Pages

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Numb.

So I guess I had a cut buddy for the first time recently. I'll call him Young'n. He was actually someone that "tried" to date me almost a year ago, but due to some characteristics that he had, I decided a relationship between us wasn't the best option for me. Then a couple months ago I got that "itch" and I felt that he would be the only person I knew of that wouldn't be weird about hooking up occasionally, so I went for it.

However, as we began dealing with each other again, I noticed the same little things come up that made me never want to pursue a relationship with him in the first place. For one, although he was a very outgoing person and could carry on a conversation about anything, he kept a lot of information to himself when it came to his personal life. Whenever we met up with each other, he would volunteer to drive to my house because he apparently lived with several "friends/family members" that he didn't want to be in his business, therefore he refused to have me come around. It struck me as odd. I'm a private person myself, but I wouldn't be completely opposed to bringing someone to my home if I had roommates. I asked several times if he was sexually involved with anyone else and he insisted that he wasn't, but something told me he wasn't being 100% honest with me. I also noticed that aside from the initial hook up that we engaged in, almost every time we met up following that night seemed to be on his schedule. He'd hit me up and ask if he could see me and I'd say ok, however if I contacted him to see if he wanted to come over, he would either take hours to reply back or say that he was "busy." One of my biggest pet peeves is people who claim to be so busy all of the time. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I just have no life, but I feel like if you're not President Obama, or Oprah, or someone in that category, you are not too busy to simply reply to a text.

After a couple months of dealing with each other, my work schedule reared its ugly head and I was not able to see Young'n for almost a month because my ship was out at sea. He sporadically kept in touch through email, then stopped responding for over a week and I didn't bother trying to contact him again while I was at sea. Immediately upon my return to shore, I got a text from Young'n asking when he was going to see me. I had plans to go out of town for the weekend, so I told him I wasn't sure. He said ok, and that he would wait on me to let him know when I was available. A few days passed and he sent another text, initially making conversation about something he saw on the internet that reminded him of me, then he quickly segued into asking when he was going to get some. At this point I started to get a bit irritated. I know that we hadn't been intimate in a long while, but the fact that he kept hounding me about a specific day that we could meet was getting under my skin. In my mind, it seemed as if he thought my sole purpose in life was being convenience pussy that he could get whenever. I suppose that's the purpose of a cut buddy, but I still found it to be inconsiderate and I told him so. He accused me of "playing games" because I had not given him an approximate day or time that I would be back in town, and also told me that if I didn't want to mess around with him, I could let him know so he could find someone else. I brushed him off, then when I got home one night I got a little liquor in my system and decided to see if he could come over. As usual, his response was no. He asked about another day and at this point I told him not to worry about it to which he simply replied, "Ok." It may not seem like a big deal, but from my experience dealing with Young'n, he is always so emotionally disengaged and nonchalant about almost everything. I could write him a long ass paragraph about something he said or did that turned me off and his only response would be "Ok." I had a moment where I stepped out of character and turned into that super emotional chick that will say anything she can think of to get a reaction out of a guy. I thanked him for proving that he didn't give a fuck about me, which I had known all along, and that as cool as he seemed to be about not talking to me anymore, it seemed that he was more than likely fucking someone else. I got no response, which made me feel even more dumb. I figured that was just a lesson learned and prepared to keep it moving, even though I was still pretty pissed.

A couple days later, Young'n called. I contemplated whether or not I should even have a conversation with him, but I answered to see what he had to say. As I had become accustomed to with Young'n, he took no responsibility for the prior conversation we had, and instead accused me of being "extra" by bringing up the subject of him sleeping with someone else. He said I needed to understand that unlike myself, he is an extrovert and he is not just going to drop everything when I hit him up out of nowhere. I listened to him, but everything he said was going in one ear and out the other. After going through his spiel, he asked if my decision to not be cut buddies anymore was my "final answer." I told him that it was, only because it would cut down on my frustration. He said ok, and told me to take care. I figured that was that, until almost a week later he sent a text saying that "by the way, I never messed with anyone else." I told him he didn't have to explain that to me and he claimed that he just wanted to make sure none of my assumptions went uncontested. I asked if that was still the case, and he wanted to know why it mattered. I told him that maybe I had gotten caught up in my emotions at the time and wanted to reconsider. He said that that was still the case, and we recently met up again. 

However, something feels....different. Like I feel as if I am just going through the motions, and I feel like that's defeating the whole purpose of this kind of arrangement. As I said, I've never just had a casual partner before, and I wanted that feeling of being free and spontaneous, but now it feels like I'm still in a semi-almost-but-not-really relationship, since I am always waiting around on this dude and when HE feels ready to smash. If I say anything or voice my dislike for something, I get treated as if I am being dramatic or over analyzing the situation, and if I don't say anything I feel like I am nothing more than a sex toy. I understand that Young'n and I technically have no obligations to each other, but I get the sense that he wants me to be obligated to him without doing it in return which is not cool at all. I don't know. Maybe the cut buddy life is not for me.