Saturday, May 5, 2012

I Can't Believe.........

........It's been more than two months since I posted anything on this blog. SMH at my damn self. That's unacceptable. Writing has always been my first love, and to not write for that long just ain't right. Maybe that's why I've felt so empty for the past couple months.

In my defense, one reason that maybe kinda sorta makes it okay that I haven't posted in so long is because I started "cranking" at the beginning of March. Cranking is something that the Navy puts every E-4 and below sailor through when they get to the ship (well....not EVERY sailor, because I know a few people that managed to weasel their way out of cranking, but that's another story). Basically, when you crank, you work in the ship's galley (or kitchen for civilians) for 3-4 months and "assist" the cooks with cleaning, preparing meals, serving food, etc. I say "assist" because sometimes it feels like we're doing the cooks' jobs FOR them. Oh, and the hours are long. As hell. I work 12-13 hour shifts, and that's on a good day. Then a couple weeks ago, I was picked to work the night shift. Now I go in to work around 6pm and get off around 7am the next morning. Any time in between work is spent sleeping, so that leaves any other activities out. On top of that, I was having some issues with my laptop and getting internet access so.....yeah.

In other news, I broke up with Taz. Again. For real this time. I talked about how I broke things off with him a few months ago, but I started feeling guilty about how abrupt I was and I talked to him and we agreed to give it another shot. However, as the weeks and months went on, I wasn't seeing any progress. He still hadn't gotten a job, but was still making plans to move here to Virginia. Whenever I asked him basic questions like where he was going to live, if he was going to have a car, etc., he would be really nonchalant and claim that he would "figure all that out" when he got here. Apparently, he doesn't like to plan things out too much because when people have things planned out step-by-step, things don't always go as planned and that's when everything gets all fucked up. Okay. I get that, but if you're moving to a completely different state and you don't even know where you're going to LIVE? Nah, I can't co-sign that. Even though he never said it, and even though I told him a while ago that I wasn't planning on shacking up with him, I have a very strong feeling that he was going to try to move in with me. 

The final straw came when my mom's friend (I'll call her Grace) that lives in Virginia told me that she wanted to have a conversation with Taz. I had told her about his plans to move here and since she says that I'm like a daughter to her, she wanted to talk to him and see what his intentions were. I reluctantly agreed, because Grace is just as bad--if not worse than--my mother when it comes to giving folks the third degree. (I guess that's why they're such good friends.) She started off by asking what he did as a career and he told her that he's a "professional photographer." She asked if that was how he paid his bills and he said yes. I knew that to be a lie, because if his photography paid the bills, then why is it that just a few months ago I sent him $50 to pay his phone bill? Okay, moving on. Then she asked if he was in school. He said no, then went on to say that he had taken a "sabbatical." Grace quickly stopped him and asked if he had been getting a check while he was on this so-called sabbatical. He laughed it off and corrected himself, saying that he actually had taken time off because he had problems with asthma and bronchitis. He claimed he had plans to go back (although he was supposed to be back in school this past semester, but that didn't happen for whatever reason). This led Grace to ask where he planned to be a year from now. Taz told her he sees himself being done with school, and working as an art teacher. He added that he directs movies so he plans to have his first film completed by then as well. Then she asked where he sees himself two years from now. His answer was that he doesn't like to think that far ahead. Really? Two years from now is too far ahead? After a little more prodding from Grace, he said that he plans to have two photography studios open. Let me also add that with all his talk of future plans, my name was never mentioned. Yeah.

Naturally, my mom's friend noticed this, so she asked what his plans were for me, since he was planning to move to Virginia. He hesitated for a long-ass minute, then told her something was happening with his phone and he needed to call her from another phone. He called her back, then stuttered a little more as he tried to come up with an answer. Finally, he said that he wants to be here to uplift me and "simplify" my life. How he planned to simplify my life coming here with no job, nowhere to live, and no transportation is beyond me. If anything, I could only see that complicating things for me. For some reason, that response really pissed me off. He made it sound as if I'm some charity case and I need him here to rescue me. I wanted to get on the phone and tell him, "Nigga, this ain't a fairy tale and you ain't a damn prince. Because I'm pretty sure that the prince in the fairy tales could at least afford to take the princess out to dinner every once in a while."

The final topic in the conversation was Grace asking Taz who he relies on spiritually for strength. This was another question that caused him to fumble over his words for several moments, before he told her that he relies on himself to get through situations. I guess I should have mentioned earlier that Grace is a very religious woman. She's always on me about being sure to get linked up with a God-fearing man. I've never been the Bible-toting, scripture quoting type, but with several things that have happened in my life, it had to be God that pulled some strings because I definitely couldn't have done it myself. So to hear Taz saying that he didn't believe in ANY higher being because that's not realistic...I knew things wouldn't end well. Grace pulled out a couple scriptures on Taz, including that one about being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens you, and added that relying on human strength only is a recipe for failure. Then she ended the conversation by saying how lovely it was to have talked with him and she wished him nothing but the best. She also advised that he probably shouldn't move here because if his asthma was that severe in St. Louis, he would be sick all the time due to the high pollen index in Virginia.

I got back on the phone with him, but he sounded like he was talking to someone else and wasn't responding to me so I hung up. He called back a couple times, but I was too busy talking shit about him with Grace that I didn't answer. I called him back later and he said he was at the movies and he would text me. He never did. I wanted to call him again, curse him out, ask him a bunch of questions about why he had fabricated his life to sound good to my mom's friend (even though he still failed miserably), but I didn't. I knew he would do the double-talking shit that he always does, and never give me a straight answer. So the next day, I simply sent a text saying that we needed to go our separate ways. He replied asking, "So we can't be coo no more?" I told him I'm cool and I don't have any hard feelings towards him. I haven't heard from him since. 

I feel relieved though. The whole time we were together, I felt like I was more stressed than he was about how he was going to take care of himself. It would only get worse if he moved here, and my life definitely wouldn't have been "simplified." I don't have any other prospects at the moment, but whatever. I think the single life is where it's at for me right now. I do need to get a damn puppy or goldfish or something, because having no boyfriend AND no friends is just depressing. 

Well that's all for now. I missed the blogger world and I will try to do better about posting!


LakiSwirl said...

Welcome back!! I've been bad at blogging myself. I just don't have much to say lately. Mouth used to say or elude to "saving" me as well. And that always pissed me off 'cause I have NEVER needed saving from a man, least of all him. Like you and Taz, if anything, Mouth moving in permanently in my life would do the exact opposite. His idea of saving me included me dropping my career and being totally dependent on him, following him whereever the military sent him, leaving my life, friends, and family behind, and somehow managing, even though I earn more than him, I have all these bills and obligations to pay for, and I can't stand him if we're not lying down.

I got Biscuit last weekend and she's such a treat to have around, except for the "I have to take care of her" part. Don't get me wrong, I like that she's so cute and cuddly and literally follows me everywhere I go and has those cute blue doey eyes, but DAMN. I gotta take this dog out every other hour to piss or she'll have no problem emptying her bladder on my carpet, she can't go ONE FLIPPIN' SECOND without demanding to sit in my lap or sniff my face, I'm constantly screaming NO to her but she's either got Alheimer's or she's just plain retarded 'cause she'll forget not even a moment later and do bad sh*t all over again, and even though it's not like I got places to go or people to see, just knowing that I have to go immediately home after work or stay in at night for this damn dog is stifling as hell. Ugh. Shoulda thought this through......

I'm glad you ended it with Taz with clarity, though. Sometimes we go back and forth with the same person 'cause we have so many unresolved issues or what-ifs; it's not often that we get to see the relationship for what it really is,

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

Hey girl!

Yeah, I can't understand the dudes that want to play Captain-Save-A-Hoe, especially when they don't have much going for themselves. You gotta have some business about yourself before you come to me, talking about "simplifying" my life.

Sounds like you're having a time with Biscuit...but she's so cute though! I want a puppy, but I know now is not a good time for me. Financially I can't do it, plus I'm working crazy hours so I know I would be too exhausted to go out for walks and shit when I get home. I might get one after my first deployment...we'll see.

I noticed I hadn't seen any new blogs from you, but I have times when my mind is just blank for a while and I have nothing to say, so I understand.