Like I mentioned in the last post, one of the things that has been really confusing to me is guys. I know it's cliche to say that I'm not "like other girls/females/women," but I really do try my best to be honest and not play all the usual games when it comes to relationships/dating. I'm not going to wait an hour to reply back to a text/phone call from a guy I like, or say I'm too busy to go on a date when I know that all I'm doing that night is eating Chinese and watching Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta. Even with my honesty, I feel like I've been striking out in the game of love.
I was dating someone up until about a month ago. I'll call him Mr. VA. We met back in December and almost immediately, he was talking about how he wanted to get serious and "change my last name to his." I initially brushed those comments off and figured he was the type who just got excited early. He's in the Army and is from Virginia (hence the name Mr. VA) but stationed in Kentucky so this would be another long distance relationship for me. We did spend time together in January, and I went to visit him in February after the cancelled deployment. Things were going fine; however, there were small things I started to notice that weren't sitting well with me. As we all know, we live in a world where social media is king. So of course the new boo and I were Facebook friends and followed each other on Instagram. I started to notice that it was a regular routine of his to post pictures of scantily clad voluptuous women and ask his followers/friends if they considered these women to be "thick" or "fat." He and I had discussed before what he was attracted to physically in a woman and he always held up the notion that he wasn't attracted to thicker women. This made sense, considering that he was with me, and I've been referred to as "toothpick" and "Olive Oil" all my life. At the same time though, I didn't understand the significance of him constantly posting pictures of women that he allegedly wasn't attracted to. I mean, I'm not attracted to bigger guys, therefore you would never see me put up an Instagram post of a 300 pound guy asking if other people thought he was fat or just muscular.
I would also see conversations between him and other females online that appeared to be of a sexual nature, and did not give off the vibe that he was in a committed relationship with the woman he wanted to marry, as he had told me so many times. This all was starting to make me feel insecure in the relationship, and rather than bottling it up, I decided to (wo)man up and tell him how I felt about it. I also requested that he tone down the bootylicious photo posting and cyber flirting. I tried to go about it in my signature joking, sarcastic manner but he still huffed and puffed and "OMG'ed" because in his mind, I was just making too big of a deal about it.
Around the same time, I was also having a "to have sex or not to have sex" debate with myself. Mr. VA and I had had sex, but like my previous encounters, I had not enjoyed it and I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. I felt guilty and unhappy after we did it, and if I was going to feel that way I'd rather not do it. When I brought it up to Mr. VA, to say he was not thrilled about the decision would be an understatement. He would tell me things like he felt that he wouldn't be getting 100% of me, and that he had told his friends about it and his male friends thought I was being selfish. I asked if it was something that would be a deal breaker for him and he said no, that he loved me and I was worth waiting for. However, the "joking" comments continued about how he would have to start downloading more porn and masturbate several times a day (never mind that we lived several hundred miles apart and weren't having sex on a regular basis anyway).
After just a few months, I wasn't feeling the same way about the relationship that I had in the beginning. I know that all relationships have their bumps and mishaps, but how I felt didn't seem right. I felt like shit, to be quite honest. Every time he said "I love you" or "You're beautiful," it didn't mean anything to me because in the back of my mind I wondered how much he could love me or how beautiful he could think I was if he was now using porn to fill in for what he thought was missing in our relationship. Maybe I was being unreasonable. Maybe I'm still being unreasonable, but if I was feeling that way only months into the relationship, I couldn't imagine dragging it on for years. He could tell I was unhappy, but he refused to end things, so of course I had to be the bad guy. When I said I wanted to end it, he pleaded with me not to do it. He promised things would get better; he didn't know how, but they would. He told me how much it hurt and how he deserved me and he was determined to make our relationship work. I had to put on my tough girl act and say no.
The tough girl act didn't last long though. I fell for the old "let's be friends" trick. Even though we were technically no longer a couple, I still got the "good morning" texts and phone calls from him saying he missed me and asking if I thought we would ever get back together. Things started to get a bit irritating because I could tell that Mr. VA was still attempting to maintain control of this relationship or friendship or whatever it was. Things came to a climax when he mentioned that he would be coming down to Virginia and asked if we could hang out. I told him that would be okay with me as long as I could drive my car (because the last time he was in Virginia he insisted on driving everywhere, in what I believe was an attempt to make sure I didn't cut the night short). I could tell that immediately ruffled his feathers when he scoffed, "How come you can't just ride in my car?" I told him that I would simply prefer to drive myself and he grudgingly accepted it. A few days later he sent a text requesting that I do a favor for his mother, whom I had never met in person the whole time we were dating. At first I agreed to it, then the wheels in my head started turning. We had already had a discussion after we broke up about the whole "being friends" thing. I asked if being friends was really what he wanted and he admitted that it wasn't (which I already knew). If he didn't want to be friends then he obviously was calling and texting and wanting to meet up in an attempt to get back together with me, which I had no interest in. If I had no interest in getting back together, what was the point of my entertaining his efforts? Then he wanted to bring his mother into it....it was just too much. I decided to end it (for real this time) and let him know I wouldn't be able to do the favor for his mother. He immediately asked why not and I declined to go into it further because in my experience with Mr. VA, I knew that any explanation of mine would lead to his rebuttal of said explanation, a headache would incur on my part, and that's not what I was looking for. My no was going to be no, and that was that. I took it a step further and announced that we weren't going to "hang out" either, which led to another attempt from him to bait me into a debate, asking if I had a man and why I couldn't just be upfront with him.
I declined to continue the conversation any further, and utilized the block option on my phone. Some people have said that was mean of me, but it is what it is. I did what I had to do to get out of a situation that was less than ideal for me, and letting go of that relationship just MIGHT open the window to beginning another one.