Saturday, November 16, 2013

Hello World.

I finally got to a computer that lets me get on Blogger! Yay me! I didn't think I would be this excited about being able to get into my account, but I guess that's what happens when you're deprived of doing the simple things in life.

I've been on deployment for about 4 months now, almost at the halfway mark. It hasn't been as horrible as I anticipated but I am still ready to get back home (or Virginia, rather). I'm getting that feeling as if I am "over" being deployed. I know that sounds odd, but it's the only term I can think of to describe it. I'm at the point where I don't even get excited when we pull into a port. I'm sure people on the outside looking in would think, "What's wrong with you? You get to see the world....for free!" That's fine and all but at this point I just want to be in my own bed, watching Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta and drinking a cranberry and vodka. I don't want to get off work and have to take a shower next to someone I work with. I'm an introvert, I want....I own space and I am not going to get that living and working on an aircraft carrier.

If there's one word I could use to describe being on deployment it would be: redundant. It's pretty much the same routine every day: wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, work, get off work, work out (if I'm in the mood to work out), shower, watch TV or a movie (if I'm in the mood to watch TV or a movie), go to bed, wake up, repeat. There may be some random dumb shit thrown in from time to time that my chain of command wants me to do, but there isn't much more excitement besides that.

I have had a couple....attempts at making a "romantic" connection since I've been out here. Things with Gym Rat went further after the last post I wrote about him. For some reason, the week before deployment he got some fire under his ass and finally asked for my number and asked me to go to the movies and dinner with him. We went out and I really enjoyed myself, and for the rest of the week we sent texts and/or hung out together.

Once we got underway on deployment, we emailed back and forth and then the same ol' routine started with him having to work so much that he couldn't visit me or even send an email consistently. I voiced my frustration about the situation, telling him I didn't want to come off like the crazy possessive chick that has to be attached at the hip with her guy, but damn. How am I supposed to feel when we are working/living in the same place and I still go for weeks without seeing or hearing from you? He insisted that he wasn't trying to blow me off, that his job was really demanding and that he cared about me and I made him happy. I wanted to believe what he said, but I couldn't help but think that if he cared about me, I would hate to see how much time I would get if he didn't care.

He would tell me that we could hang out when we pulled into port....but that never happened. He would tell me that his department was making him work in port and that he wasn't going to get any liberty. Then I would see him out and about and the most I would get from him was a pat on the shoulder like we were acquaintances. I was starting to get the idea that he either wasn't being honest about how he felt or I just wasn't on his list of priorities at the moment. Either way, it made me feel like shit and I gradually backed off because it's stressful enough being out at sea for months without the addition of stressing over guy drama.

Eventually G.R. realized that I wasn't attempting to contact him anymore and he caught me one day eating by myself and sat down and attempted to "explain" himself. He said that he hadn't been coming around because whenever we talked, I told him that he never made enough time for me and it made him feel bad. He kept trying to use his job as the excuse for why he never contacted me, even when we were in port, but I wasn't buying it. He apologized, and I just stared at him. Sounds like a bitchy move I know, but I am a firm believer that the only time an apology is valid is when the person giving the apology plans to correct what it is that they are apologizing for. My intuition told me that there would be no changes on G.R.'s end so I wasn't going to waste my time getting my hopes up that he would do anything different. He eventually gave up altogether and we haven't spoken for a month or so. I still see him around of course, but in my opinion, there's nothing to be said at this point.

There's another story I have to tell, but this is getting long already. I will go over that story next time around....probably in the next month or so lol.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Bored on a Sunday.

This time tomorrow I'll be on the road back to Virginia. Not thrilled about it, but it is what it is. I'm not ready to go back for obvious reasons (limited number of friends, living on the ship, having to eat on the ship or having to spend money if I want to eat outside of the ship), but I'm also a tiny, TINY bit ready to get back because it will be time for us to go on deployment. I hope that we really go this time. I am ready to start "stacking" money and climb out of the hole I've been in for so long. I only have one credit card left to pay off, my car loan, and everything else is student loans. I know the student loans will take time to pay off (which I have to learn to live with....I am NEVER taking out another student loan again), but my goal is to have the credit card paid off by the time deployment is over. I also want to have enough saved so I can get my own place when we get back, and maybe get a payment plan set up for braces too. I know that seems kind of random, but getting my teeth fixed has always been something that I wanted but couldn't because of limited funds and/or resources. I'm hoping to get the Invisalign braces because I feel like metal braces would be kind of embarrassing at my age. I've read stuff about how the Navy won't pay for braces while you're on sea duty because of the ever-changing schedule, but I don't care. If they want to be douchebags about it, I'll foot the bill myself. I've always been self-conscious about my teeth and I think it's about time I started feeling confident when I smile. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's what I want.

My old laptop officially took a dump. In addition to the battery dying even when it's plugged in, it no longer connects to the Internet. I'm still not in a place to purchase another one yet and if we live when we are supposed to, I probably won't get much use out of it anyway. That good ol' ship internet is always janky too; half the time the only thing you can log into is ship e-mail and Facebook....and that's pushing it. I said all that to say my posting will probably go back to non-existent for a while, which sucks. It seems like some of the people whose blogs I follow are "over" blogging, but I think this is something I will stick with even if no one reads it.

I'll still try to keep up with the blogs of everyone that does still post, and maybe be able to throw in a few lines myself here and there. And if deployment gets cancelled again, of course I'll post another rant about that. Lol

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Another Guy Story.

I feel a little lame for writing about another guy I've dealt with, but considering how flaky I've been with even writing at all, I'm just going to roll with it.

So......there's this guy. He's on the same ship as I am and I met him while doing one of the ridiculously tedious jobs that get randomly assigned on my ship. It basically consisted of being part of a human "chain" to transport food items from the pier to one of the ship's lower level damn-near-impossible-to-access storerooms. To say I was not happy to be chosen to partake in this evolution would be putting it nicely. I'm toiling away, passing the boxes along and as I'm doing this I am simultaneously ignoring this guy (I'll call him Gym Rat, because he loves working out, or G.R. for short). You may ask why I was ignoring someone that I didn't even know and the reason may not make sense to anyone else, but it made (makes) perfect sense in my twisted little mind. I thought he was cute, and in my experience with cute guys in the military (or cute guys in general), they are cocky as hell and think every female that comes across their path is supposed to fall all over herself and throw her panties at him as if he is some God. They also target the women who they deem to be good enough for them while being completely disrespectful to the women they aren't attracted to. I hate men like this with a passion and ignore them to disprove their little theory and show that not all women are so easily wooed by their looks.

G.R. surprised me though. He seemed to notice that I wasn't feeling the whole food transportation spectacle, and almost immediately began to tease me about random things, in what I assumed was an attempt to distract me from the shittiness of the task at hand. He was acting as if we had known each other all our lives, and in spite of my best efforts, I couldn't help but crack a smile at his lame jokes. Once we were done, he shook my hand and said it was nice meeting me and that "hopefully" he would see me around.

After this encounter, I went on a mini-stalking spree to find out about this new guy. A friend of mine knew G.R. as well, and in true high school fashion, I requested that my friend discreetly find out if G.R. was involved with anyone. He reported back that G.R. did have a girlfriend. I was disappointed but I took it as my cue not to pursue things any further. A few short weeks later, the friend came back to me saying that G.R. had told him he was no longer in a relationship and wanted to know who was asking about him. I had already established with my friend not to reveal my identity by any means, and it seemed a little odd to me that G.R. had become unattached so quickly. I suspected maybe he was just saying that he was single to find out who his secret admirer was. In any event, I decided to keep my unrequited lust to myself.

I saw G.R. on occasion around the ship, but it was usually just a "hi and bye" kind of thing. Then I got switched to work in a different department and was subsequently sent to a different duty section. For non-military folks, duty is probably the least appealing part of being in the military. It basically consists of being "on station" for a full 24 hours, and for me, my station is a ship. Being on it for 24 hours is no fun to say the least. Duty rotates so it comes around every week or so, but that doesn't make it any more alluring when it's your turn. While standing duty one day, I happened to run into no other than G.R. I was expecting the usual small talk, but G.R. engaged me in conversation for over an hour. After talking, he offered to show me the equipment that he works on and invited me to watch movies with him. While watching movies, I don't know if I was imagining things, but I swore that G.R. kept giving me those "looks." You know, the one that someone gives you right before planting a big juicy one on you. Since I was involved with my then-boyfriend Mr. VA, I avoided those looks to the best of my ability and quickly excused myself before things got awkward.

As time went on, G.R. and I became what I guess you would call "duty buddies." We'd hang out, watch movies on his laptop, tease each other about silly things. As I said before, I was dating someone at the time, but it seemed strange to me that with all the interaction between us, G.R. had not once asked for my number. He mentioned us hanging out outside of the ship in passing, but nothing ever came of it. I was beginning to think I was a victim of the "He's Just Not that into You" movement. It didn't make much sense to me, considering that I never invited myself to hang out with G.R. Then I thought, maybe he simply chose my company due to being bored on duty days. I mentioned G.R.'s hesitation (refusal?) to ask for my number to a friend of mine, and she started in with the usual "maybe he's shy" theories, which I brushed off. How could he be shy? He wasn't shy when he was talking my head off about working on the ship, or his gym routine, or his childhood mishaps. He wasn't shy when he hugged me, or "accidentally" brushed his leg against mine, or picked me up (in spite of my many protests) to prove that he could bench press 108 pounds. I wasn't buying the shy story, but that only would leave the other option that he just didn't like me as much as I thought, which is always a hard pill to swallow.

Around this time, I broke up with Mr. VA. Not because of my infatuation with G.R., but other issues which I mentioned in the previous post. Our ship went out to sea for one of its many "sea trials," and during this time, since G.R. and I always commented on how our limited communication was partly because our workcenters were so far from each other, I came up with the bright idea to contact him through the shipboard email system. I know, I know. I'm giving myself the proverbial slap on the wrist as I'm typing this. The email conversations were okay; he was slow on the responses at times due to having a large workload and not getting much sleep (typical "He's Just Not that into You" statements). Again, he would talk about how we should hang out once we pulled back in port, but still no mention of exchanging numbers. He also revealed that his 21st birthday was around the corner, which came as a shock. I had known he was younger than I was, but not that much. 5 years??? Maybe that explained all the hemming and hawing on moving things past the initial flirtation stage. It also slowed me down a bit on even wanting to pursue things further. If he was the typical 21-year-old, there was no way he'd be looking to get into a serious, committed relationship, and I wasn't looking to be anybody's cut buddy either.

Over the past few weeks, I've seen G.R. a few times. He still flirts and jokes and does his teasing, with no movement towards socializing outside the ship. I feel like I should not respond to it but I don't know if that would come off as bitchy. At the same time, I've been the girl who's always available for a guy even when he didn't really want me and at the age of 26, I'm not trying to be that anymore.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Mr. VA.

Like I mentioned in the last post, one of the things that has been really confusing to me is guys. I know it's cliche to say that I'm not "like other girls/females/women," but I really do try my best to be honest and not play all the usual games when it comes to relationships/dating. I'm not going to wait an hour to reply back to a text/phone call from a guy I like, or say I'm too busy to go on a date when I know that all I'm doing that night is eating Chinese and watching Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta. Even with my honesty, I feel like I've been striking out in the game of love.

I was dating someone up until about a month ago. I'll call him Mr. VA. We met back in December and almost immediately, he was talking about how he wanted to get serious and "change my last name to his." I initially brushed those comments off and figured he was the type who just got excited early. He's in the Army and is from Virginia (hence the name Mr. VA) but stationed in Kentucky so this would be another long distance relationship for me. We did spend time together in January, and I went to visit him in February after the cancelled deployment. Things were going fine; however, there were small things I started to notice that weren't sitting well with me. As we all know, we live in a world where social media is king. So of course the new boo and I were Facebook friends and followed each other on Instagram. I started to notice that it was a regular routine of his to post pictures of scantily clad voluptuous women and ask his followers/friends if they considered these women to be "thick" or "fat." He and I had discussed before what he was attracted to physically in a woman and he always held up the notion that he wasn't attracted to thicker women. This made sense, considering that he was with me, and I've been referred to as "toothpick" and "Olive Oil" all my life. At the same time though, I didn't understand the significance of him constantly posting pictures of women that he allegedly wasn't attracted to. I mean, I'm not attracted to bigger guys, therefore you would never see me put up an Instagram post of a 300 pound guy asking if other people thought he was fat or just muscular.

I would also see conversations between him and other females online that appeared to be of a sexual nature, and did not give off the vibe that he was in a committed relationship with the woman he wanted to marry, as he had told me so many times. This all was starting to make me feel insecure in the relationship, and rather than bottling it up, I decided to (wo)man up and tell him how I felt about it. I also requested that he tone down the bootylicious photo posting and cyber flirting. I tried to go about it in my signature joking, sarcastic manner but he still huffed and puffed and "OMG'ed" because in his mind, I was just making too big of a deal about it.

Around the same time, I was also having a "to have sex or not to have sex" debate with myself. Mr. VA and I had had sex, but like my previous encounters, I had not enjoyed it and I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. I felt guilty and unhappy after we did it, and if I was going to feel that way I'd rather not do it. When I brought it up to Mr. VA, to say he was not thrilled about the decision would be an understatement. He would tell me things like he felt that he wouldn't be getting 100% of me, and that he had told his friends about it and his male friends thought I was being selfish. I asked if it was something that would be a deal breaker for him and he said no, that he loved me and I was worth waiting for. However, the "joking" comments continued about how he would have to start downloading more porn and masturbate several times a day (never mind that we lived several hundred miles apart and weren't having sex on a regular basis anyway).

After just a few months, I wasn't feeling the same way about the relationship that I had in the beginning. I know that all relationships have their bumps and mishaps, but how I felt didn't seem right. I felt like shit, to be quite honest. Every time he said "I love you" or "You're beautiful," it didn't mean anything to me because in the back of my mind I wondered how much he could love me or how beautiful he could think I was if he was now using porn to fill in for what he thought was missing in our relationship. Maybe I was being unreasonable. Maybe I'm still being unreasonable, but if I was feeling that way only months into the relationship, I couldn't imagine dragging it on for years. He could tell I was unhappy, but he refused to end things, so of course I had to be the bad guy. When I said I wanted to end it, he pleaded with me not to do it. He promised things would get better; he didn't know how, but they would. He told me how much it hurt and how he deserved me and he was determined to make our relationship work. I had to put on my tough girl act and say no.

The tough girl act didn't last long though. I fell for the old "let's be friends" trick. Even though we were technically no longer a couple, I still got the "good morning" texts and phone calls from him saying he missed me and asking if I thought we would ever get back together. Things started to get a bit irritating because I could tell that Mr. VA was still attempting to maintain control of this relationship or friendship or whatever it was. Things came to a climax when he mentioned that he would be coming down to Virginia and asked if we could hang out. I told him that would be okay with me as long as I could drive my car (because the last time he was in Virginia he insisted on driving everywhere, in what I believe was an attempt to make sure I didn't cut the night short). I could tell that immediately ruffled his feathers when he scoffed, "How come you can't just ride in my car?" I told him that I would simply prefer to drive myself and he grudgingly accepted it. A few days later he sent a text requesting that I do a favor for his mother, whom I had never met in person the whole time we were dating. At first I agreed to it, then the wheels in my head started turning. We had already had a discussion after we broke up about the whole "being friends" thing. I asked if being friends was really what he wanted and he admitted that it wasn't (which I already knew). If he didn't want to be friends then he obviously was calling and texting and wanting to meet up in an attempt to get back together with me, which I had no interest in. If I had no interest in getting back together, what was the point of my entertaining his efforts? Then he wanted to bring his mother into was just too much. I decided to end it (for real this time) and let him know I wouldn't be able to do the favor for his mother. He immediately asked why not and I declined to go into it further because in my experience with Mr. VA, I knew that any explanation of mine would lead to his rebuttal of said explanation, a headache would incur on my part, and that's not what I was looking for. My no was going to be no, and that was that. I took it a step further and announced that we weren't going to "hang out" either, which led to another attempt from him to bait me into a debate, asking if I had a man and why I couldn't just be upfront with him.

I declined to continue the conversation any further, and utilized the block option on my phone. Some people have said that was mean of me, but it is what it is. I did what I had to do to get out of a situation that was less than ideal for me, and letting go of that relationship just MIGHT open the window to beginning another one.

Here Lately......

.......I find myself being confused about pretty much everything. Men, friends, money, family, life. I feel paranoid a lot, like I can't trust anyone so I keep all my emotions and thoughts locked up. I'm just restless. I was in Virginia and I couldn't wait to get away from there because I hate it so much, now I'm at home on leave before  I am *supposed* to go on deployment and I still feel no relief. It's like there is no safe haven for me. I know it sounds super dark which is why I haven't written in a while. I have maybe one friend, but I don't confide in her because she's flaky at best. I keep hoping one day I will snap out of this fog. We'll see.... the fog has been hanging over me for a while.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

3 Months.....Really???

I haven't forgotten about this little blog of mine. That thing called life has just kept me nice and distracted for the past few months. It seems like a lot has happened, but then at the same time it seems like nothing has  happened at all.

After the dilemma I was having with my car, I finally had it put in storage at a place about 3 hours from where I live. Their policy was that the first three months of storage had to be paid in advance, along with pickup fees, and then payments would be taken out quarterly. It was actually a pretty good deal. I put the car in storage a few days before my ship left for one of our usual monthly "underways" (basically, where we go out to sea for a couple weeks and make circles in the water). We were scheduled to pull back in port for a few days after the underway and then go out for what was said to be an 8-10 month deployment.

When we got back, I had already moved out of my military housing, but I didn't want to spend my last few days of freedom on the ship so I got a hotel room. One of the girls I work with stayed with me and we were getting ready to go out to dinner and watching TV when.....


To say my jaw dropped would be an understatement. I was excited and devastated at the same time. Excited because I had never been completely committed to the thought of being on a ship for months at a time and having limited contact with family and friends. Devastated because I had basically packed my life into storage, given up my housing and car, and now we weren't going anywhere? I had also been looking forward to stacking up money while on deployment and finally climbing out of the financial hole that I've been in for so long. If we weren't going anywhere, that wouldn't be happening any time soon.

Apparently we wouldn't be going due to "budget strains," but I wondered how no one knew about these budget strains up until two days before we were scheduled to leave. They had to know about it. I knew they had to know. Yet they allowed everyone to make arrangements to get rid of their cars, move their families back home, move out of their houses, only to drop a bombshell at the last moment. This only added one more item to the laundry list of reasons why I can't wait to get out.

Since the deployment was cancelled, I quickly had to get back into the mode of staying in Virginia. The few days I had gone without a car were extremely unpleasant so I made arrangements to get it out of storage ASAP. When it was all said and done I ended up spending almost a grand just to have my car in storage for a little over a month. Yeah......not cool. And of course when anyone asked if any reimbursement would be given for all the expenses we paid to prepare for deployment, the response was something along the lines of: "Well, this is just how things go when you're in the military and you have to be flexible."

I thought I would have to scrape together money to get an apartment, but thankfully I was one of the few people on the list of apartments that hadn't been occupied yet, so I was able to move back into the same place I was staying before our scheduled deployment.

I think somehow, the fact that deployment got cancelled has made me extra bitter with the military, and life in general. I feel like I can never make any plans or set any goals because I am always in limbo waiting for the changes of the Navy. I have been wanting to take a class or two, and if we had gone on deployment, they were offering courses on the ship, but of course that's not happening now. And even though we are not leaving yet, we still go out to sea at random so I can't enroll in classes at a university on campus.

I find myself wanting to go home before I even walk out the door to go to work. Several people have commented on how depressed and tired I seem. Someone asked if I wanted to talk to a chaplain or ship psychiatrist. I talked to a chaplain before and that didn't help much, and for some reason I feel like if I talk to a psychiatrist, anything I say will be twisted and taken out of context and I'll end up in a padded room wearing a straitjacket doped up on meds.

I want to find a focus again. A purpose. A few years ago if someone asked me what I had planned for my future, I could lay it all out step by step. Now if someone asked that, all I could say is, "I don't know." I don't like feeling that way. Just existing for the next three years will be a pretty miserable experience. I've just been existing for the past two and it is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I have to get better.