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Saturday, November 16, 2013

Hello World.

I finally got to a computer that lets me get on Blogger! Yay me! I didn't think I would be this excited about being able to get into my account, but I guess that's what happens when you're deprived of doing the simple things in life.

I've been on deployment for about 4 months now, almost at the halfway mark. It hasn't been as horrible as I anticipated but I am still ready to get back home (or Virginia, rather). I'm getting that feeling as if I am "over" being deployed. I know that sounds odd, but it's the only term I can think of to describe it. I'm at the point where I don't even get excited when we pull into a port. I'm sure people on the outside looking in would think, "What's wrong with you? You get to see the world....for free!" That's fine and all but at this point I just want to be in my own bed, watching Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta and drinking a cranberry and vodka. I don't want to get off work and have to take a shower next to someone I work with. I'm an introvert, I want....I NEED....my own space and I am not going to get that living and working on an aircraft carrier.

If there's one word I could use to describe being on deployment it would be: redundant. It's pretty much the same routine every day: wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, work, get off work, work out (if I'm in the mood to work out), shower, watch TV or a movie (if I'm in the mood to watch TV or a movie), go to bed, wake up, repeat. There may be some random dumb shit thrown in from time to time that my chain of command wants me to do, but there isn't much more excitement besides that.

I have had a couple....attempts at making a "romantic" connection since I've been out here. Things with Gym Rat went further after the last post I wrote about him. For some reason, the week before deployment he got some fire under his ass and finally asked for my number and asked me to go to the movies and dinner with him. We went out and I really enjoyed myself, and for the rest of the week we sent texts and/or hung out together.

Once we got underway on deployment, we emailed back and forth and then the same ol' routine started with him having to work so much that he couldn't visit me or even send an email consistently. I voiced my frustration about the situation, telling him I didn't want to come off like the crazy possessive chick that has to be attached at the hip with her guy, but damn. How am I supposed to feel when we are working/living in the same place and I still go for weeks without seeing or hearing from you? He insisted that he wasn't trying to blow me off, that his job was really demanding and that he cared about me and I made him happy. I wanted to believe what he said, but I couldn't help but think that if he cared about me, I would hate to see how much time I would get if he didn't care.

He would tell me that we could hang out when we pulled into port....but that never happened. He would tell me that his department was making him work in port and that he wasn't going to get any liberty. Then I would see him out and about and the most I would get from him was a pat on the shoulder like we were acquaintances. I was starting to get the idea that he either wasn't being honest about how he felt or I just wasn't on his list of priorities at the moment. Either way, it made me feel like shit and I gradually backed off because it's stressful enough being out at sea for months without the addition of stressing over guy drama.

Eventually G.R. realized that I wasn't attempting to contact him anymore and he caught me one day eating by myself and sat down and attempted to "explain" himself. He said that he hadn't been coming around because whenever we talked, I told him that he never made enough time for me and it made him feel bad. He kept trying to use his job as the excuse for why he never contacted me, even when we were in port, but I wasn't buying it. He apologized, and I just stared at him. Sounds like a bitchy move I know, but I am a firm believer that the only time an apology is valid is when the person giving the apology plans to correct what it is that they are apologizing for. My intuition told me that there would be no changes on G.R.'s end so I wasn't going to waste my time getting my hopes up that he would do anything different. He eventually gave up altogether and we haven't spoken for a month or so. I still see him around of course, but in my opinion, there's nothing to be said at this point.

There's another story I have to tell, but this is getting long already. I will go over that story next time around....probably in the next month or so lol.

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