Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Late Bloomer.

I'm apologizing in advance if this blog is all over the place. My thoughts on this topic are very scrambled, plus I'm blogging from my phone because I STILL haven't gotten a new laptop. In my defense, I'm leaning towards getting a Macbook, and I'm not 100% financially ready to shell out the 2 grand for a computer.

But I digress. On to the topic at hand.

I've been what you could call a "late bloomer" when it comes to sex/relationships. I didn't even have my first real kiss until I was 21. <---------*Insert horrified gasps here* My first serious relationship was at the end of last year, and it feels like it ended just as soon as it began.

I had sex for the first time with my "serious" boyfriend, which I hadn't planned at all. I never officially said that I was going to wait until I got married, but I guess it was kind of an unspoken thing. Plus, I think my mother expected me to wait, because she stayed a virgin until her first marriage. To my knowledge, she's only been with 3 men, two of whom she was/is married to, and she's always quick to point out that the extra guy happened because she "didn't know better."

So....when I told her I had sex with my then-boyfriend, she definitely wasn't thrilled. She didn't freak out like I imagined she would, but she still wasn't happy. She also hinted that the experience should only be a one time thing, and the next time it happened, we should be married. The only thing is....I didn't enjoy it. At all. And if it was going to be like that, I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and deal with.....THAT for the rest of my life.

Then I thought that maybe it just wasn't enjoyable because it was the first time, so we tried it again. I still didn't enjoy it. It was a little better than the first time, but not that much. Looking back, I wonder if that may have played a part in why the relationship fell off. My ex would talk about how amazing it was being intimate with me, but I didn't feel the same.

Since that relationship, I've been with two other guys, but I still haven't enjoyed the experiences. In each situation, I feel like they were all kind of....selfish. Out of the three, I would say my ex did the most as far as attempting to please me, but overall I've felt like an empty vessel for them to get off in (I guess the less bourgeois term would be "cum bucket"). Then I think about how inexperienced I am, and I think maybe it's just me? Maybe I don't know what I want, or need, to be pleased. However, the last two encounters were fling-type situations, so I definitely won't be seeing them again.

One of my questions is: how am I going to know what I like? Maybe I just wasn't compatible with the guys I mentioned....but wouldn't it be kind of weird to go from waiting until marriage, to having sex with a bunch of random guys just to see if they "fit" what I want?

Maybe some of the not so late bloomers can offer me some insight.