agreed to give it another shot. However, as the weeks and months went on, I wasn't seeing any progress. He still hadn't gotten a job, but was still making plans to move here to Virginia. Whenever I asked him basic questions like where he was going to live, if he was going to have a car, etc., he would be really nonchalant and claim that he would "figure all that out" when he got here. Apparently, he doesn't like to plan things out too much because when people have things planned out step-by-step, things don't always go as planned and that's when everything gets all fucked up. Okay. I get that, but if you're moving to a completely different state and you don't even know where you're going to LIVE? Nah, I can't co-sign that. Even though he never said it, and even though I told him a while ago that I wasn't planning on shacking up with him, I have a very strong feeling that he was going to try to move in with me. 

The final straw came when my mom's friend (I'll call her Grace) that lives in Virginia told me that she wanted to have a conversation with Taz. I had told her about his plans to move here and since she says that I'm like a daughter to her, she wanted to talk to him and see what his intentions were. I reluctantly agreed, because Grace is just as bad--if not worse than--my mother when it comes to giving folks the third degree. (I guess that's why they're such good friends.) She started off by asking what he did as a career and he told her that he's a "professional photographer." She asked if that was how he paid his bills and he said yes. I knew that to be a lie, because if his photography paid the bills, then why is it that just a few months ago I sent him $50 to pay his phone bill? Okay, moving on. Then she asked if he was in school. He said no, then went on to say that he had taken a "sabbatical." Grace quickly stopped him and asked if he had been getting a check while he was on this so-called sabbatical. He laughed it off and corrected himself, saying that he actually had taken time off because he had problems with asthma and bronchitis. He claimed he had plans to go back (although he was supposed to be back in school this past semester, but that didn't happen for whatever reason). This led Grace to ask where he planned to be a year from now. Taz told her he sees himself being done with school, and working as an art teacher. He added that he directs movies so he plans to have his first film completed by then as well. Then she asked where he sees himself two years from now. His answer was that he doesn't like to think that far ahead. Really? Two years from now is too far ahead? After a little more prodding from Grace, he said that he plans to have two photography studios open. Let me also add that with all his talk of future plans, my name was never mentioned. Yeah.

Naturally, my mom's friend noticed this, so she asked what his plans were for me, since he was planning to move to Virginia. He hesitated for a long-ass minute, then told her something was happening with his phone and he needed to call her from another phone. He called her back, then stuttered a little more as he tried to come up with an answer. Finally, he said that he wants to be here to uplift me and "simplify" my life. How he planned to simplify my life coming here with no job, nowhere to live, and no transportation is beyond me. If anything, I could only see that complicating things for me. For some reason, that response really pissed me off. He made it sound as if I'm some charity case and I need him here to rescue me. I wanted to get on the phone and tell him, "Nigga, this ain't a fairy tale and you ain't a damn prince. Because I'm pretty sure that the prince in the fairy tales could at least afford to take the princess out to dinner every once in a while."

The final topic in the conversation was Grace asking Taz who he relies on spiritually for strength. This was another question that caused him to fumble over his words for several moments, before he told her that he relies on himself to get through situations. I guess I should have mentioned earlier that Grace is a very religious woman. She's always on me about being sure to get linked up with a God-fearing man. I've never been the Bible-toting, scripture quoting type, but with several things that have happened in my life, it had to be God that pulled some strings because I definitely couldn't have done it myself. So to hear Taz saying that he didn't believe in ANY higher being because that's not realistic...I knew things wouldn't end well. Grace pulled out a couple scriptures on Taz, including that one about being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens you, and added that relying on human strength only is a recipe for failure. Then she ended the conversation by saying how lovely it was to have talked with him and she wished him nothing but the best. She also advised that he probably shouldn't move here because if his asthma was that severe in St. Louis, he would be sick all the time due to the high pollen index in Virginia.

I got back on the phone with him, but he sounded like he was talking to someone else and wasn't responding to me so I hung up. He called back a couple times, but I was too busy talking shit about him with Grace that I didn't answer. I called him back later and he said he was at the movies and he would text me. He never did. I wanted to call him again, curse him out, ask him a bunch of questions about why he had fabricated his life to sound good to my mom's friend (even though he still failed miserably), but I didn't. I knew he would do the double-talking shit that he always does, and never give me a straight answer. So the next day, I simply sent a text saying that we needed to go our separate ways. He replied asking, "So we can't be coo no more?" I told him I'm cool and I don't have any hard feelings towards him. I haven't heard from him since. 

I feel relieved though. The whole time we were together, I felt like I was more stressed than he was about how he was going to take care of himself. It would only get worse if he moved here, and my life definitely wouldn't have been "simplified." I don't have any other prospects at the moment, but whatever. I think the single life is where it's at for me right now. I do need to get a damn puppy or goldfish or something, because having no boyfriend AND no friends is just depressing. 

Well that's all for now. I missed the blogger world and I will try to do better about posting!